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Alna_lou
08.02.15, 10:54 AM
Teacher: What is your name kid?
Pupil: Earlyseven Strikeland po.
Teacher: Fil-am ka ba?
Pupil: di po, Un po ang name ko sa ingles. Sa tagalog po, AGAPITO HAMPASLUPA...

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

ryanestandarte
08.02.15, 01:04 PM
UST:
We accept only WISE students.

CEU:
We accept students who are GREAT.

ATENEO:
We accept only the BEST students.

UP:
We accept only that STUDY BEST.

DLSU:
We don't accept the best, great or wise students....

WE MAKE THEM!!!!:yes::belat:

ANIMO LASALLE!!!!:ecstatic:;D

Nikolo De Solo
08.02.17, 01:11 AM
TEACHER: Mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: Eeewwww!

Sa kasalan
PARI: Sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: Eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: Eto P4 sukli mo iho.

ryanestandarte
08.02.20, 12:47 PM
Here's a story that I will lift out from the book entitled Stories of Life and Laughter

Once a young priest was assigned to a small, far-flung parish. On his first days, as he zealously did his pastoral chore of hearing confessions, he noted that many of his penitents confessed: "I fell down the bridge."

The parish priest didn't know that it was a code, a euphemistic term which meant: "I committed adultery." Following several more confessions of that "sin," the parish priest decided to see the town mayor in order to repair that particular bridge.

When the mayor heard the priest's report, he could not help but laugh and laugh, knowing what it meant. "Why ask about it, Father?" he said.

The priest replied: "Because even your wife confessed that she fell down the bridge several times!" The mayor gulped and his face suddenly fell.

happy
08.02.20, 06:29 PM
TWO MEN AT THE PEARLY GATES

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"HOW'D YOU DIE?" the first man asks the second.

"I FROZE TO DEATH," says the second.

"THAT'S AWFUL, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FREEZE TO DEATH?" says the first. "

IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AT FIRST, YOU GET THE SHAKES, AND YOU GET PAINS IN ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES. BUT EVENTUALLY, IT'S VERY CALM WAY TO GO.YOU GET NUMB AND YOU KIND OF DRIFT OFF, AS IF YOU'RE SLEEPING. HOW DID YOU DIE? says the second?

"I HAD A HEART ATTACK" says the first guy. "YOU SEE I KNEW MY WIFE WAS CHEATING ON ME, SO ONE DAY I SHOWED UP AT HOME UNEXPECTEDLY. I RAN UP T THE BEDROOM, AND FOUND HER ALONE, KNITTING. I RAN DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, BUT NO ONE WAS HIDING THERE. I RAN UP TO THE 2ND FLOOR, BUT NO ONE WAS HIDING THERE EITHER, I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD TO THE ATTIC, AND JUST AS I GOT THERE, I HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK AND DIED."

The second man shakes his head.

"THAT'S SO IRONIC" he says

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" asks the first man.

"If you ony had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

ryanestandarte
08.02.22, 09:52 AM
Ang mahilig sa babae ay BABAERO

Ang mahilig gumawa ng tubo ay TUBERO

Ang mahilig sa magic ay MAGIKERO

Ang mahilig umupo sa kanto ay...





TAMBAY PARE! TAMBAY!! LOL

ryanestandarte
08.02.22, 10:02 AM
Sabi nila, love makes your hearth beat fast...

Your body feel flushed with excitement,

And your mind go around in circles...


Love pala iyon?

Akala ko gutom lang... Hehehe!!!! LOL

chopinsky
08.02.22, 12:16 PM
Here's an interesting letter to Microsoft :

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,
Sd/-User

THE REPLY:
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 > > thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: \I APOLOGIES program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGIES a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 though a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Thank you for using the program!

PS: In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife1.0 operate system.

Sd/-For Microsoft

rrdc
08.02.25, 11:16 AM
In the recently concluded Panagbenga Cheerdance Competition, the following commentaries were given by the emcees of the local channel which was aired at Skycable (..huwag po natin tularan, kung hindi sigurado sa ingles, gamitin nalang po ang sariling wika..):

Emcee 1: What can you say about the cheerdances?
Emcee 2: They did a well job!

Emcee 2: Here's enter No. 4...(enter na!)

Emcee 2: The split is a very gifted talent...(buti nalang hindi ko talent yun)

Emcee 2: The next award is Best in Cheer Leader...(naisusuot po ba ito?)

Emcee 2: Actually this award is two awards...(ahh, ganun pala..)

ryanestandarte
08.02.27, 09:09 PM
"Don't make the same mistake twice...




Marami pang kasalanan jan. Try mo yung iba..." LOL

Alna_lou
08.02.29, 11:43 AM
Girl: Father, I confess. Everytime I look at other women during mass, I realize that I'm the prettiest girl in the church! is it a sin?

Priest: No, iha it's a joke!

LOL :) :)

herald
08.03.01, 12:55 PM
bagong alpabetong filipino


AB ZTE FG...

Tawanan na lang natin...

herald
08.03.03, 02:38 PM
actual answer sa exam..

bingo
08.03.03, 03:40 PM
bagong alpabetong filipino


AB ZTE FG...

Tawanan na lang natin...

wahahaha!!!:)

herald
08.03.05, 09:51 AM
eto pa ang isang tanong na nakakatawa ang sagot....

Alna_lou
08.03.05, 10:44 AM
oo nga noh..instead of using the pythagorean theorem...LOL, mas madali pa 'to..

ma-try nga sa math exams ko...hehe

herald
08.03.11, 12:32 PM
at eto pa.. ibang klase ito

pidjong
08.04.01, 02:11 AM
Hahahah. cool.

Yna Suello
08.05.07, 01:29 PM
Ayos tong thread na to a! Heto sa akin...

"Always remember, no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless. You can always be...











...used as a bad example!" ;D

Yna Suello
08.05.07, 02:44 PM
Sino pong may alam ng title ng kantang ito?

http://www.wimp.com/song/

Grabe. SCARRRRRRRRYYYYYY...

Muntik nang matanggal ang puso ko sa pagkagulat!

holychef
08.06.03, 04:37 PM
isang araw, nagulat ang amo dahil bumalik ang naglayas na inday

amo: inday! bumalik ka rin! bakit?

inday:i care about my job sir...i care about you...

hahaha! caregiver now showing

----------eto pa-----------

night and day i wander on the street, walking aimlessly, walking thru a path all alone without certainty. Peoplrejudge me by how i look and what i wear, but hey, i don't mind coz it's my style. Alone as they see me without company...but are they free as me?

- taong grasa (angas d ba?)

BP_fan23
08.06.08, 02:39 PM
bwaahahah goodnmess lord jesius christ mary and joseph havemercyon us ganda naman ahhhj hehehe

herald
08.06.11, 02:58 PM
Namatay na nun si DA KING
Ngayun patay na rin si DA BOY
Baka ako na ang sumunod

-DAGUL

smeagol05
08.06.22, 12:19 AM
hahahahhaha.. XD next tym ulet

Jon2
08.07.02, 09:00 PM
Minsan nagtalo talo ang mga saging kung sino ang pinaka-masarap...

Sabi ni Latundan, small but sweet sya.
Sabi naman ni Lakatan, big but sweeter sya.
Nalungkot si Saba kasi di sya sweet. Kailangan pa nyang mailuto, atbp kaya nag-walk out sya.

Pero nasalubong nya sa daan si Brown Sugar at naikwento nya ang nangyari. Tumawa si Brown Sugar at sinabing:

"It doesn't matter how sweet you are. What matters is how you make others special.

... and you made me special."





- ang alamat ng Banana Cue.

holychef
08.07.02, 09:07 PM
"Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by..."


- guard ng LRT

-----------

Minsan ba nakikita mo akong kausap ang sarili ko? Ngayon, malabo mo na 'yong makita kc...HINDI KAMI BATI!!!

Cinderella
08.07.03, 03:33 PM
GF: Hatid mo ko
BF: Lako pera, naoperahan si lola, la pa padala si mommy
GF: Yaw mo? walang tao sa bahay
BF: Aba'y tignan mo nga naman may naipit pa lang P500 sa wallet ko. Tara na! :)


***************************************


Lolo: Noon, sa halagang P5, an dami ko ng nakukuha sa dept. store: gatas, tinapay, sigarilyo, shampoo, sabon, pabango, relos, belt, medyas, polo, maong...

Apo: eh ngayon po Lo?

Lolo: mahirap na ngayon kasi meron ng silang mga surveilance camera! :)


****************************************


Ahente: Sir yung bagong supermarket na binagsakan natin ng stock nagsara!
Boss: Putcha eh 1M ang binagsak natin dun ha! Bakit daw nagsara?
Ahente: GABI NA DAW PO BUKAS NAMAN DAW.
Boss: grrr...... :)

happy
08.07.05, 04:52 PM
"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"

"I can't see the agony of the audience."

Alna_lou
08.07.16, 09:39 AM
A friend of mine sent me this through e-mail...
"mga bisaya, enjoy reading." hehe

1. Kung muingon mi nga gwapa ka, ayaw
dayon
tubag ug "atik!"...Panagsa ra mi mu
dayeg ug
gwapa...obyusleh, kung gitawag ka
nga "gwapa"
naa jud mi enteres nimo...kinsa man
sad kuno ang
tarong nga laki tawagon kang "bati'g
nawong!"
atubangan sa kadaghanan...Di kaha mi
katilaw ug
plying kick ana?

2. Mangutana gani mi kung kanus-a
imong RD
(rest day) ug kung abelabol ba ka ana,
kana
nagpasabot kung pwede ba ka ma detdet
(DATE ba sa iningles)...ayaw sab mi
baraha
kay mangutana lagi mi nimu ug
strait...amo
lang gityming-tyming kay mauwawon man
sab tawon mi...

3. Kung nakabantay na ka nga nagsige
na mi
ug sunod-sunod nimo, maka-baynte na mi
ug grit nimo gud morning, or ikaw na
lang
pirmi tagdon, makig dungan ug uli
bisan nort
ug sawt, langit ug lupa ang gilay-on
sa atong
balay wid matching "Ako lang dala sa
imo
tings beh!", kana ganahan jud mi
nimo...
Pero sa pirmi natong kinuyog ug detdet
(DATE sa iningles pa), ayaw sab
pangutana
ug dali-dali "Wat r we?" or sa
binisaya pa,
"Unsa man jud diay ta?"... Inahak,
makulbaan baya
sab mi gamay ... we also feel a bit
presyur...
Kalma lang gud...musulti lagi mi in
dyu taym.

4. Kung kahibawo na jud ka nga ganahan
mi
nimo kay nisulti na man jud mi (hala
ka!)
Ayaw sad sige hisgot sa imo Ex-boypren
oi...its hurt man sad...not unlis kung
nisturya
ka sa panahong gigukod siya sa inyong
IRO
nga nisutoy siya ug dagan kay por syur
I will lap
wid u...

5. Hangyo lang sad, kung nakakita ka sa
imong crush o di ba kaha nakakita ka
ug laki
nga purting gwapoha, ayaw sad panguhit
namo, "Gwapo kaayo siya noh?" Hala
plis! Laki
intawon mi ug dili pud mi kiligon sa
imong
crush... Masuko ra ba mo kung mu
comentaryo
mi, "Gwapo pa man akong lolo ana!"

6. Sa panahon nga mag-date na tah, por
syur
kami man jud gasto, be konsyus wid yor
dayet ha
para konsyus pud mi sa among
bulsa...kung kada
adlaw na ta date ug nakabantay mo nga
chippy ug
tubig na lang among gi-order, KKB na ta
hah...salamat sa pagsabot.

7. But op cors labaw sa tanan, ayaw
kayu ni
ninyo siryusuha kay basin mu comentaryo
mo, mapikon mo ug ibalik ni ninyo nako,
Dyok dyok ra ni oi...dalang
tinoud...hehehe

8. Pero kung dili na jud madala kay
naglagot
jud mong mga babaye ani...Iporward sa
tanang
babaye nga kaila ninyo nga wala pa
makabasa...
Pag porma dayon mo ug grupo nga
Gabriella (lugar
chapter ninyo)

9. Sa mga lalake, kalingawi lang ni
ninyo ug porward
pero ayaw sa inyong naibgan kay basin
instant
basted niya mo ana!

Pahabol: Kung magpakuyog mo
mirkado...ayaw
pud mi paalsaha ug usa ka sakong
bugas... Kilo-
kiloha lang pud ntawon na...maluoy
mo...

bingo
08.07.16, 11:42 AM
pwedeng pakitranslate?

ernanibaetiong
08.07.16, 06:25 PM
oo nga sis alna_lou, di kami maka-relate eh hehe:)

ernanibaetiong
08.07.17, 08:09 AM
The Top Ten Dumbest Things You've Ever Heard Anyone Say
(Top 10 pero hanggang 32 eh noh :P)

1. YnaKi - An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic:
"Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper? " Contestant: "Ahmm....... Huling
Hapunan?"

2. Idlepsych - It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said
this: "Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff..."

3. Myckle Mouse - In Wowowee, the question was:
"Kung ang 'sigaw' ay 'shout' sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog
ang 'whisper'?" The contestant answered: "Napkin!"

4. Dongster - While watchng the news yesterday about a kid
killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented:
"Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh..."

5. No name - My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our
schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere:
"Imagine mo kung di ginawa 'tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?"

6. Ker - My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: "Miss, puwedeng take out?"

7. Loipogi - Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie:
"Please watch 'The Life Story of Julie Vega', opening na po on
the twenty-twoth of November."

8. Frederique - In a burger joint I heard a man say: "Miss, isa
ngang 'amusing' aloha at saka 'kidney' meal." Server: "Dine in po ba
or to go?" The man answered: "Ayoko ng sago!"

9. No name - I was making cookies at home when I ran out of
cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: "Manang bili ka nga ng
cookie sheet." Ad she replied: "Ano po, solo o litro?" (coke is it)

10. Marissa - My friend said: "Ang galing 'no, yung Ash Wednesday
last Year , Miyerkules din pumatak!"

11. Jasmin - A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting:
"Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, 'Jesus and
Company."

12. No name - While watching "Apollo 13?, after she heard the line:
" Houston , we have a problem." My ex-girlfriend asked: "Sino si
Houston ?"

13. Dukeman - My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told
us: "Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng 'autistic' guitar. Saan ba
nakakabili nun?"

14. No name - We were marketing for an org event, when one of my
orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors
(Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong
mas mataas sa Patron?" Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"

15. Ardiepot - Also in a gameshow. Host: "Ano sa Tagalog ang
'teeth'?" Contestant: "Utong!"

16. Missy Ricat - I once heard an emcee say:
"Let's give her a warm of applause!"

17. Epoy - One classmate in highschool said,
"Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!" I corrected him and
said, "luminous!" Then he replied, "Oo nga pala, plural!"

18. No name - Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao,
Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!" Pasahero: "Boss, Cubao?"

19. Jen - Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host:
"Anong 'P' ang Tagalog ng 'storey' o 'floor' ng building?"
Contestan: "PIP PLOR!"

20. No name - An officemate of ours told us a story about driving
alone in her car: "Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko...wala
akong kasama

21. Rome - I had a customer on the line who had a password on his
account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue:
"It's a 4-digit number." He answered, "Uhm...'ROCKY' ?"

22. Slowbyslow - I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks:
"One cup of chino please."

23. Eve - An officemate once asked: "Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong? "

24. Asht - I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of
us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din!
It's the color of the day!"

25. Ruby - My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy:
"Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!" I told her not to say that, coz it
might bounce back to us. Then she said, "Ah ganun ba yun? In that
case, mamatay na sana tayo!"

26. No name - When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, "Hey, I
got a missed call!" My friend said, "Anong sabi?"

27. Jonalou22 - From the gameshow "The Weakest Link". Host Edu
Manzano asked: "Anong 'T' ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka
ng pamasahe sa bus?" Ian Veneracion answered: "TUKLI!"

28. Joeygirl - We were reviewing for an exam and we were already
dead tired. A classmate said, "Hala, brownout!" Pagtingin namin,
nakapikit pala siya.

29. Eliteblood - A call center agent told a foreign customer
regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I
already changed your monthly period."

30. Draco's Biatch - A home economics teacher asked us: "How do you
make wet floor and tow duff?" Translation: "How do you make wheat
flour and tough dough".

31. GREEN JOKE PO ITO, I WANT TO KNOW FIRST KUNG PAYAG KAYONG IPOST KO HEHEHE (secret muna)

32. Loi Pogi - Melanie Marquez: "Ang tatay ko lang ang only living
legend na buhay pa."

*From chicogarcia(dot)wordpress(dot)com :) Ako rin binabasa ko mga entries nya dun. Heheheh.. - jon2

Alna_lou
08.07.17, 04:58 PM
hehe..sensya na po..hindi po ako magaling sa mga "translation" things...

uhm, cge, i'll ask nalang someone to translate it...:)

Yna Suello
08.07.17, 05:19 PM
The Top Ten Dumbest Things You've Ever Heard Anyone Say
(Top 10 pero hanggang 32 eh noh :P)

3. Myckle Mouse - In Wowowee, the question was:
"Kung ang 'sigaw' ay 'shout' sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog
ang 'whisper'?" The contestant answered: "Napkin!"



Pwede na rin. Hehe. :D

Jon2
08.07.19, 04:30 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v475/Jon2/pb-bigbrother.jpg

holychef
08.07.19, 09:49 PM
idagdag ko lng po kay ernanibaetiong:

Sa Eat Bulaga: "Q: Anung H ang english ng takdang - aralin(homework)"
A: HASSIGNMENT!!

----------

"Ang trabaho ay parang isang mahabang biyahe...ang sarap TULUGAN"

bingo
08.07.27, 02:05 PM
Sen.Lito Lapid: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
Sen.Jinggoy: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2.... cold water..

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado.
'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang basketbol
sa langit?'
Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!' (ngek!)

Usapan ng dalawang bata....
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean ,
siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.

Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw nalang tayong nag-aaway
Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa
siguro, sumama na ako sa 'yo!

Sa isang classroom... .
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks..
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay
kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano
raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!


Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest


Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko?
Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.


Beauty contest
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po..
pero bakit naman butligs pa.....

Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may
sakit siya ako po yung substitute.. ..

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat
and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?

Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?!! !
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko![U]

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.(o, loko!)


( ito pinakagusto ko!!! )
Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala
niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.


Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

TAWA MUNA PARA MARELAX!!!

reagan
08.07.31, 09:35 PM
Joke.Joke.Joke.... LOL

SA BAKERY

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?


ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un...TEN MILLER!!!

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...

MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago.

JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.



(jUST FOR laughs lang po... peace! :) )

bajo
08.08.01, 09:41 AM
Question:

Hindi tao, hindi hayop, hindi bagay, ano ito?

ardeeon09
08.08.01, 10:32 AM
Joke # 1 :

A mother talking to her ill son :

Mom : Nak, kain ka na o... Kahit tatlong kuchara lang...

Son : Di ko po talaga kaya eh... Mahirap kumain pag may sakit...

Mom : Sige na anak, tatlong kuchara lang.

Son : NAY! DI BA KAYO MAKAINTINDI HA?! Pagkain nga ndi ako makakain, kuchara pa kaya!






Joke # 2 :

Apo talking to her Lola

Apo : Lola, galing ng teacher ko!

Grandma : Bakit naman?

Apo : Kasi po tinuruan na kami ng kagandahang asal kanina eh!

Grandma : Aba! Edi marunong ka na mag opo at po?

Apo : Natural! T*ng* ka ba?!





Joke # 3

GF: Huhuhuhuhu... bakit natin ginawa to? Nagalaw na ako... huhuhu.. at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!

BF: HOY ISA LANG AH!!!

GF: BAKIT?! DI BA NATIN UULITIN MAMAYA?!





Joke # 4

1 Binatilyo pumasok sa gay bar, nalaman ng nanay nya at nagalit :

Nanay : Ano ang nakita mo dun na ndi mo dapat nakita?!

Anak : Si tatay po! TUMITILI PA!!! XD




Joke # 5

Steward talking to a Filipino :

S: Sir, are you done?

F: No, I'm Juan

S: Sir, what I mean is are you finished?

F: No, I'm filipino

S: SIR! I mean are you THROUGH?!

F: DEMNNN! What do you think of me?! False?!?! Oh come on!





Joke # 6

A Filipino rides a french plane to go to france :

Filipino : Excuse me miss, do you have a restroom here?

French Stewardess : Perdon?

Filipino : Do you have a restroom here? Reeesttt Roooom. *Pinapawisan na*

French Stewardess : Oui oui!!

Filipino : No no!!! Uu! UU!!!!




Waiter: Sir, what will you have?
American: Swiss steak and French fries!
Waiter: What about you, sir?
Filipino: Ganon din, sweepstake, yong first prize!



Guro: Cno c Jose Rrizal?
Juan: D ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe: D rin po.
Guro: D nyo kilala c Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po s kabilang section sya!



a mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed.
after a song dumapa sya.
the nurse asked...
"O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"
he answered: "Adik ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"

---
Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot ?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot And Friends?

Bata: Sir, kanino po yang malaking bungo?
Erap: Yan? Si Magellan yan!
Bata: Eh aun pong maliit?
Erap: Si Magellan din yan noong bata pa siya!


Bruno: Anu yang nasa papel na yan?
Juan: Listahan ng mga takot sa akin.
Bruno: Tingin nga! Bakit andito ako?!
Juan: Bakit?! Laban ka?!
Bruno: Oo!!
Juan: Edi burahin! Problem ba yun?

marami pang susunod so enjoy po for the meantime

ardeeon09
08.08.01, 10:33 AM
Famous Quotes :
"Cge! Kalimutan mo na ako para malaman ng lahat ang baho mo!!!"






- Deodorant





"Sige! Magpakasaya ka! Alam ko naman na katawan ko lang ang habol mo!"







-Hipon


"Kung ginalingan mo ang pagsupsop habang matigas pa ako, hindi ka malalagkitan o magkakatulo! Mabagal kang kumilos! mabagal ka! MABAGAL!!!"







-Ice Candy


"Madugo man ang buhay ko, abot kamay ko naman ang langit smile.gif"








-Napkin




"Hindi ko hinangan na ipagmalaki mo ako... Ang ayaw ko lang naman eh, sa harap ng madaming tao ganun m nlang ako itanggi..."








-Utot




"Hindi lang babae ang pwede maglipstick!"










-Ronald McDonald



Eto panapos... =))


"Hindi lahat ng maasim ay may vitamin C!"
















-Kilikili




"Hindi lahat ng walang salawal bastos"






-- WINNIE THE POOH






"Hindi lahat ng pink kikay"







-- Ma Jin Boo (Dragon Ball)








"Hindi lahat ng bubuyog itim"









-- Jollibee

ardeeon09
08.08.01, 10:35 AM
Holdapper : Pumili ka, Wallet mo o pasasabugin ko utak mo?!

Victim : BAHALA KA!!!! Basta... PAREHONG WALANG LAMAN YAN!!!

___


English Class
Bawal ang magtagalog:


Pedro : Ma'am, may I go out please?

Teacher : why?

Pedro : because FATHER,MOTHER,ME!

Teacher : What?

Pedro : <Pawisan>

Teacher : Magtagalong ka na nga lang!

Pedro : Ma'am! Tata, ina, ako!!


___

Question : Pano mo ssbhn sa isang babae na maitim ang kilikili niya ng ndi sha nababastos?

Answer : "Uhm... Excuse me miss, Kiwi ba ang deodorant mo? happy.gif"

ardeeon09
08.08.01, 10:36 AM
1. Tenacious: Bepor you go out, put on your tenacious on.

2. Deposit: Call da plahmer, deposit is leaking!

3. Splat: Oh my goodness, my tire is splat!

4. Associate: When I went to da bat'room, associate in da toilet so I plashed it.

5. Hostess: When da pone rings, I ask "hostess?"

6. Beef stew: My beeper beeps, does yours beef stew?

7. Persuading: Dis month will be my cousin's persuading anibersary.

8. Depressed: Depressed is da one who leads mass on Sunday.

9. Deficit: Bepor you jahmp in da pool, check how deficit.

10. Statue: Oy Pedro, statue?

11. Uno, dos, tres: Uno, dos tres are burning!

12. Candidate: I ordered to much pood, I think I candidate.

13. Chicken nut bread: My sister can't swim, when she jahmps in da water, chicken nut bread.

14. Staten Island: The Filipinos discubbored (discovered) Staten Island in New York when one Pinoy yelled (while passing by in a boat), "Oy! Is staten island?"

ardeeon09
08.08.01, 10:39 AM
BATTLE OF THE BRAINLESS... FILIPINO JOKES

Host : Ano ang ginagamit na floatation device sa
dagat upang hindi
ka malunod?
Clue : starts with the letter S (salbabida) Beep!
Contestant : Sirena?
Host : Hinde! Hindi ito babae. Beep!
Contestant : Siyokoy?
Host : Hindi! Hindi ito lalake. Beep!
Contestant : Siyoke?


H : What is the national tree of the Philippines?
Clue : Starts with the letter "N"
C : Niyog?
H : Mas matigas pa diyan.
C : (In a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!


H : Ano ang total ng 2 + 2?
C : Three!
H : Hinde, mas mataas pa diyan.
C : (In a high pitched voice) Three!


H : Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Clue : "B" ang simula (Bagumbayan)
C : Sa back?
H : O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay "L"
(Luneta)
C : Sa likod?
H : Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P" and
initials ng modern
name niya (Rizal Park)
C : Sa rear part?


H : Saan tayo madalas pumupunta pag summer upang
maligo?
Clue : Starts with "B" (Beach)
C : Banyo?
H : Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
C : Sa bubong?
H : Hindi, marami kang makikita doong mga babaeng
naka-bikini.
C : Sa beerhouse?


H : What is the national bird of the Philippines?
Clue : Starts with the letter "M" (Maya)
C : Manok?
H : Hindi, brown ang kulay nito.
C : Piniritong manok?
H : Hindi, nagtatapos sa letter "A"
C : Piniritong manoka?
H : Hindi, mas maliit pa sa manok.
C : Maggie chicken cube?


H : What is the national flower of the
Philippines?
Clue : It starts with the letter "S" (Sampaguita)
C : Sunflower?
H : Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
C : Stork?
H : Hindi. Bulaklak sabi, eh.
C : Sitsarong bulaklak?
H : Hindi pa rin. Ends with the letter "A"
C : Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
H : O, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko p
C : pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S",
nagtatapos sa
letrang "A", at kapangalan ito ng isang sikat na
singer.
C : Si Sharon Cuneta!


H : Ano ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag
ikaw ay nalulunod?
Clue : "L" ang simula ng pangalan niya.
C : Lifebuoy?
H : Hindi, pero kahawing nga ng pangalan ng sabon
ang pangalan ng
taong ito.
C : Safeguard?
H : Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
C : Safe boy?
H : Hindi siya 'boy' at matipuno nga ang kaniyang
katawan.
C : Si Mr. Clean!


H : Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of
Asia?
Clue : Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene
Torre)
C : Carole King?
H : Hindi, mas mababa sa King.
C : Al Quinn?
H : Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
C : Armida Siguion-Reyna?
H : Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
C : Bishop Bacani?
H : Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
C : Johnny Midnight?
H : Mas mababa pa sa knight.
C : Jerry Pons?
H : O ayan, ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng
piyesa. Yung
kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
C : Sylvia la Torre?


H : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500
peso bill?
Clue : Ang initials niya ay N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
C : Nora Aunor?
H : Hindi, ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay 'Y'
C : Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, dati siyang senador.
C : Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, patay na siya.
C : Ano!? Patay na si Nora Aunor!!??

unbreakable
08.08.01, 11:38 AM
ROFLMAO sakit na ng tiyan ko sa katatawa...

nnice jokes people

herald
08.08.01, 12:02 PM
mga kapatid, paki iwasan lang po ang pagpunta sa Malolos, Bulacan, marami na po kasing balita ng mga nawawala at naliligaw doon.

bakit kanyo?.. kasi pagpumunta kayo doon.. Malolos kayo.. (corney...LOL)

holychef
08.08.01, 04:56 PM
"You are now boarding flight 911 - ilang sandali lang po lamang at tayo'y lalapag na sa bundok na lang paliparan. In case of this emergency, please don't panic ladies and gentlemen, parachutes will be provided on the crash site, and breakfast will be served to all the survivors. Maraming salamat at sa Ngalan po ng Philippine Airlines, ng Ama, ng Anak, at ng Espiritu Santo. Amen."

"Minsan ba nakikita mo akong kausap ang sarili ko? Ngayon malabo mo na iyon makita kasi...HINDI KAMI BATI!!!"

"Jawless!


Jawless beksop! Tagabek ng kek, kukess & iba pang brid. Gaya ng chess brid,monggo brid at igg brid.


Jawless.."


"Aanhin mo pa ang damo...kung ang garden mo ay sementado..."

"The family that prays together...only has one rosary..."

ryanestandarte
08.08.04, 11:20 PM
"Hinatak ako ni Ibarra na tila isang kagamitang pag-aari niya. Habang si Elias nama'y nasa aking likuran. Nadama ko ang init ng kanilang damdamin mula sa aking kaibuturan... Halinhinan silang nagtampisaw sa tamis na lawang ngayon pa lamang nakadanas ng bayong kaligayahan..."







- Maria Clara (sinaunang threesome) LOL

manoiskee
08.08.08, 09:39 AM
got this from another forum i frequently visit, the poster got this from Neal Cruz's column on Inquirer.net (http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20080808-153339/President-bears-responsibility-for-rogue-justices)

Today's joke: A fan from the Malacañang Press Office sent this item:

Official announcement: The government announced today that it was changing its emblem from a sea lion to a condom, because the latter more accurately reflects the government’s political and economic stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

funny and sad at the same time. LOL :(

ernanibaetiong
08.08.08, 01:18 PM
funny and sad at the same time. LOL :(

OO nga manoiskee, ito ang masakit tanggapin na katotohanan:(

titopao
08.08.08, 04:36 PM
Found this one on the 'net...basically a Windows vs. Linux or Microsoft vs. opensource joke, but you don't need to be a technical person to get the humor :)

kumintang
08.08.08, 07:12 PM
DIARY NI INDAY - A MUST READ!


My Diary (Day 1)


It was jazz an ordinary day.

The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila na rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng : "Indaaayyyyy. .."

Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now?

"Dodong!" sigaw ko.

Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.

"Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open?" tanong nya.

"Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko eh" sabi ko.

Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. He's every woman's dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.

"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong.

"I don't mine" sagot ko.

Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?" sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.

"Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.

"Yes sir" sabi nito. "Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and was completed. It also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully" dagdag pa niya.

"And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa akin.

Hmmm..mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.

"I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh."sagot ko.

Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it's a long, long, way to run.

"Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'm happily married" pagmamalaki ko.

"Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn't expect you still have more feelings than I expected. I don't want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect." dagdag ko pa.

Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.

"I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.

Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To think it's his other woman that caused our separation to part.

Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.

"Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?" sabi ko sa mamang guard.

"Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure." sagot niya.

"Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lost in my eyes."

"Diretso lang."sabi niya. "Then turn right anytime with care."

"Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.

Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag-disappear nya.

"Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!" pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar.

Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it's all over. I'm out of arm's way.

"Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you.?" bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya:

"I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn't give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know something is a missed."

From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn't even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.

Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at walang exhibitions. I feel I'm on cloud line.

holychef
08.08.11, 06:31 PM
"Wala Lang"

- Pass this to 21 people and nothing will happen. Totoo ito! This is very effective! I just tried it and wala talagang nangyari!!

---------------------------------------

Teacher: Ok class mag draw kayo ng kahit anong klase ng isda...

Students; yes Mam!

Teacher: O Pedro ano ba iyang drawing mo ang gulo!

Student: Mam huwag kang epal...BAGOONG iyan!

----------------------------------

Student: Sir! musta po grades ko?

Teacher; Aba iha! magandang - maganda! Kasing ganda ng buhok mo!

Student: talaga po?!

Teacher: Aba oo! Parang hair mo...BAGSAK!!!

---------------------------------------------
Boy: musta?

girl: k lang...ikaw?

boy: k lang din...hehehe...

girl:hehe...

sa Globe Unlitxt walang kakwenta ang usapan!!!

poknat20
08.08.13, 11:35 AM
wala lang din..

Apo: Lola, ang galing po ng titser ko..

Lola: Baket apo?

Apo: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal!

Lola: Aba! magaling! e di marunong ka ng mag "po" at "opo"

Apo: Natural! tanga ka ba?!

silveryellow
08.08.14, 08:52 AM
*Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.*There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

*Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

*Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

*Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

*Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

*Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

*Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

*Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

*Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

*Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

*Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

*What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

*If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

*In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

*There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

*Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

*There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

*When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

*Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

*When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

*Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

*Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

*Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com)

Ana Maria Licup
08.08.14, 10:33 AM
Quotes from the greatest warriors:

I came, I saw, I conquered - Julius Caesar

I shall return - MacArthur

I will fight iniwan, iniwer & initym - Pacman

poknat20
08.08.15, 10:13 PM
Friends,

I hope you'll enjoy this as much as I did. :)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

holychef
08.08.17, 08:19 PM
NEW SCHOOL DICTIONARY:

ALLOWANCE - The strong force that motivates you to go to school

BONUS - The key to passing the exam

I.D. - Alternative ruler to draw a straight line

STUDYING - Causes sleepiness faster than a sleeping pill!

UNIFORM - Where you wipe your wet hands after going to the CR

TOMMOROW - deadline

CLINIC - Home of the best actors and actresses

BREAK - Most enjoyed subject

BALLPEN - Device used to draw something to the desk

NERD - Bestfriend during exams

-------------------------------------

"Ngek! eh sira ka pala eh, Alangan namang ako pa iiwas sayo para hindi ka mahulog sa akin. Hindi ko naman ginusto ito pra mapahiya ka lang. Don't worry, hindi ko pagsasabi na nagfall ka sa akin."

-kanal

-------------------------------------

Alam mo ba na sa Africa 10% lang ang maitim?

TOTOO!

The rest 90% maitim na maitim!

(musta naman ang racist!haha)

kumintang
08.08.18, 12:30 AM
The Story of Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

czyre
08.08.19, 06:37 AM
One time, i had a conversaion with one of my students. We were talking about idioms... it goes like this...

Student: I love idioms

Me: Really? That's good!

Student: But I have a question...

Me: Sure! What is it?

Student: When someone asks you "How come?" that means... "Why?" right?

Me: That's correct, why are you asking?

Student: (Laughing) Because when i was in the States, someone asked me "How come?" and I answered...

Student: ..."By train!"

Me: Bwahahahahahahahaha...

Me: (Again) Bwahahahahahahahaha

Me: Why did you say that?!

Student: (Embarassed but laughing really hard but not as loud as i did) Because I was confused! I didn't know what it means!

Me: So what happened? (still giggling...)

Student: I bought a laptop and the salesman was offering an insurance for my laptop and i said no. Then he asked me "How come?" and i said "By train..."

Me: (Laughing again, louder this time...) You bought a laptop... and the salesman offered insurance... The train has nothing to do with it! were you even thinking?! What did the salesman say...

Student: He was so serious! He did not even smile! Then he asked me again "Huuuwaaaay?!?!" (Why?)

(...i was right. My student is lucky he's still alive haha...)

Me: Well, at least now you know what it means... But i'm curious, did you get the insurance he was offering?

Student: No!

Me: How come?!

Me and Student: "By train!"

titopao
08.08.20, 09:05 AM
Got this one from Hangad's Domi :)

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BEING KONYO

1. Thou shall make gamit "make+pandiwa".
ex. "Let's make pasok na to our class!"
"Wait lang! I'm making kain pa!"
"Come on na, we can't make hintay anymore! It's in Andrew pa, you know?"

2. Thou shall make kalat "noh", "diba" and "eh" in your pangungusap.
ex. "I don't like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it's like, so eew, diba?"
"What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?"
"Eh as if you want naman also, diba?"

3. When making describe a whatever, always say "It's SO pang-uri!"
ex. "It's so malaki, you know, and so mainit!"
"I know right? So sarap nga, eh!"
"You're making me inggit naman.. I'll make bili nga my own burger."

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation "dude", 'tsong" or "pare"
ex. "Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare."
"I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh"

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. "My bag is so bigat today, you know"
"I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book eh!"

6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish.
ex. "I have so many tigyawats, oh!"

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. "Like, it's so init naman!"
"Yah! The aircon, it's, like sira!"

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. "Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?"
"It's so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?"

9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know, daglat?"
ex. "Like, OMG! It's like traffic sa LRT"
"I know right? It's so kaka!"
"Kaka?"
"Kakaasar!"

10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect!
ex. "I'm, like, making aral at the Arrhneo!"
"Me naman, I'm from Lazzahl!

holychef
08.08.27, 08:39 PM
Bago ka matulog, pansinin mo naman ang matandang nakaitim sa pintuan nang kwarto mo...O ingat sa pagkilos baka madaganan mo ang batang nasa ilalim nang kumot mo...Kumusta naman ang babaeng nasa loob nang cabinet mo, duguan pa rin ba? Eh ang lalaking naka-barong sa may paanan mo, natagpuan na ba ang ulo niya? Napapansin mo bang sobrang tahimik ng kapaligiran wala kang maririnig kundi ungol ng mga di matahimik na kaluluwa? Oh sige na matulog ka na..Good Night:)

herald
08.08.27, 08:54 PM
manakot ba? LOL

ernanibaetiong
08.09.04, 10:04 PM
Speaking of funny, here's something from the King of Comedy. Got this on my email (I think it's a PEP article), late na pero Happy Birthday Mang DolphY!:ecstatic:

DOLPHY AT 80...

Dolphy at 80: Living in a Goldfish Bowl

A confirmed bachelor, yes. He has had dozens of women in his life, siring 18 children with six of them, but has never married any of them. His current and, just probably, last Zsa Zsa Padilla might be "it," but only heaven knows.

He could run for any position and win hands down but no, as he first told The STAR in an interview a decade or so ago when he refused to join the showbiz bandwagon to the political arena, "Madaling tumakbo; paano kung manalo?" (That was his exact answer which was rephrased in the retelling.)

Rodolfo Vera Quizon, lovingly known as Dolphy, turned 80 last July 25. To celebrate his being "weighty at 80," his son Eric has published Dolphy's biography titled Hindi Ko Ito Narating Mag-Isa (as told to Bibeth Orteza). The en-grande book launching was held last July 23, at the NBC Tent, Fort Bonifacio, Taguig City, in cooperation with the Dolphy Aid Para sa Pinoy Foundation, which provides education to the underprivileged.

Comedy King.

Woman-lover and Ladies' Man.

Bombilya King.

Dolphy is all that - and more.

Here are "80 snippets" as a preview to the predicted best-seller:

1. I was born on Calle Padre Herrera on July 25, 1928. Orig na Tondo Boy. I was about 13 when Japan bombed Pearl Harbor.

2. My father was Melencio, son of Modesto Quizon and Adorable Espinosa. He was earning well as tagagawa ng makina sa bapor at the Atlantic Gulf.

3. My mother was Salud, daughter of Maximo Vera and Ninay de la Rosa. She owned a tailoring shop at home. She was the first cousin of Rita Vera Avellana, mother of Lamberto Avellana. My siblings and I called our parents
Papang and Mamang.

4. At that time, I could watch movies for free because I sold peanuts and butong-pakwan inside, and also singkamas-malamig.

5. Radio was a hit at that time. The couple Dely Atay-Atayan and Andoy Balunbalunan were the pioneers of radio shows.

6. I am the second of 10 children - Corazon, Rodolfo, Josefina, Melencio Jr., Laura, Aurora, Jorge, Jaime, Teresita and Jaime.

7. I was circumcised by a barber at the bathroom under our house. When I saw blood, I swallowed the guava leaves I was chewing, which was to be used to cover the wound.

8. Pre-war. I started studying in a public school when I was six. Naabot na ng right hand ko ang tainga ko sa left side so I was accepted in Grade 1.

9. My baon was two centavos when I was in elementary and 10 centavos in high school. At the Chinese store, you could buy a cup of coffee for one centavo and tinapay na may laman for another centavo.

10. My favorite subjects were History and Arithmetic. Augusto Chico, 'yung nakalaban ni Asiong Salonga, was my classmate.

11. Japanese Time. I did odd jobs, including shining shoes, pagkakabit ng mga butones ng pantalon sa pagawaan, taga-salansan ng mga bote na ika-classify mo according to size taga-karga ng20bigas na mas mabibigat pa sa akin sa pier, nag-buy-and-sell at naging kutsero.

12. I watched stage shows at the Life Theater and Avenue Theater. Mga bida sina Pugo at Tugo, at Bayani Casimiro (Life) at pambato sa drama si Rogelio de la Rosa; at sina Patsy, Lupito, Lupita and Gregorio Ticman (Avenue), at pambato sa drama si Leopoldo Salcedo. May shows din sa Lyric at Majestic.

13. My idols in comedy were Pugo and Tugo; sa sayaw, sina Bayani Casimiro at Benny Mack.

14. I was turning 17 when Benny Mack got me as a chorus dancer, one month at Avenue and then I moved to Lyric. When there was an air raid, we would interrupt the show and run for cover at the air-raid shelter sa orchestra, kasama ang audience. Kapag walang bombang bumagsak, tuloy uli ang show.

15.. I was also in the shows at Orient Theater. Golay was my first stage name. My dream was to have a solo dance na gaya ni Fred Astaire.

16. My first love was Aida Javier who came from a family of musicians. Mahusay siya mag-piano.

17. During my first roadshow, nakasama ko si Carlos Padilla Sr., lolo ni Zsa Zsa.

18. I met Engracia Dominguez - si Gracia - sa stage show. In our skit, she stood motionless, kunwari portrait, habang kinakantahan ko ng Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa. Nagkaroon kami ng anim na anak - Manny, Salud, Rodolfo Jr., Freddie, Edgar and Raul. Gracia and I separated in 1963.

19. I was among the original O FWs. Mga 1950 'yon. Nag-show kami sa Hawaii, sa Hong Kong. And then, Japan where I saw snow for the first time. It was also in Japan where I met Bimbo Danao, tatay ni Laura Danao at dating artist sa LVN na naging singer. Sikat na sikat siya sa Japan.

20. It was Conde Ubaldo who got me into radio in the late '40s. He was a popular radio writer, director and producer. Isinama ako sa Wag Naman, starring Pancho Magalona, Tessie Quintana and Baby Jane.

21. It was Pancho Magalona who recommended me to Dr. Jose "Doc" Perez, the starmaker of Sampaguita Pictures. That was in 1952.

22. My first movie was Sa Isang Sulyap Mo, Tita, with Pancho Magalona and Tita Duran. And then came Jack and Jill. Mga bida sina Rogelio de la Rosa at Lolita Rodriguez. I wasn't the first choice. Sina Batotoy at Bayani ang unang kinonsider.

23. Jack and Jill was a komiks serial by Mars Ravelo. After that, I did other komiks characters - Silveria, Captain Barbell, Facifica Falayfay, all by Mars Ravelo.

24. The first time I did drama was in a 4-in-1 movie, with Barbara Perez who played a blind girl. 'Yung episode namin was inspired by the Charlie Chaplin's movie City Lights.

25. When I joined Sampaguita, my fee was P1,000 per movie. When my contract expired, P7,000 per picture na ako.

26. I fell in love with a fellow Sampaguitan but I'd rather not reveal who she was. Sa amin na lang 'yon. She's now in America.

27. It was also in Sa mpaguita where my team-up with Panchito became popular. Actually, our tandem started on radio, sa mga shows ni Conde Ubaldo.

28. 'Yung song-translation gimmick namin ni Panchito started in Tawag ng Tanghalan, the amateur talent search that produced Pepe Pimentel, Ric Manrique Jr., Diomedes Maturan, Nora Aunor and Edgar Mortiz. Panchito and I stayed in Tawag for six months, then sinimulan namin ang Buhay Artista where we continued the song-translation portion. Click na click sa audience 'yon.

29. It's not true na naging girlfriend ko si Miss Aruba (Maureen Ava Viera). Sumali siya sa Miss Universe pageant dito noong 1974. Muntik lang naging kami.,

30. I met Gloria Smith in 1956. Nagkaroon kami ng apat na anak - Mariquita, Carlos, Geraldino and Edwin.

31. As a father, I couldn't give my children all my attention when they were growing up. I was really working full time.

32. I was practically jobless when I left Sampaguita. It was Eugenio "Geny" Lopez Jr., na kung tawagin ay si Kapitan, who got me into television. Channel 3 pa noon. Sa kanila nagsimula ang Student Canteen. Hosts sina Eddie Ilarde, Leila Benitez, Pepe Pimentel at Bobby Ledesma.

33. My first TV show was Buhay Artista, sa ABS-CBN, idea nina Geny at Ading Fernando. Sa radyo, my talent fee was P250-P300 per program. Sa TV, mas mataas ng kaunti, P500 per show.

34. I met Baby Smith. Artista rin siya, Pamela Ponti ang screen name. She was 17, I was 36.. Nagkaroon kami ng apat na anak - Ronaldo, Enrico, Madonna and Jeffrey.

35. I began doing movies for independent studios - LEA Productions, Balatbat Productions, Filipinas Productions, Zultana Productions and D'Lanor ni FPJ.

36. FPJ got me to star in two movies in 1964, Captain Barbell and Daigdig ng Fantasia (with Nova Villa), both directed by Herminio "Butch" Bautista, tatay ni Herbert.

37. I put up RVQ Productions in 1965. My first venture was Buhay Artista, released in 1966. Kami ni Panchito pa rin, kasama sina Susan Roces at Ronaldo Valdez.

38. Ronaldo Valdez's real name is Ronald James Gibbs. He's my discovery, for Pepe en Pilar, pelikula namin ni Susan. We wanted a new face as Susan's partner. I saw Ronaldo in a basketball court and brought him to the presscon so Susan could see him. "Wala bang iba?" Susan said. I brought Ronaldo to the barber shop, bought him a pair of boots at Glenmore and lent him my terno. When I presented him to Susan again, she said, "Iyan
pa." She didn't know that he was the same guy I introduced to her earlier. Then I changed his name to Ronaldo Valdez.

39. Because of Jack and Jill, I was typecast in gay roles. My biggest hit is Facifica Falayfay, directed by Luciano "Chaning" Carlos. I did 23 other movies with Chaning.

40. When agent movies were the fad, I also played a secret agent, Dolpinger 1-2-3. Si Chiquito naman, Agent 0-2-10.

41. It's not true that Chiquito and I had a rivalry. May gumawa lang ng ganoon20because at that time mayroong Nora-Vilma rivalry.

42. In the '60s, naging fad ang bomba films nina Merle Fernandez, Rossana Marquez, Rosanna Ortiz at Yvonne. Nag-lie low ako for a while.

43. In 1978, balik ako sa gay role, sa Ang Tatay Kong Nanay where I played a parloristang bakla, directed by Lino Brocka. Kasama ko sina Ni単o Muhlach as the son of my boyfriend, si Phillip Salvador. Si Jessie Yu ang producer, brother ni Mother Lily.

44. RVQ produced more than 100 films. It had sister companies, Rodzon Film Organization and Rodessa Films.

45. The tsismis was that I had a relationship with all my leading ladies. Hindi naman po lahat. Mayroon ding hindi natuloy.

46. Did I court Nida Blanca, my leading lady in John en Marsha? Hindi po. Ni minsan hindi ko naisipang ligawan siya.

47. John en Marsha started in 1971, a year before Martial Law, on Channel 9. It was the idea of Kitchie Benedicto, head of the station. Before Nida, who was doing Wala Kang Paki with Nestor de Villa, Boots Anson-Roa and Helen Gamboa were considered as my wife Marsha. Before Dely Atay-Atayan, kinonsider din si Chichay as my mother-in-law na mayaman at matapobre.. Mga anak namin sina Rolly (Quizon) at Maricel Soriano.

48. John en Marsha was such a big hit that it was made into a movie eight times.

49. I don't need Viagra. Zsa Zsa is my Viagra.

50. Ang type ko sa babae 'yung mestisahin at siempre, maganda.

51. I am known as a Bombilya King, pero imposibleng dahil "doon" sa, alam mo na. Kumalat 'yon after I did El Pinoy Matador. As a torero, my costume was tight, no underwear. Kapag nakaharap ako, naka-marka talaga 'yung akin, parang bombilya.

52. I am shy with women. I start with touching her hand. Pag hindi inalis, may gusto. Pag inalis na may kasamang gulat, medyo ayaw. Pero pag dahan-dahang inalis, ok-ok pa, nagpapakipot lang.

53. In the late '60s while we were shooting in a hospital, I met a nurse, Evangeline Tagulao. Nagkaroon kami ng isang anak. Nasa States na sila ngayon.

54. I met Pilar Pilapil in 1969 when we shot Tayo'y Mag-Up, Up and Away in Rome, Paris, London, New York, Hawaii and Las Vegas. That was two years after she won the Bb. Pilipinas-Universe title. We almost got married. Ayaw ng parents niya..

55. Then, I fell in love with Lotis Key. I also almost married her. Ang\ mga babae ko, kadalasan nagkakasabay-sabay, nag-o-overlap sila.

56. In 1981, I met Alma Moreno. We have a son, Vandolph. Why did we break up? Ayoko na lang mag-elaborate. Basta, nahirapan ako sa lifestyle niya.

57. Nang naging kami ni Zsa Zsa, nabulabog ang buhay namin. Nawalan ako ng show; tinanggal ang mga commercials ko. At that time, we seriously thought of living in the States. Nakabili na nga kami ng bahay doon, eh.

58. Zsa Zsa and I have a daughter, si Zia. We also have an adopted daughter, si Nicole who was just a few months old nang ibigay sa akin ng=2 0nanay niyang Amerikana. Nasa Hizon's ako noon.

59. Hizon's is my favorite restaurant, sa Ermita 'yon. Masarap ang ensaymada nila. 'Yon ang pang-regalo ko sa mga friends ko.

60. When Nicole was baptized, the priest asked me, "Ang dami mo nang anak; bakit gusto mo pang mag-adopt?" Sabi ko, "Tingnan n'yo, padre, parang anghel. Kung sa'yo ibinigay, hindi n'yo ba tatanggapin?"

61. One of my embarrassing moments...Sa Orient, sumasayaw kami. May lifting-lifting. E, may colds ako. Lumobo ang sipon ko habang binubuhat ko ang partner ko. Palakpakan ang audience.

62. I love shirts by Italian designers. Armani. Gusto ko rin ang Gap at Banana Republic.

63. Sa perfume, Angel.

64. Sa kotse, Mercedes Benz.

65. Sa books, biography. Nabasa ko na 'yung books tungkol kay Frank Sinatra at Charlie Chaplin.

66. Sa color, partial ako sa white. At red na nakuha ko sa Chinese Feng Shui. Red daw is good luck to wear on a Monday.

67. Sa music, ballads. Fan ako nina Frank Sinatra, Doris Day at Ella Fitzgerald.

68. Gone With The Wind was the first color movie that I saw. Other movies that I love are Singing in the Rain and all the Chaplin movies.

69. I also like musicals, 'yung starring Fred Astraire and Gene Kelly. Oo, Sound of Music.

70. My other favorites: Clark Gable, Gary Cooper, Jack Lemmon, Hedy Lamarr, Ingrid Bergman, Jack Nicholson, Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Hilary Swank at marami pang iba.

71. Sa20local, 'yung mga paborito ko namayapa na - Leopoldo Salcedo, Rogelio de la Rosa, Jose Padilla Jr.

72. Ay si FPJ siempre. Alaga ako noon ng tatay niya, si Fernando Poe Sr. Ayoko sa pulitika pero nag-kampanya ako para kay FPJ.,

73. Oo nga pala, I started in the movies in 1946, kay Fernando Poe Sr. Nanding ang tawag namin sa kanya. I was only 19 then.

74. My zodiac sign is Leo.

75. Mahilig si FPJ sa jacket, so everytime I traveled, ang pasalubong ko sa kanya ay jacket na ginagamit naman niya sa kanyang mga pelikula.

76. Yes, it's true. Mayroon na akong kabaong, bronze. Matagal na. I was among the first to buy a family estate sa Loyola Memorial Park sa Marikina.

77. Totoo. Madasalin akong tao. Habang nagtre-treadmill, nagro-rosary ako.

78. Do I have any regrets? None. I may not be a multi-millionaire but I feel like one dahil marami akong kaibigan.

79. How do I want to be remembered? As a good person.

80. At 80, of course hindi na ako bagets. Na-kidney operation na ako. Na-bypass. Nagka-tubig sa lungs.

kumintang
08.09.05, 10:16 PM
http://philvintage.googlepages.com/funnydog.jpg

LOL

kumintang
08.09.10, 05:58 PM
http://philvintage.googlepages.com/snatcher.jpg

:D

ernanibaetiong
08.09.10, 10:38 PM
Nabasa ko lang po sa testi sa FS, found it very funny:)


Panatang mga tambay
Iniibig ko ang mga tambay
isinilang ako para tumambay.
Ito ang gawaing ipapagawa ko sa aking mga
susunod na salinglahi.
ang tambayan ko ay kanyang kinukupkop
at tinutulungan
upang maging pogi, maganda at
magkaroon ng syota.
bilang ganti ay gagawin ko lahat ng gawain bilang tambay.
paglilingkuran ko ang napili kong
ka tambay...
hindi ko pauuwiin ang mga tambay kahit magalit pa sila
mabuwag na kami{wag lang nilang sabihin na hinuli kami}.
sisikapin kong maging isang tunay na
maka-tambay sa isip...sa salita...at sa
gawa

ROFLMAO

holychef
08.09.19, 08:32 PM
When I was a little kid, my nursemaid used to tell me "Someday, you'll find that special someone who'll be with you forever."

I just smiled and said

"Whatever YAYA, you're such a LOSER!!!"

haha...go yaya jokes!!!

---------------------------------------

"Parisukat ugat ng ekis sa kapangyarihan ng dalawa ay ekis."

Sa ingles:"The square root of x to the power of 2 is x."

makakasurvive kaya tayo kung pati ang math ay tagalog???

sapakan na lang!!!

kumusta naman?!?

royal haggardness
08.09.20, 04:09 AM
When I was a little kid, my nursemaid used to tell me "Someday, you'll find that special someone who'll be with you forever."

I just smiled and said

"Whatever YAYA, you're such a LOSER!!!"

haha...go yaya jokes!!!

Comment lang, pati pala ang Funniest Thread dito sa board eh affected na ng Yaya fever :)

silveryellow
08.09.23, 08:14 PM
lalong lumabo :P

Kuya G.
08.09.24, 12:25 PM
Matagal-tagal na din na seryoso akong nagbabasa dito sa board since i missed this thread, hehehe ngayon lang ulit ako napagawi dito at walang humpay ang aking kakatawa, ahahahaha, saya talaga sa thread na ito. :ecstatic:

kumintang
08.09.24, 03:20 PM
lalong lumabo :P



Heto mas malinaw ng kaunti:http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/10.gif

silveryellow
08.09.24, 04:06 PM
Heto mas malinaw ng kaunti:http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/10.gif


mas malinaw nga, at least sya na nagexplain :P

yong ni-post ko, ako talaga kumuha non.
naintindihan ko na lang yong meaning, after looking at it several times :P oo, may sense sya. hehehe.

Kuya G.
08.09.24, 08:57 PM
mas malinaw nga, at least sya na nagexplain :P

yong ni-post ko, ako talaga kumuha non.
naintindihan ko na lang yong meaning, after looking at it several times :P oo, may sense sya. hehehe.

Ahahaha malinaw na malinaw nga!:ecstatic: PANALO!!!:wow:

reagan
08.09.24, 08:58 PM
Hehe... Eto, medyo malinaw at straightforward. LOL

adonis_cs
08.09.24, 09:43 PM
hahahahah...ang gulo ng thread na ito...:)

kumintang
08.09.24, 09:47 PM
Hehe... Eto, medyo malinaw at straightforward. LOL

Bagong Filipino dialect yata iyan eh! LOL

czyre
08.09.24, 10:08 PM
Hehe... Eto, medyo malinaw at straightforward. LOL

ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO

silveryellow
08.09.25, 04:28 PM
Ahahaha malinaw na malinaw nga!:ecstatic: PANALO!!!:wow:


korek!
:P


---------






ano gagawin mo kapag nalaman mong niloloko ka ng taong mahal mo??



eh di wag kang maniwala, niloloko ka lang pala eh.

:D

czyre
08.09.26, 09:09 PM
Cell Phone Law

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2009 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to Globe and Smart Business Centers in SM branches and they wanted P2,500 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Ace Hardware.

These kits are compatiblewith any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him P2.50 each becausehe bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Nokia, Sony Ericsson and Samsung units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

LOL

silveryellow
08.09.29, 06:04 PM
eh eto....

:P

czyre
08.10.01, 06:18 AM
Ngayong umaga (6:00 am)

Ako: Do you have a COPY of our study guide?

Student ko: Oh I don't like coffee, I only drink tea.

Kumusta naman kung ganyan ang kausap mo araw-araw ng ke aga-aga????

Kuya G.
08.10.01, 09:59 PM
Ngayong umaga (6:00 am)

Ako: Do you have a COPY of our study guide?

Student ko: Oh I don't like coffee, I only drink tea.

Kumusta naman kung ganyan ang kausap mo araw-araw ng ke aga-aga????

Sana kinantahan mo na lang ng "Kopi kopi kopiko, kendi, kopi,kopiko" hehehe!:ecstatic:

poknat20
08.10.02, 03:35 PM
God made the world and..

.. The rest was made in China!

manoiskee
08.10.02, 03:52 PM
God made the world and..

.. The rest was made in China!

lolz, nice one...

well, oks lang naman na gawang china, wag lang haluan ng melanin, wahehehe...

holychef
08.10.02, 07:53 PM
lolz, nice one...

well, oks lang naman na gawang china, wag lang haluan ng melanin, wahehehe...

actually melamine po...melanin yun po yung nagbibigay kulay sa ating skin...haha

-------------------------------------------------

Anak: Nay, nay, anong meaning nung RIP sa nitso?

Ina: DUH!!!Anak naman..."Return If Possible"! Utak anak, utak!!!!

-------------------------------------------------

Ngayong maulan at maraming dumadaan na bagyo, kailangan tayong mag - ingat at maghanda. Kaya ako...pinatiklop ko na ang mga billboards ko...

haha

reagan
08.10.02, 09:26 PM
Hehe... eto pa... Da best talaga ang pinoy! LOL

Kuya G.
08.10.02, 10:26 PM
God made the world and..

.. The rest was made in China!

lolz, nice one...

well, oks lang naman na gawang china, wag lang haluan ng melanin, wahehehe...

actually melamine po...melanin yun po yung nagbibigay kulay sa ating skin...haha

-------------------------------------------------

Anak: Nay, nay, anong meaning nung RIP sa nitso?

Ina: DUH!!!Anak naman..."Return If Possible"! Utak anak, utak!!!!

-------------------------------------------------

Ngayong maulan at maraming dumadaan na bagyo, kailangan tayong mag - ingat at maghanda. Kaya ako...pinatiklop ko na ang mga billboards ko...

haha

Hehe... eto pa... Da best talaga ang pinoy! LOL


ANG SAYA-SAYA TALAGA DITO, BRAVO!!!!!:ecstatic:

prinze
08.10.02, 10:37 PM
Ang lupet ng thread na ito... pag walang ginagawa sa work, nagbabasa lang ako sa site na ito. nagugulat na lang yung mga office mate ko dahil tawa ako ng tawa... nakakatawa po talaga. ang lakas makatanggal ng stress... More please... hehehehe ROFLMAO

manoiskee
08.10.02, 11:38 PM
nyak! nga nuh, wahehehe...

silveryellow
08.10.03, 06:13 PM
"A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: "Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, 'Hesus and Company."


"We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor,
Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?"
Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"


"An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: "Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko...wala akong kasama..."


"I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din! It's the color
of the day!"


"A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I already changed yourmonthly period."

titopao
08.10.04, 04:41 PM
Sign of the times :P Found this one on the GMA website.

prinze
08.10.07, 12:03 AM
Hahahahaha.... Nababasa ko nga yan sa MRT-Taft Station... LOL
Kaya dapat malaki na ang tiyan pag bibili ng ticket... Hahahha

silveryellow
08.10.07, 03:26 AM
LOLHahahahaha.... Nababasa ko nga yan sa MRT-Taft Station...
Kaya dapat malaki na ang tiyan pag bibili ng ticket... Hahahha


Eh pano kung malaki ang tiyan pero lalaki??
Eh pano kung malaki ang tiyan na babae pero di naman buntis? Pano nila malalaman yon?
LOL

Cinderella
08.10.08, 02:54 PM
Kapag bilugan ang mukha mo, wag ka masyadong mag ngingiti...
baka mapagkamalan kang YAHOO MESSANGER! :)

czyre
08.10.09, 07:24 AM
ones i crush a girl from my alma mother who got my number so we could keep intact. sabi ko connect if i'm wrong, but are you asking me ouch? sabi niya, "the?! I mean, tell me to the marines ang kapal! the nerd!" naiyak ako because of hunger, i cried buckles of tears. tapos sabi niya, "don't cry! isipin mo nalang this is a blessing in the sky. irregardless of my feeling let's go ouch na rin." now we're in love. mute and epidemic na yung pass. thanks God we shallowed our fried!

Noseblood?

Buti nalang tama lahat ang spelling LOL

tiger shark
08.10.09, 01:40 PM
sali rin ako. Heto ang contibution ko:

Behind The Wheel

Light hearted attempts to characterise New Zealand drivers.

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: South Auckland
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: West Auckland.
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window cutting across lanes of traffic: North Shore.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot on and off accelerator. Wellington.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cellphone, brick on accelerator: Ponsonby.
• Both hands clamped on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Whangarei, but driving in Auckland.
• Both hands waving in air, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Parnell, Auckland.
• One hand on wine cooler, one knee on wheel, cradling ancient cellphone, foot on brake, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Titirangi, Auckland.
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, both feet alternating between accelerator and brake, all the while throwing McDonald’s bag out window: Hamilton, North Island
• Four-wheel-drive wagon shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, possum tails hanging on aerial: South Canterbury, South Island.
• Two hands on wheel, driver’s head barely visible above dashboard, doing 40km/h on the motorway in the right lane with the left blinker on: Howick. Auckland North Island

czyre
08.10.10, 03:58 PM
Isa pang bloopers...

Teacher: Do you have our TOPIC (topic from our study guide)?

Korean Student: Oh no no no, there was no TRAFFIC.

Teacher: ???

:cry: Dudugo na ilong ko Lord...

holychef
08.10.13, 07:19 PM
"Hindi lahat ng batang naka-bag ay nag-aaral..ang iba ay naglalakwatsa langs"

-dora the explorer

-------------------------------

MGA MAKABAGONG KASABIHAN

-Kapag maiksi ang kumot...mura lang
-Ang taong mainggitin...panget
-Behind the clouds...there are airplanes
-Pag may usok...baka nasa langit ka na
-Kapag ang ilog ay tahimik...walang nagsi-swimming
-An apple a day...makes the fruit vendor rich
-Papunta ka pa lang...ako rin sabay na tayo
-Huwag magbilang ng manok...kung duling'
-Ang iyong kakainin...nasa kaldero manggagaling
-Ang taong naglalakad ng mabagal...nagte-text
-Ang taong naglalakad ng mabagal...bagong tule
-Ang taong naglalakad nang mabagal...tumatakas

silveryellow
08.10.14, 03:44 PM
On Marriage: (fwdd email lang po, just thought of, err, sharing it before it sees the vitual trash :P, hehe, may disclaimer agad)

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

*****


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

*****


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

*****


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

*****


A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

*****


A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

*****


Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

*****


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

*****


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

*****


'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

ernanibaetiong
08.10.16, 07:51 AM
"Di ko pa naranasan magmahal"














....-fishball, 0.50 pa rin hanggang ngayon :D

yenzephyr
08.10.16, 09:03 AM
there are two kinds of people in a party:

those who wanted to go home and those who wanted to stay.

unfortunately, they are usually married to each other. har har

titopao
08.10.17, 09:33 AM
Eto, nakakaaliw pero the thing is it's not a joke...it's a news report on a medical research.

Ilabas n'yo na lahat ng lumang plaka n'yo ng Bee Gees ;)

"Stayin' Alive" Could Save Your Life (http://abs-cbnnews.com/classified-odd/10/16/08/disco-tune-%E2%80%98stayin-alive%E2%80%99-could-save-your-life)
Reuters | 10/17/2008 7:48 AM

WASHINGTON - US doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

CPR is a lifesaving technique involving chest compressions alone or with mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing. It is used in emergencies such as cardiac arrest in which a person's breathing or heartbeat has stopped.

CPR can triple survival rates, but some people are reluctant to do it in part because they are unsure about the proper rhythm for chest compressions. But research has shown many people do chest compressions too slowly during CPR.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed.

Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.

"The theme 'Stayin' Alive' is very appropriate for the situation," Matlock said in a telephone interview on Thursday. "Everybody's heard it at some point in their life. People know the song and can keep it in their head."

The findings will be presented this month at a meeting of the American College of Emergency Physicians in Chicago.

Kaya next time na may nakita kayong inatake sa puso at kailangang i-CPR...everybody, now..."Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive..." LOL

manoiskee
08.10.17, 11:07 AM
ROFLMAO
nice one titopao...

titopao
08.10.17, 11:09 AM
ROFLMAO
nice one titopao...

LOL Honga. Ngayon alam ko na kung ano isa pang item na kelangan ko sa first aid kit ko...isang MP3 player na merong "Stayin' Alive" LOL

manoiskee
08.10.17, 11:17 AM
bigla tuloy ako napa-search ng "staying alive"...

ROFLMAO

Kuya G.
08.10.19, 02:38 AM
bigla tuloy ako napa-search ng "staying alive"...

ROFLMAO

Hala manuel, isayaw mo na to keep you alive!

xavieristicology
08.10.21, 12:13 AM
stayin' alive? paano 'yung... "Alive, Alive, Alive forevermore..."?

titopao
08.10.21, 08:09 AM
stayin' alive? paano 'yung... "Alive, Alive, Alive forevermore..."?

Ang reasons nila for choosing "Stayin' Alive" was not because of the lyrics, but because of the tempo. To be precise, very close daw ang beat ng Stayin' Alive (103 bpm kung gagamitin mo ang metronome ng organ) sa average pulse ng human heartbeat (about 100 beats per minute). They were looking for a song fast enough (but not too fast) for CPR pumping; ang isnag problem nila noon was that paramedics do it too slow, kaya walang effect sa nire-revive.

Yun namang "Alive, alive, alive forever more...", sa pagkakatanda ko based on variuos recordings (like yung ginagamit ng El Shaddai), is something like 140-150 bpm (as in ganon kabilis). At 100bpm, it's too slow and too boring. Pero kung iaapply mo yung beat ng "Alive, alive..." sa CPR, I think baka sumobra ang bilis, it might do more harm than good ata (lahat ng mga doktor at nars dito, pakisabi kung may mali ako don :P )

xavieristicology
08.10.21, 08:55 AM
Yun namang "Alive, alive, alive forever more...", sa pagkakatanda ko based on variuos recordings (like yung ginagamit ng El Shaddai), is something like 140-150 bpm (as in ganon kabilis). At 100bpm, it's too slow and too boring. Pero kung iaapply mo yung beat ng "Alive, alive..." sa CPR, I think baka sumobra ang bilis, it might do more harm than good ata (lahat ng mga doktor at nars dito, pakisabi kung may mali ako don :P )

titopao ah, kabisado niyo pati tempo... haha, continue to make this thread stay(in') alive!

titopao
08.10.21, 09:18 AM
titopao ah, kabisado niyo pati tempo... haha, continue to make this thread stay(in') alive!

Hahaha...ginagawa ko na bang Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/) ang BP Onine?;)

Teka, I am a true-blue Wikipedian :P (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Titopao)

adonis_cs
08.10.21, 05:17 PM
sas hospital::)

misis: doc,kumusta na ang ROFLMAOROFLMAOlagay ng mister ko?
doc: misis,naghihingalo na po ang mister mo..
misis: bawi-in mo yun doc!di ko matatanggap yan..huhu..
doc: hehehe!.joke!joke!joke!..patay na pala mister mo..hehe:)

holychef
08.10.21, 09:03 PM
Sabi ng puso ko, mahal ko siya...Sabi ng utak ko, huwag, di tama...

O, baka naman yung atay, bituka, kidney at baga dyan gusto din magcomment...

------------------------------------

Maraming taong nagiging kaibigan na akala natin matino...loko - loko naman. Mahirap humanap ng tamang kaibigan pero mas mabuti yung katulad mo...ganap na SIRAULO pero tunay at totoo...haha

reksuyah
08.10.22, 05:43 PM
Get Along

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?!"

reksuyah
08.10.22, 05:46 PM
HEAVEN´S WAIT



There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I don't know, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the august presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord look at them solemnly and said, "I'll tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."

Well, five years went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they came before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and asked the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. Congratulations! This Saturday, at 2:00 PM, we will have wonderful ceremony in the main chapel and the reception will be on me!"

The wedding was perfect. All the guests thought the bride was beautiful, Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River delta, and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married only a few weeks, when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.

So, they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!"

ernanibaetiong
08.10.22, 08:43 PM
it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven

Hahaha love this one! ;D

bluemurdock
08.10.23, 01:26 AM
Eto, nakakaaliw pero the thing is it's not a joke...it's a news report on a medical research.

Ilabas n'yo na lahat ng lumang plaka n'yo ng Bee Gees ;)



Kaya next time na may nakita kayong inatake sa puso at kailangang i-CPR...everybody, now..."Ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive, staying alive..." LOL

OMG! this is hilarious! LOL.. napaisip ako.. tama nga ito para maging tama ang speed of compressions per minute duting CPR..

xavieristicology
08.10.23, 09:27 AM
interview ng mga ikakasal:

Groom (to be): Father, magkano po ido-donate ko sa church?

Pari: Siyempre, kung gaano kaganda ng mapapangasawa mo, ganun din ang dapat na ibigay mo sa ating simbahan...

Nagbigay ng P5.00 ang groom. Nagulat ang Pari.

Tinignan ng Pari ang Bride, sinuklian niya ng P4.00 ang groom.

yenzephyr
08.10.23, 10:33 AM
Graduation Speech ni Bebang:

A fleasance afternoon to all, to me, to you, we, they and everyone. Tonayt I am graduation, and I'm froud of me. I invitation you all to eat our house because I know someday that I will eat your house too. I will die ten chickens, seven girls and three boys to eat you all and I ask my fader to cooky my mader. I'm suring you will cam because I'm graduation. Thank you!

(Pahid pahid ng dugo sa ilong! ahehehe nosebleed noh)

xavieristicology
08.10.23, 11:15 AM
Paki-translate sa English:

"Pang-ilan si Presidente Quezon sa mga naging Presidente ng Pilipinas?"

bluemurdock
08.10.23, 11:22 AM
Paki-translate sa English:

"Pang-ilan si Presidente Quezon sa mga naging Presidente ng Pilipinas?"

napaisip ako dun! LOL... parang fill in the blanks ang dating eh..

xavieristicology
08.10.23, 11:24 AM
napaisip ako dun! LOL... parang fill in the blanks ang dating eh..

hehe, hindi ko din kasi alam, kaya ko pinapa-translate...

bluemurdock
08.10.23, 11:44 AM
Paki-translate sa English:

"Pang-ilan si Presidente Quezon sa mga naging Presidente ng Pilipinas?"


What is the Ordinal number of Manuel L. Quezon as Philippine President.. (tama ba?) nyahahha

xavieristicology
08.10.23, 11:46 AM
What is the Ordinal number of Manuel L. Quezon as Philippine President.. (tama ba?) nyahahha

pwede na ito siguro, baka mamaya i-lock itong thread...

titopao
08.10.23, 11:47 AM
How about:

What order is Pres. Quezon among the Presidents of the Philippines?

;)

xavieristicology
08.10.23, 11:51 AM
How about:

What order is Pres. Quezon among the Presidents of the Philippines?

;)

kala ko walking encyclopedia kayo, walking word translator din pala... galing niyo talaga titopao...

prinze
08.10.23, 12:39 PM
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.'



I'm voting for the Pilot. hehehehehe. LOL

---

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President GMA's clock?" asked the man.
"GMA's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

hehehehe.. peace.

Jon2
08.10.23, 04:00 PM
Got this from Inquirer Libre.

Usapan ng mga matatanda.

Lolo: Ano last name ni "Anchor"?
Lola: Ano?
Lolo: Eh di "Tis". Anchor Tis!

Hindi nagpatalo si Lola.

Lola: Eh, ano naman first name ni "Nemo"?
Lolo: Ano?
Lola" E di "Anchor"! Anchor Nemo!

silveryellow
08.10.24, 12:25 PM
says one free email provider set in Tagalog:

Nakararanas kami ng panteknikal na mga paghihirap na maaaring mag-iwas sa iyong mga _____ sa pagpapadala
ROFLMAO
ROFLMAO

yenzephyr
08.10.24, 03:02 PM
Lola" E di "Anchor"! Anchor Nemo!

haha, naaliw ako don!

Nagkabungguan...

<tugsh!>

Girl: Aray! Bulag ka ba?!

Boy: Pano ako magiging bulag... eh may pagtingin nga ako sayo.

nyahahaha

angelo_a
08.10.24, 03:21 PM
napaisip ako dun! LOL... parang fill in the blanks ang dating eh..

Among the Philippine Presidents, what is President Quezon's ordinal rank?

(shrug...it was discussed sa class namin pero I forgot hehehe)

xavieristicology
08.10.25, 11:54 AM
Nanay (Nagsilang ng pangit na baby...)

Nanay: Pa, kayamanan natin ang batang ito...

Tatay: Oo nga, ibaon natin!

angelo_a
08.10.26, 06:16 AM
Kawawang bata. ;D

Nanay (Nagsilang ng pangit na baby...)

Nanay: Pa, kayamanan natin ang batang ito...

Tatay: Oo nga, ibaon natin!

ernanibaetiong
08.10.28, 10:07 PM
Eat flush to my nose tree time is for the bay dead by too...

equals 14!


uy, uulitin nya yan..hehe..



-got this one from sms:P

silveryellow
08.10.31, 06:29 AM
Napapanahon: :P

The boy cannibal came home from school one day and said to his mother, "I hate my brother's guts." "Okay," said his mother, "I won't put them in your sandwiches again."
***

First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper!
***

One cannibal to another: Your wife makes a great soup. Second cannibal: Yes! But I'm going to miss her terribly.
***

Two cannibals are having dinner. One says to the other "I don't like your friend." The other replies, "Well, set him aside and just eat the vegetables."

montaro
08.10.31, 01:40 PM
Sa Student Assistant's gathering
Kinukunan ni SA 1 si SA 2 at walang kamalay-malay si SA 2.
Sabi ni SA 3, Uy, hidden shot!
ROFLMAO

yenzephyr
08.10.31, 02:54 PM
=TRIVIA=

Did you know that "UNDAS" means "lungkot noh?"

kase pag binaliktad mo yun... "SADNU"

oh devah, happy halloween!

silveryellow
08.11.01, 11:26 AM
Isang araw, matagal na nakatitig si Piglet kay Winnie the Pooh:

Pooh: Bakit ganyan ka makatitig sa akin??

Piglet: Ang taba mo kasi! Dapat ikaw si Piglet eh.
LOL

czyre
08.11.02, 07:14 PM
Anong hayop ang di nalalaos?




Eh di... BEAR!




Bakit?




Kasi OSO siya eh!

Nyahahaha... Ang corny pero natatawa ako.LOL

yenzephyr
08.11.03, 12:31 PM
Kung nakukulitan ka na sa mga saleslady na nagtatanong ng "Ano pong hanap nila?",

sumagot ka:

"Kapayapaan at Pagkakaisa."


Try mo, windang sa'yo mga yun!

World Peace!

louie
08.11.03, 12:37 PM
Anong hayop ang di nalalaos?




Eh di... BEAR!




Bakit?




Kasi OSO siya eh!

Nyahahaha... Ang corny pero natatawa ako.LOL

ayos to czyre_czyre ha...hehehe..

bajo
08.11.03, 12:49 PM
yan ang nilalagay ko kapag may "wish list" pag may exchange gift kami sa office.

Kung nakukulitan ka na sa mga saleslady na nagtatanong ng "Ano pong hanap nila?",

sumagot ka:

"Kapayapaan at Pagkakaisa."


Try mo, windang sa'yo mga yun!

World Peace!

silveryellow
08.11.04, 05:36 PM
Two zoology students were conducting an experiment with a hapless spider. They wanted to see what would happen if they cut off its eight legs, two at a time. So they did. They cut off the first two and said, “Walk!” and the spider did. They did the same until only two legs remained, each time ordering the spider to walk. And walk the spider did. When the last legs were removed, they asked it to walk and it didn’t. They shouted at the spider to walk, but it didn’t budge. So they concluded that when all the eight legs were cut off, the spider turned deaf!
LOL

ernanibaetiong
08.11.04, 08:41 PM
the spider turned deaf!
LOL


Ahehehe, love this one :D

nivlem0199
08.11.04, 08:56 PM
haha katuwa jokes dito! :D

czyre
08.11.05, 06:14 AM
I called my Korean student in his office...

ME: Hi, is Mr. Lee there?

GUY ON THE LINE: (Eto exact words niya) Oh, I'm sorry but I do not speak English! Uhm... Mr. Lee is not here now, he's on a vacation...

ME: :O

(English naman yun d ba?? ???)

silveryellow
08.11.06, 08:31 AM
Message on my computer says, "Backup not found, choose: (A)bort, (R)etry, (M)assive panic attack?"

titopao
08.11.06, 08:51 AM
Di ko alam kung uso pa ito sa mga computers ngayon, but there was a time na kapag naka-disconnect yung keyboard mo, you'll see a message that says (I think nakita ko pa ito sa mga computers sa CC ko dati):

Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.

Go figure :P

silveryellow
08.11.12, 07:51 AM
Parishioner: That was a fine sermon.
Priest: Yes, but the audience was full of idiots.
Parishioner: Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?
LOL

czyre
08.11.12, 09:31 PM
again...

bida mga (korean) students ko...

"come down on me, i'll show you what a real man is!" :terrified:

pero hindi 'to bastos promise!!!

tagalog translation "Magkita tayo, ipapakita ko sa'yo na di ako tulad ng ibang lalake!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

isa pa...

"my son's mouth smells like foot!"

in other words: "bad breath" (ahaha... kaya magtoothbrush lagi!)

royal haggardness
08.11.13, 04:14 AM
The Top 20 Signs That You're Watching A Pinoy Movie

1. Sasayaw sa likod ng puno ng buko pag nasa beach yung scene. Alternate pa yung mga ulo nila.

2. Yung kontrabida yayakap sa bida, sabay taas ng kilay at ngingisi.

3. Ang pancit, nagdadala ng malas. Uuwi ang bida na may dalang pancit sa kanyang nanay na si Anita Linda. Tatawagin nito ang mga bata para kumain, at kakamustahin ng bida ang pag-aaral habang kumakain ng pancit. Biglang may titigil na sasakyan sa harap ng bahay at pauulanan ng baril ang pamilya! Mamamatay si Anita Linda, at sisigaw ang bida ng "Inaaay!" at mangangakong ipaghihiganti ito. Moral lesson: Ang pancit, nakakamatay.

4. Pag may magkaribal na babae, yung mabait diretcho ang buhok at may bangs. Yung salbahe, laging kulot.

5. Sa pinoy action movies, ang bida hindi nauubusan ng bala.

6. Sa pinoy action movies, kapag tumakbo ang bida, sa lupa lahat ang tama ng bala ng kalaban.

7. Kapag may angry mob na pupunta sa bahaykubo ng manananggal, si Vangie Labalan ang laging lider.

8. Alam mong moment of truth na ng bida kapag sinabi na niya yung title ng pelikula.

9. Ang tawag ng kontrabida sa mga goons niya, "Mga bata."

10. Yung nakababatang kapatid ng bida habang naglalaro ng bola, mabibitawan at mapupunta sa gitna ng kalsada. Tapos may darating na sasakyan, tapos itutulak siya ng bida. Yung bida naman ang nasa gita ng kalsada. Biglang may sasakyang darating. Ang bida, ico-cross lang niya arms niya covering his face tapos sisigaw yung kapatd ng 'kuyaaa!'. Next scene nasa ospital na sila. Simula na ng drama.

11. Kapag bakbakan, hindi nasasaktan ang bida, pero umaaray siya pag ginagamot na siya ng leading lady, at kasunod na ang love scene.

12. Kapag may sinabi ng kontrabida ang masama niyang plano sa bida, ang sasabihin ng bida: "hayop ka!"

13. Ang bidang babae, pag katulong ang role, siguradong magiging anak ng amo niya sa ending.

14. Ang nanay ng mayaman laging may pamaypay na pangmayaman, at ang nanay ng mahirap laging naka duster.

15. Ang hideout ng kontrabida, parating mansion na may chicks sa pool.

16. Ang mga bida sa drama, pag nakatanggap ng masamang balita, laging may pinto sa likod nila para puwede silang sumandal habang nagsa-slide dahan-dahan pababa, tapos todo iyak with matching uhog.

17. Pag di nahuli ng mga goons ang bida, sasabihin ng boss sa kanila, "Mga inutil!"

18. Laging nakakapulot ng baril na may bala ang bida kapag kinakailangan niya.

19. Laging mas maganda ang yayang bida kesa sa kontrabidang anak ng amo niya.

20. Pag ang ending ng movie ay song and dance number sa beach o resort, ang huling frame, tatalon ang buong cast…sabay freeze.

bingo
08.11.13, 03:18 PM
The Top 20 Signs That You're Watching A Pinoy Movie...

9. Ang tawag ng kontrabida sa mga goons niya, "Mga bata."



pag foreign movie ang tawag ng kontrbida sa mga goons niya, "Children.":)

Jon2
08.11.14, 12:08 AM
Lolo: Nung araw sa SM kapag may P20 ako, pag-uwi meron na ako polo, t-shirt, maong, brief, medyas at shades.

Apo: E ngayon po, Lo?

Lolo: Hirap ngayon. May kamera na kasi.

Alna_lou
08.11.14, 10:41 AM
Got this one from sms

It is a scientific fact that 1 out of 3 people is ugly,
tumingin ka sa kanan at tumingin ka sa kaliwa...
If they are good looking,
Kumusta ka naman? LOL

silveryellow
08.11.19, 06:04 PM
A hunchback comes home from work to see a wok on the table.
He says to his wife, "Did you cook Chinese food tonight?"
She says, "No, I just finished ironing your shirts."

sarra13
08.11.19, 06:11 PM
kinausap ko si cupid
sabi ko bakit hindi mo ibigay sa mga tao ang karapat dapat nilang mahalin at karapat dapat silang mahalin ..

Sagot niya:

o sige
ikaw na cupid ..
epal ka e LOL

silveryellow
08.11.28, 07:00 AM
Lighten up, peeps! ;)

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

jash12per
08.11.28, 04:21 PM
wahahahahaha!! hihihihi!! lol..

xavieristicology
08.12.02, 03:50 PM
nakalimutan ko na 'yung i-shi-share ko... hmp.

silveryellow
08.12.02, 05:21 PM
If ignorance is bliss... why aren't more people happy??

bingo
08.12.02, 07:35 PM
Let's learn French oui oui?
(learning a new language helps prevent alzheimer's)

1. TURN - le coup

2. LITER - le true

3. BEHIND - le coud

4. ALMS - le mousse

5. FIVE - le ma

6 . FLY - le pad

7. DID NOT TAKE A BATH - le bag

8. CONFUSED - le tou

9. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND - cou ma le wah

10. CITY - ce vou

11. DRUGS - sha vou

12. GOODBYE - va vou

13. MUSICAL BAND - com vou

14. BALD - cal vou

15. CAUGHT IN THE ACT - na vou coup, na coup!!

16. FEATHERS - valahe vou

17. UNCLEAR - ma la vou

18. SINK - lah va vou

19. COCONUT - vou coup

20. OPEN WIDE - vou camou

21. CIRCUMCISE - vou ratattoule

22. ALWAYS UP - va yagriah

23. WASHROOM - coup vaetta

24. JAIL - coup lou ngan

25. BUGER - cõup la ngõut

26. WOUNDS - va cõup cängh

27. BIG MOUTH - chez moussa

28. NAGGER - vou nga nguerrah

29. TADPOL - vou teiteh

30. JOSEPH ESTRADA - (hulaan nyo)

dwightrussel
08.12.02, 08:13 PM
isipin mo!
sa twilight mga sikat na teen star gamet...
si edward si joe jonas
si bella si vanessa hudgens
haha
ung kalaban na nakadreadlocks si corbin bleu
wala lgn wala ako magwa

yenzephyr
08.12.03, 10:46 AM
Ang galing ng pera ko!


Parang COKE...


Kung hindi SAKTO... ZERO!

anok17
08.12.04, 01:26 AM
First time ko magpost sa thread na 'to. hehehehehe..

i hope magustuhan n'yo 'to.. i got this from sms..




"parisukat ugat ng ekis sa kapangyarihan ng dalawang ekis.."


in english...


"square root of x to the power of 2x."


tapos? makakasurvive ba tayo kung tagalog ang math? hehehehe..:)

yenzephyr
08.12.04, 10:08 AM
One day a guy said this to a girl, "Pwede bang tabi tayo pag may exam?"

She asked him, "Why? Kopya ka?"

He said, "Kase I feel perfect when I'm beside you."

silveryellow
08.12.05, 09:49 AM
Another one.
Happy weekend! ;)

1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

2. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

3. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

4. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

5. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

7. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

8. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

9. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

10. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

recoletomusic
08.12.08, 01:00 PM
May bagong salta sa America na gustong mag-long distance sa Pilipinas.
Pinindot niya ang '0' para sa Operator.

Operator: AT&T. How may I help you?

Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.

Operator: Name of the party you're calling?

Pinoy: Aybegyurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?

Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.

Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.

Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?

Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali. Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io and o as in o.

Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.

Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in Airport agen, N as in... Enemy, Q as in... Cuba, U as in... Europe, E as in...Important and L as in... Elephant.

Operator: A-che-che!!!

silveryellow
08.12.12, 07:48 AM
"I went into my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. She pushed me off my feet!"

LOL

silveryellow
08.12.17, 08:45 AM
What do you call a nun who’s into cross-country walking? A roamin' Catholic.

*****


What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.



:P

poknat20
08.12.19, 01:36 PM
Ito pa isa..

Dalawang ahas naguusap..

ahas1: (kinakabahan) Pre, makamandag ba tayo?

ahas2: Ha? Baket mo naman natanong?

ahas1: nakagat ko kasi dila ko e..

yenzephyr
08.12.19, 02:55 PM
Q: Ano ang ayaw ni Goldilocks na ilagay sa kanyang buhok?

A: Eh di Red Ribbon!

silveryellow
08.12.20, 05:50 PM
A blind man enters a shop with a guide dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it in the air. A salesgirl asks, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," he says. "Just looking." LOL

czyre
08.12.22, 08:11 AM
A friend went to cellphone shop to have is phone fixed. He payed and got the receipt. Eto sabi sa receipt...

PORTA VAGA POSO NG BAGUIO


REFEAR FLICKS - P1500.00

What's funny ba kamo? Wala lang kasi ang Porta Vaga e nasa PUSO ng Baguio at ang binayaran ng kaibigan ko e REPAIR ng FLEX. LOL Nasobrahan sa regional defect.

silveryellow
08.12.23, 09:02 AM
Fortune cookie saying: Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
:P

silveryellow
09.01.07, 08:18 AM
Have a fun day! :D
*****


1. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

2. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...

3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

4. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

5. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
LOL

yenzephyr
09.01.08, 09:36 AM
If God let me choose between a billion pesos and the greatest friend in the world... I would rather choose the billion pesos! Tapos gimik tayo! That's what friends are for har har har

abcBakit pag commercial ng:

Palmolive, buhok ang ipinapakita;

Pag Medyas, paa ipinapakita;

Pag Colgate, ngipin;

.......bakit pag modess, ayaw ipakita?

Unfair di ba?

Unfair.

Unfairrrr...

abcRomantic Acronyms:

HOLLAND - hope our love lasts and never dies
ITALY - i trust and love you
LIBYA - love is beautiful, you also
CHINA - come here i need affection
INDIA - i nearly died in adoration
KENYA - keep everything nice yet admirable
JAPAN - jump and play all night

abcBF: Sigurado ka bang akin yang pinagbubuntis mo?

GF: Oo! Tatlo na ang tinanong ko! Hindi daw sa kanila! Ikaw na lang ang natitira kaya sigurading sa 'yo to!

abcNow that the festivities are over, it's good to pause for a moment, reflect in silence and ask:

"Lord, ano na kaya ang timbang ko?"

abcPagod na akong humawak ng balls mo!

Pagod na rin ako sa pagbihis-hubad mo sa akin!

Ayoko na!

-Christmas Tree

abcaabsent na ko sa lahat ng klase ko...


makapasok lang ako sa puso mo.

abcDahil sa kahirapan ng buhay, nasabi ng daga sa mga anak nya, "Mga anak, pasensya na kayo dito sa pagkain na dala ko. Alam nyo naman na mahirap pa tayo sa tao."



*hi yenzephyr, minerge ko yung mga posts mo. post padding na kasi. Also, please make use of the HR tag (http://www.bukaspalad.com/board/showthread.php?t=717) (click). I've also deleted some posts kasi pang "PG" na sya. Salamat! - jon2

czyre
09.01.12, 07:40 AM
Something's just not right... Hmmm... :)

yenzephyr
09.01.13, 01:03 PM
*hi yenzephyr, minerge ko yung mga posts mo. post padding na kasi. Also, please make use of the HR tag (http://www.bukaspalad.com/board/showthread.php?t=717) (click). I've also deleted some posts kasi pang "PG" na sya. Salamat! - jon2[/QUOTE]

sorry, sir... won't do it again.


"Ang pagkakaibigan....
anoman,
sinoman,
kailanman,
saanman,
batman,
superman,
suman,
gulaman,
palaman,
kahit unggoy ka man,
di ka makakalimutan."

titopao
09.01.15, 09:41 AM
Found this one while bloghopping. The original source can be found here (http://ihatewhatyoulove.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-hate-edward-cullen.html). In case you didn't know it, Edward Cullen is the lead male actor in the movie adaptation of "Twilight" :)


Edward Cullen and a Normal Guy....and PANDOY

A normal guy would say: “I love you Baby!”
Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”
PANDOY says: "I love you" - no s***, no decorations just the real deal.

Normal Guy would say: “I think I am falling for you.”
Edward Cullen would say: “The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb”
PANDOY says: "Lions will eat lambs, how 'bout lamb chops for dinner?"

Normal Guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!”
Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.”
PANDOY says: "Your hair looks like a haystack...where is the needle?"

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.
Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.
PANDOY will accuse and file a case against Edward Cullen for plagiarism.

If you die, a normal guy would find another.
If you die, Edward Cullen would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.
If you die, PANDOY will resurrect you, because he can.

As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”
As you leave the house Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”
As you leave the house, PANDOY would say: "Pasalubong!"

As you come back home, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice.
As you come back home, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.
As you come back home, PANDOY would be welcoming you with a threesome partner.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.
PANDOY will not make you breakfast, he will make you lunch because you will be too tired due to passionate lovemaking the night before and you will wake up at lunch time.

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.
PANDOY will be laughing and shouting "Edward Cullen is gay!"

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
PANDOY, will not drive because he is to fly to drive, he will be beside you at the backseat of his limousine. Stylin' and profilin' baby!

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half myself with you”
While far apart in different places, PANDOY would say: "webcam tayo mamaya 9pm ha?"

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.
PANDOY would take action and call mang kepweng to take them away.

A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.
PANDOY does it with he one who is with Edward Cullen when he is away.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.
PANDOY gives you 10 billion dollars.

jash12per
09.01.15, 10:03 AM
A friend went to cellphone shop to have is phone fixed. He payed and got the receipt. Eto sabi sa receipt...

PORTA VAGA POSO NG BAGUIO


REFEAR FLICKS - P1500.00

What's funny ba kamo? Wala lang kasi ang Porta Vaga e nasa PUSO ng Baguio at ang binayaran ng kaibigan ko e REPAIR ng FLEX. LOL Nasobrahan sa regional defect.


haha.. sino kaya un?

yenzephyr
09.01.16, 10:41 AM
Found this one while bloghopping. The original source can be found here (http://ihatewhatyoulove.blogspot.com/2009/01/i-hate-edward-cullen.html). In case you didn't know it, Edward Cullen is the lead male actor in the movie adaptation of "Twilight" :)

Edward Cullen and a Normal Guy....and PANDOY


haha... kulet ni pandoy! pakilala mo nga sakin yan, titopao. hehehe...

si edward cullen din ang gumanap na cedric diggory sa harry potter! :heart: :heart: :heart:

ABC

A girl was inlove with an ugly man. Her friends asked her "Why him?" Then the girl replied immediately, "Haler?! Di ba kayo nanunood ng Beauty and the Beast? Pu-pogi din sya"http://usimages.easyart.com/i/prints/rw/lg/1/8/Disney-Beauty-and-the-Beast-181891.jpg

The guy heard this and he said, "Mali! Hindi mo ba napanood yung Shrek? Papanget ka rin!" http://pub.tv2.no/multimedia/na/archive/00202/Shrek_202077x.jpg

kumintang
09.01.16, 11:36 AM
My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog: http://i369.photobucket.com/albums/oo134/kumintang/BPO%20Stuffs/doggy.jpg (click)

Koenji
09.01.21, 01:15 PM
Everybody seems to love cat but not Little Benny. See how he tried to get rid of it buuutttt ......

The Cat Came Back
rKmQr0EnZgs

Kuyakoe2
09.01.21, 09:20 PM
Hahaha ang saya naman po dito!LOL...

- - - -

Ito kaya...

Nagtalo ang mga hudyo at instik kung sino ang nauna sa mundo.
Hudyo: kami, dahil kami ang nagpaku kay Hesus sa krus!
Instik: aber, saan hardware kayo bili pako?

- - - - Joke lang po Lord!:)

ryanestandarte
09.01.22, 10:58 AM
GRADUATION SPEECH ni BEBANG:

A fleasant day 2 all, 2 me, you, we, they and everyone. 2nyt I am graduation, n I am fround of me. I invitation you all to eat my haus, bcoz I know somday u wil 8t my haus too. I wil die 10 chikens, 7 boys & 3 girls 2 eat u all & I wil ask my father to cook my mother. Im suring u wil com becoz Im graduation. many thanks u very so much!

ernanibaetiong
09.01.22, 11:01 AM
Hahaha ang galing, yung salita nya parang yung bida sa pelikulang ________, yung reporter na taga-Kazakhstan, hindi ko pwede i-post yung title kasi bastos pakinggan sa tagalog ROFLMAO

titopao
09.01.22, 11:24 AM
Prof. ernani, e di ang gawin mo, ipost mo ng kumpleto yung title ("Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"---which is even more outrageous :P

silveryellow
09.01.23, 08:13 AM
Huli man daw at magaling... undertime pa rin.
Pero....
Better late... than later!

:P

Happy weekend, everyone!

yenzephyr
09.01.23, 12:57 PM
Kamusta na ang nilalang na sumalo ng lahat ng suwerte at sex appeal na isinabog ng Maykapal? Taong may busilak na puso at malinis na isipan?

Eto okay naman ako!

silveryellow
09.01.27, 08:57 AM
Q: What did the supermodel say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

LOL

yenzephyr
09.01.27, 01:20 PM
A girl in a disco walks up to a man...

Girl: Marunong ka bang mag-swing?

Man: (maangas) Bakit? Mukha ba akong DI?!

Girl: Hinde. Mukha ka kasing unggoy!

ryanestandarte
09.02.01, 03:38 PM
I would like to dedicate this to all programmers like me.

Programmer's Pickup-lines:
"You are a field in my class. You will always be protected."

"Are you an exception? Let me catch you."

"You are my increment operator. You make my value increase."

"I think you're my compiler. My life wouldn't start without you."

"You are my initializer: without you, my life would point to nothing (null)."

"I am a BufferedReader. You input meaning into my life."

"You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do."

"You are the JDK (Java Development Kit) in my life. I won't compile without you."

"If I were a method, you must be my parameter, because I will always need you."

"Can you be my private variable? I want to be the only one with access to you."

"We are an aggregation of classes: one cannot exist without the other."

"public class YourWorld extends MyWorld"

"My love is a for loop without the increment operator-- infinitive, non-terminating, and difficult to stop once it starts running."

"Let me be the 'throws Exception' to your 'public static void main (String[] args)'. I will accept whatever you give me."

"[me != me]. [me += you]."

"You are my superclass: you define what I can do."

"You are the IDE of my life: I find it easier because of you."

"My main method is 'public love iLoveYou().' "

"I am the field attribute in your class: I can't exist unless you do."

"My love for you is a constant variable: unupdatable and unchangeable." HAHAHA

"Are you an applet? You make me feel all GUI (gooey) inside."

"You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you." ETO CHEESEBALL TALAGA.

"You are my methods. I am nothing without you."

"Are you my driver? Because you make my life worthwhile."

"You are my API. I want to know everything about you."

"Can you be my ActionListener? That way you notice everything that I do."

"I am a boolean method whose love will always return true."

"Buti pa ang Strings, nag-mamatch."

"Buti pa ang data type, may value."

"Buti pa ang Swing components, may Listeners."

"String myHeart = "I Love You";

String[] herWords = myHeart.split(" "); return null;"

"My love for you comes with no strings attached."

"Are you a double? The thought of you always floats inside my head."

"My love for you cannot be measured with an int, not with a long, and not even with an array. It is out of bounds and infinite.... "

"Di na tayo kailangang i-cast pa; magkatype na tayo, e..."

sarra13
09.02.02, 11:29 PM
a man killed a DEER and cooked but doesnt tell his kids wat it is ..

he gives a clue
" ganyan ang tawag sakin ng mama nyo .. "

the girl cries out :

" wag nyo kainin yan :devil: yan ..

hahaha ..

bingo
09.02.06, 10:05 PM
want to see your future baby?
click here>>> My Future Baby (http://yourfuturebaby.com/)












here's mine

sjclc
09.02.06, 10:28 PM
GRADUATION SPEECH ni BEBANG:

A fleasant day 2 all, 2 me, you, we, they and everyone. 2nyt I am graduation, n I am fround of me. I invitation you all to eat my haus, bcoz I know somday u wil 8t my haus too. I wil die 10 chikens, 7 boys & 3 girls 2 eat u all & I wil ask my father to cook my mother. Im suring u wil com becoz Im graduation. many thanks u very so much!

nice one!

If a guy falls off a plane and was theist he'd go, "God save me!", if agnostic "If there's a God, save me!" and finally an atheist would just say "F***"

yenzephyr
09.02.09, 12:57 PM
Nadukutan ako kanina huhuhuhu...




-Ilong

holychef
09.02.09, 09:50 PM
Ang tunay na "cute" ay wala sa mukha, sa anyo o sa porma, wala rin sa ngiti at sa ugali, dahil ito ay makikita sa AKIN LAMANG! I repeat: SA AKIN LAMANG!!!"

-------------------------

Gf:niloloko mo ako!

Bf:bakit?

Gf: Nakita kita sa SM may kasamang iba!

Bf:Tumigil ka! di kita niloloko, yung kasama ko sa SM ang niloloko ko!

Gf; Ah ganun ba!sorry naman. Love you!!!:)

-------------------------

It's so nice when your sleeping and someone touches your back very slowly, moving towards ur neck right very close to your ears and slowly whispers: "nakikiliti ka ba??.....ipis ako!"

titopao
09.02.11, 08:44 AM
Found this in the Inquirer (http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/inquirerheadlines/nation/view/20090202-186921/Drowned-in-mystery-and-other-boo-boos) :P

PS. Yung author nito ay yung may-ari ng isang school na nagreklamo tungkol sa mga mali-maling nakasulat sa mga textbooks :)


* * *

‘Drowned in mystery’ and other boo-boos'
By Antonio Calipjo Go
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 05:32:00 02/02/2009

MANILA, Philippines—The following are among the more than 500 items of a similar nature that may be found in the just-released public school textbook (copyright 2008) in Reading for Grade 6 titled “English For You and Me,” written by Elodie A. Cada, published by Book Wise Publishing House Inc., and printed in Bangkok, Thailand:

• The airport is open to passengers only.
• Humans may turn blue when they cry.
• The engine of the tractor is sleeping now.
• Ms. Vera, please entertain this computer.
• Vietnam Nurse Contacts Bird Flu.
• To Heal Earth Yourself, Start with Your Cat.
• She lives in a place that is drowned in mystery.
• I got a butterfly with flower-designed wings.
• The Doña Aurora tree had yellowish-white flowers which were as wide as an open hand, and smelled fragrant as her mother’s perfume.
• Can we take care of the bird at home? Just like in a rehabilitation center!
• These pants didn’t cost much because they are uneven.
• Comfortable means having the comfort.
• The cat’s whiskers make it different from other animals.
• I trust you so much. I even told you not to enter my room.
• Propped: it stuck and supported very well.
• Delicately: done with fragility.
• Propped: sticked.
• They were discussing what will happen if the moon bounced back to the earth.
• Heroes helped in the forming of our nation.

Tausugs, Badjaos

• The Tausugs, who live in Jolo, are described as warlike people but most are friendly, peaceful and hospitable. They are completely attired only when they sport weapons around their waists. They believe in black magic, sorcery, voodoo and love potions. The Koran, their Bible, forbids the eating of dead meat.
• The Badjaos are mostly found along the Coast of Jolo, Subuti, Sitangkal, Tawi-Tawi islands in Mindanao. They are regarded as cultured because they are hardworking and peace-loving.
• People are active individuals. Sometimes, even while sleeping, they make actions through dreams. Cartoon characters are taken from dreams of the cartoonists. Dreaming is a mysterious act. Dreams may be a source of income. Some dreams make the world go round, open the realities of life or transmit the problems of people.
• The show’s plot and the characters’ acting prowess are spontaneous in giving us a distinct TV program.
• Next week, he’ll be out in the hospital. Bobby felt happy with magical feeling.
• The grass seems to wink at me. The leaves bow down their heads.
• The baby’s existence added to the full essence of their lives’ happiness.
• Do you feel like you’re a newborn today? The earth has come of age giving us time to be born.
• He’s or she’s worried about his/her future. He’s or she’s not sure about the meaning of his/her life.

Life as a game
• Hold and behold the essence of bright days. Everybody must be ready to live every day. Everybody sees life as a game.
• Still, life is going on. You continue to breathe and sigh. You keep on walking and living. You think and sleep for days.
• Yet life will continue to pour the best. There are people who stare.
• Compose your own prayer, patterned after the flow of your life.
• Oh God, guide me to take risks in order to live by your example.
• The students busied themselves drinking thirstily.
• Copy the sentences that denote the events happened in the story.
• Their neighbors muttered out loud how lucky their parents were.

Chief of the rafts
• A ferryman worked hard as the transport chief of the rafts.
• My grandfather is tall for a Korean and my mother got her almost perfect stature from him.
• The people observed keenly the pulsating chest of the animal hiding in the bushes.
• There are animals that sacrifice their lives for people, bring peace to the world or create color and harmony to humankind. You can hear animals talk like, “Don’t get our furs, please!” People cried out loud to stop hurting the animals.
• Execute a debate regarding “Should people use animal skins?”
• Cathy is the richest among the whole sixth grade—she’s been saving since she’s three.
• My folks are believed to be the genius of the century. Their peculiarity made them the most popular people on earth.
• They voted our Math teacher as the most desirable.
• The authorities were intimately bonded with the constituents because of the humanitarian project.
• Conscience (sense of right and wrong, sense of belongingness, being troubled).

Warning to security
• The coming plague of locusts was a warning to people’s security.
• He lifted his soul because of loneliness.
• Choose a partner as well as the kind of music you feel comfortable with to move in rhythm with, and presto! you are now dancing. Dancing in groups is a kind of bonding among the dancers.
• If you were to assess your family’s assets, how much do you think would your worth be?
• Did you explain the conflict in a very understandable way? Did you write in the first person using point of view using the pronouns I and We?
• At my age, swooning to Martin Nievera is far from my age level.
• A stain-smooth piece of driftwood.
• The janitress tried to clean the spume of the water underneath the tree.
• There are times that there are invisible elements in the air.

Atmosphere in poem
• Put a check before the sentence with details that tell the atmosphere in the poem is truly very silent.
• Invisible like butterflies.
• What does “The gentle drop of rain on the ground” mean? Explain.
• Give importance of a person’s right to choose one’s profession.
• Create an atmosphere of family solidarity to the readers.
• “He’s not here!” Miss Racelis told at them. She told them to go out the room.
• He should be given total attention from everybody to make him feel important.
• What use is medicine when it’s but for the rich … sell, sell, sell. What is the use of discoveries if one engorges in its success … full of greed and the kind?
• The agreement to cease the war was followed.
• Media people are afraid that information may be churned by the leftists.
• How does light come at dawn? Do we appreciate the coming of the dawn? Why?
• The world crumbles when poverty and hunger are felt by the people.

Child for once
• “Join other children. You’ll only be a child for once.” At the end, he realized the joy of playing with his classmates.
• They submitted the partial results of the survey in the community. They sent the partial result and the rest will follow.
• Using the Venn diagram, compare the character traits of Rolly with other children.
• “Abracadabra, sssh! Boom! Make some magic for me! Abracadabra, sssh! Boom!” Bobby shouted. He ran to his uncle. “Looked here, Uncle,” he said. His uncle looked like an invisible man.
• Some patients wiggle their heads to signal that they feel something.
• “Will you work abroad, Kuya?” asked Henry with tears suddenly swelling in his eyes. “Where are you going? Why did I feel lonely at once, Kuya?” Henry sat with his hands on his jaws.
• Mr. Reyes carried his suitcase together with his son who was holding onto his neck tightly.
• The turtles squirm independently.
• “Okay, you want always to be alone; that’s bad. Learn to talk to us. You’re like a mute person!”
• Even the birds laughed at him!

bingo
09.02.11, 03:24 PM
somebody emailed this to me...
share ko lang po:

Iba ang PINOY!!!!!
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,"
he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??
"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?
A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.


Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?
A. Cory can`t tell a lie
Gloria can`t tell the truth
Erap can`t tell the difference


REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "


bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabin i?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE.... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?

Erap to Cardinal Rosales: Cards, hangga ngayon galit pa ang simbahan sa akin. This is unfair!
Cardinal Rosales: Bakit mo naman nasabi yan, Erap?
Erap: Tignan 'nyo Cards, mayroong sabado de GLORIA, mayroong Sagrado de CORAZON at mayroon ding Linggo de RAMOS, Bakit ako wala? Naging presidente din naman ako, ah.
Cardinal Rosales: O sige na nga, Erap. Para wala kanang reklamo mula ngayon sa iyo na iyang
ASH Wednesday!


please do not take this seriously!hehehe

yenzephyr
09.02.13, 09:46 AM
Two kids talking:

RICH KID: Sometimes, if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most of the times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Although we can't have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

POOR KID: Ang damot mo! Pahiram lang ng PSP, eh! Dami mo pang sinasabi!

ryanestandarte
09.02.13, 10:20 AM
Got this from an email today...

February 13, before Valentine's day, come to work wearing your heart on your sleeve...

Wear GRAY if you are NOT INTERESTED IN RELATIONSHIPS/COMMITMENTS

Wear RED if you are COMMITED AND HAPPY

Wear BROWN if you are COMMITTED BUT YOU WANT OUT

Wear BLUE if you are IN LOVE WITH YOUR FRIEND/LIKE SOMEONE IN THE OFFICE

Wear YELLOW if you are DATING/INLOVE BUT NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP

Wear GREEN if you are in a 3RD PARTY RELATIONSHIP

Wear BLACK if you are BROKENHEARTED

Wear STRIPES if you have MORE THAN ONE RELATIONSHIP

Wear PINK if you are in SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP

Wear ORANGE if you DIDN'T HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP SINCE BIRTH


Joke….joke….joke…..not true. I got this from one of the girls here at work.

titopao
09.02.13, 10:32 AM
Honga, ryan...pano kung ang suot ko ay shirt na may malalaking stripes which has all the colors listed? LOL

Kuyakoe2
09.02.13, 03:56 PM
Bro ryanestandarte, maraming salamt sa iyong pagshare nito, now guided na lahat tayo for tomorrow. LOL

manoiskee
09.02.13, 04:22 PM
lolz, pagawa kaya ako ng ganyan titopao, pero siguro yung pink lang ang di ko kaya ipa-lagay, wahehehe...

titopao
09.02.13, 05:03 PM
@manoiskee: Di kaya mas masaya na pati yung pink kasama? Since lahat ng colors ay may katapat na "opposite", masarap mang-confuse ng ibang taong nakakaalam ng color coding (For example: red and gray) LOL

czyre
09.02.17, 12:20 PM
Nothing Works

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

titopao
09.02.18, 05:05 PM
Ano ang gagawin n'yo pag naiwan kayo ng eroplano ninyo?
a. maghanap ng ibang flight (pero sa mas late na oras) at umasang makakasakay din kaagad. In other words, "chance passenger";
b. kinabukasan na lang mag-book ng bagong flight...kaso, baka ma-delay ng ilang araw ang iyong pag-alis;

Or

c. gawin yung ginawa ng babae sa video na ito:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbVw7entkxg
xbVw7entkxg

Consider this as a...ahem...friendly reminder for everyone to behave themselves accordingly in public...especially if there's a cell phone camera around you ;)

(This video got tons of views on YouTube (http://abs-cbnnews.com/classified-odd/02/17/09/hk-womans-airport-hysterics-online-hit), btw ;) )

ryanestandarte
09.02.19, 02:08 PM
Sobrang laughtrip tito pao! Wahahaha!!! Nageskandalo pa! Wahahaha!!!

titopao
09.02.20, 09:29 AM
Eto malupit...apparently, kahit yung sakit updated na rin tungkol sa Internet :P

Source: http://www.forteantimes.com/strangedays/misc/1543/somnambulism-in-the-internet-age.html
A new form of somnambul­ism for the Internet age has been identified by doctors and reported in the latest edition of the medical journal Sleep Medicine. Sleep researchers from the University of Toledo, Ohio, reported the first ever case of someone using the Internet while asleep, even sending emails inviting people over for drinks and caviar.

The 44-year-old woman had gone to bed at about 10pm, but rose a couple of hours later, walked to the next room and sat down at her computer. She turned the machine on, conn­ected to the Internet and success­fully logged on with her user name and password, before composing three emails and sending them to friends. She only found out what she had done when one of them telephoned the next day to reply to the email and accept the invitation.

The mails themselves were perhaps not up to the woman’s waking standard; each was in a random mix of upper and lower case characters, badly formatted and containing odd expressions. One read: “Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4.pm. Bring wine and caviar only.” Another said simply: “What the…”

They even coined a name for it: zzz-mail :P hehehehehe

jocheben
09.02.22, 07:12 PM
lesson yan sa taong mahilig mag last minute..sayang, hindi natin maiintindihan kung anong sinabi ng babae hindi nakaabot sa kanyang flight..

silveryellow
09.02.23, 03:03 PM
Man to police: I found a dead cat -- someone threw it into my garden!
Cop: All right, come back in six weeks and if no one else has claimed it, you can keep it.

:P

czyre
09.02.24, 06:55 AM
From my boss... LOL





*czyre, I've deleted an item from your attachments. Di siya qualified to be posted here :) - jon2

yenzephyr
09.02.24, 12:27 PM
Makabagong kasabihan: Kagandahan edition
1 ) Para sa magaganda: "aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang papa."
2 ) Para sa gustong magpaganda/retokada : "kung gusto mong lumandi, tiisin mo ang hapdi"
3 ) Para sa mga feeling magaganda: "talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas ng mukha ng nagmamagandang inday"
4 ) Para sa mga walang ganda: "mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka-
chaka pa rin"

****
Words to live by ng mga bading (hehehe)
"Walang kaibi-kaibigan pag agawan na ng dyowa ang usapan"
"Sa hinaba-haba man ng prusisyon, bading din pala ang magiging
karelasyon."
"Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare"
"Aanhin mo ang guwapo, kung mas malandi pa sa iyo?"
"Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling dyowa, sa mga bath houses
naglipana."
"Matalino man daw ang bading, napeperahan pa rin."
****
***
T: Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman kung matanda na tayo?
S: 'Yung paggising mo, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran, matanda rin ang iyong katabi.
***
Symptoms of a CERTIFIED SINGLE:
· Mahilig kumain.
· Panalo ang social life. Alam lahat ng gimikan at mall sale.
· Hayok sa tulog.
· Gadget-addict.
· Sa cellphone, group message nang group message ng quotes.
· Ngumingiti kahit nag-iisa.
· Tumataba.
· Porma to the max.
· Mukhang happy kahit hindi naman talaga.
Symptoms of a CERTIFIED TAKEN:
· Walang pera.
· Mukhang ngarag at laspag.
· Kuripot.
· Blooming, kasi, kailangan para hindi iwan.
· Walang social life kundi dyowa niya.
· Boring kausap.

***
Mga PAMATAY na HIRIT
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY na REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"

****
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.

****
JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galling?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo.

Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?
Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain at
magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi, putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa.
Babae: Hah?! Hin di nga?!?
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na sya!

****
Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay gumaganda?
Mr: Oo naman.
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.

****
Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!
Dad: Bakit?
Son: Hin alikan ko po ang seatmate ko.
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap ba?
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh.

****
Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas!
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?!
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot ako kay misis eh.

****
Tatay: Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US .. Ito, nagpadala ng
picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod.
Nanay: Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom.

GREAT FACTS
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee
Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.
The human brain functions 24 hours/day, 365 days/year until you fall for someone…

****
BERTO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?
ROMY: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes. Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo

****
Guwapo nagtext: Luv, p load nman P100.
Bakla: Ok! (Nagmamadaling naghanap ng loading station).
Bakla: Narecieve mo na luv?
Guwapo: Hu u?

****
Always remember…No matter how bad you are…You are not totally useless.. You can always be….used as a BAD EXAMPLE! Inspiring! Hehe

****
Kagabi, sumakay ako sa jeep…lahat cla nakatingin skin…ang sama ng tingin Nla skin…cnubukan kong mag-abot ng bayad pro ndi nla tinangkang kunin ang bayad ko…bigla akong kinilabutan…hanggang sa my kumalabit na matanda sa akin at sinabing…."Arkilado namin ito.." hehehe

czyre
09.02.24, 12:38 PM
Wahahaha... LOL

Nice jokes Yen... I had a good laugh...

Jon2
09.02.24, 02:34 PM
Boy1: Tsong, ano password mo sa Friendster?

Boy2: MickeyMouseDonaldDuckMinnieMouse

Boy1: Oh? Bakit ang haba naman?

Boy2: Ano ka ba?! Kulang pa nga e!

Boy1: Huh?!

Boy2: Kasi nga di ba minimum of 4 characters?
abc
Guro: Mga bata, gayahin ninyo ang mga langgam. Puro sila trabaho. Hindi sila naglalakwatsa.

Pedro: Oh? Kalokohan po! Nung namasyal kami sa Luneta e andun din sila.

titopao
09.02.25, 09:59 AM
Kadalasan, ang preso, gustong lumabas o dili kaya'y tumakas ng kulungan. Not this one, though :P


Jobless ex-con asks for more prison time (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090224/od_nm/us_freemeals_odd)
Tue Feb 24, 12:46 pm ET

TAIPEI (Reuters) – A jobless Taiwan man released from prison two years ago asked police to send him back so he could eat, police and local media said Tuesday, a grim sign of hard economic times on the island.

When police found the 45-year-old convicted arsonist lying on a street in a popular Taipei shopping district, he requested a return to life behind bars, nostalgic for the 10 years he had already served, the China Post newspaper reported.

Wang had also contacted police separately with his request, a spokesman said. Officers who found him bought him a boxed lunch but declined to send him back to prison, the police spokesman said.

"We advised him to keep looking for work," he said. "I don't know why he can't find a job. Maybe employers think he's not suitable or that he's too old."

Taiwan is in recession, with a slump in exports leading a record economic contraction in the fourth quarter of last year. Economists see more weakness through most of 2009, given falling demand for Taiwan's electronics goods in overseas markets.

(Reporting by Ralph Jennings in Taipei; Editing by Nick Macfie)

Naiimagine ko na yung sasabihin ng mamang ito pag pinagbigyan sya ng kapulisan. "I miss you, warden!! Kayo rin, mga kakosa, miss ko na rin kayo!!" :P

ryanestandarte
09.02.27, 03:35 PM
This one was emailed to me by my friend.

Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”
Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”
Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”

Pause.

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”
Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”
Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”
Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”
Customer: “Oh.”
Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”
Customer: “Why?”
Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”
Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”
Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”
Customer: “Ok.”

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.

Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”

Pause.

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

titopao
09.02.27, 04:02 PM
LOL Parang naaalala ko tuloy yung mga CSR days ko sa isang call center. I even had this conversation where the customer said "I want to buy a wife on <name of e-commerce website>" :P

Jon2
09.02.27, 05:15 PM
@ryanestandarte: And so the customer clicked cancel again. Lol! Ayos yan.
abc
And who says they're enemies? Mag-bestfriend kaya sila. Hehehe...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v475/Jon2/inappropriate.jpg

ryanestandarte
09.02.27, 05:27 PM
LOL Parang naaalala ko tuloy yung mga CSR days ko sa isang call center. I even had this conversation where the customer said "I want to buy a wife on <name of e-commerce website>" :P

LOL

That's new!

czyre
09.02.27, 09:45 PM
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

louie
09.02.28, 08:09 AM
from a text message...hehe...

A man visit his Chinese friend dying in the hospital.
Chinese says: "DITA GUAE YONG KHEE." and dies.

The man goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words:
"AMAW!AYAW TUMBI ANG OXYGEN."

ROFLMAO

ryanestandarte
09.02.28, 11:58 AM
Maldita ka ba?

-On the first day of the Mango sale, the sister of my friend was looking around and picked up a dress when a woman at the counter started screaming,”Put that down, that’s mine!” The sister of my friend looked up, looked at the woman up and down, raised an eyebrow, and replied, “Excuse me. You are NOT small’”

-A supervisor once told a worker who has difficulty in understanding instructions, “Ang ulo, hindi lang yan pinapatong sa leeg, ginagamit din yan sa pagiisip.”

-A friend told another friend, “Naku, magma-makeup muna ako, baka magmukha akong yaya mo.” The other friend replied, “Wag na, magmumukha ka lang yaya ko na naka-makeup.”

-I told my then boyfriend during a fight, “Even on your smartest day, you’re not half as smart as I am on my dumbest!”

-“Ako, I was born beautiful. Ikaw, you were just born.”

-A letter posted on a car windshield in UP: “Sir/madam, the parking space that we have reserved is for the College Secretary, not for you. Guard.”

-When I saw friend I haven’t seen in a long time, she told me, “Grabe, lalo ka pang tumaba!” So I told her, “Ikaw din, lalo ka pang pumangit!”

-Pag sinisingitan ako sa pila, nagpaparinig ako. I say, “Ang pilang ito, according to beauty. Mga panget muna.”

-From the movie She’s The Man: “Girls with an ass like mine don’t go out with boys with a face like yours.”

-“Maliban sa mukha mo, ano pang problema mo?”

-I once told an officemate who kept on bragging about her new shoes, “ Sale , right?”

-I pointed a “7 items or less” sign to a clueless pasosyal at the supermarket. She bitchily answered, “I can read!” Sabay irap. So I shot back with, “I know, but can you count?”

-“Tuwing nakikita kita, gusto ko mag-sorry sa eyes ko.”

-“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be bitchy. It’s an involuntary reaction whenever I encounter ugly people.”

-Man: “Hey baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not enter.”

-Man: “how do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”

-After receiving her pay slip and realizng how much she’s paying for tax, a sosyal officemate exclaimed, “Ang mga poor ba nagbabayad din ng tax?”

-During a hike at Mt. Mayon , we had a maarte companion. When we ran out of water, our guide got us some from a ntural spring. The maarte girl said, “Dini-drink ba yan?” I told her, “Bakit, sa inyo ba ang water chinu-chew?”

-Overheard from 2 kids talking.
Kid 1: “Lahat tayo galing kay Adam and Eve.”
Kid 2: “Hindi yan totoo. Sabi ng papa ko, galing tayo sa unggoy.”
Kid 1: “Hindi natin pinag-uusapn ang pamilya mo, kaya wag kang magulo!”

-A friend told his officemate: “I’m impressed. I’ve never encountered such a small mind inside such a big head before.”

-Bading: (envying a girl na crush ng crush nya) “Isang butas lang ang lamang mo sa kin!”

-I was staring at an ugly bystander in their street. The ugly guy snapped, “Bakit ang sama mo makatingin?” I snapped back, “Eh bakit ang sama mo tignan?”

-A friend once told me, “Ang ganda mo!” I answered: “Thank you, sana ikaw rin…”

-I told this to an ex: “I must admit you brought religion to my life. I never believed in hell till I met you.”

-“When a cashier tells me she doesn’t have change, I say: “And…kaninong problema yun?”

-“Kung lahat ng tao galing sa unggoy, bakit ikaw, mukha kang kabayo?”

cybernard
09.03.01, 04:57 PM
"Pabilisan" Contest

3 sumali.

1. una tinawag Mr. Japan!
- pumunta tennis court, nagserve, after nun pumunta kabila then pinalo ang bola, then balik pinalo ulit. pabilis ng pabilis.

(palakpakan ang crowd shouting, "panalo na yan!!!)

2. tinawag naman... Mr. USA!
- kumuha baseball bat, siempre hinagis ang bola then pinalo ng ubod lakas.
lipad ng malayo ang bola, habang tinitignan palayo e biglang hinabol at sinalo.

(palakpakan ang crowd shouting, "mas panalo yan!!! ang galing)

3. tinawag naman... Mr. Philippines!
- nahihiyang lumapit ang isang ubod ng bagal lumakad na Pinoy. kasi nga bukod sa pilay eh putol pa isang kamay, at sa malas eh duling pa! ito ang kanyang nahihiyang sinabi.... "Wala po akong masabi sa mga katunggali ko, puro sila magagaling at mabibilis. Hangang-hanga po talaga ako". sabay palakpak ng ubod lakas. Plak! Plak! Plak! Plak! Plak! (as in palakpak talaga na the best gamit ang isang kamay)

ang crowd nagulat, sabay sigaw ANG GALING NG PINOY!!! hehehe!

cybernard
09.03.01, 05:15 PM
2 lasing na lasing na magkumpare naglalakad sa madilim na kalye habang akay-akay ang isa't-isa.

pare1: pare maniniwala ka ba kung sasabihin ko sayo na masyadong malinaw mata ko?

pare2: totoo pare?

pare1: totoo! katunayan nakikita mo ba yun 2 langgam sa ilaw nung poste? parehong babae yun.

pare2: wow! pare galing mo naman.

then lakad sila ulit. mejo malapit na sa kanto ng biglang natakot si pare2.

pare2: pare! umiba tayo ng daan may panganib.

pare1: ha! saan? wala naman ah!

pare2: sus! ayun o, 2 langgam na lalaki, ang sama makatingin sa atin.

Nyak! hehehe! Korni!

czyre
09.03.02, 09:23 AM
Payabangan ng 3 lalake tungkol sa dami ng brief na meron sila

Kenneth: Ako 5 ang brief ko pang-Monday hanggang Friday
Alex: Ah ako 7, pang-Monday to Sunday
Chris: Ang konti naman ng brief niyo, ako 12.
Kenneth: (Confused) Bakit 12?
Chris: Pang-January... February... March...

LOL

Eeeew...

cybernard
09.03.02, 10:25 AM
eto, eto, sagutin ninyo. ano ang tawag sa mabangong utot? hehehe! be back later.

jocheben
09.03.05, 08:51 AM
1. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life".The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't push me again !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. An elderly spinster woman died last month. She requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own
Mother?"

He answered "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday School teacher asked her class: "Why did Joseph and Mary take Jesus with them to Jerusalem.?"

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
Olds. After explaining the commandment "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created from of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,
"Johnny, what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

********** Remember: ***********

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!

czyre
09.03.05, 09:41 AM
Understanding Women


Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later). LOL

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

yenzephyr
09.03.05, 12:25 PM
Minsan sa buhay...


Ika'y nadapa,

naputikan,

naapakan ng iba.


Pero natuto ka ring

bumangon,

humarap sa lahat,

at sabihin:



Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye!!

Maliligo naman ako eh!

(--,)

ryanestandarte
09.03.06, 12:11 PM
How to control your emotions

This is a guide on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you, especially your "boss". The rules of practicing "ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya" :

#1
Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2
Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag-away sa inyo.

#3
Ang taong galit, 'bingi.' If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so, don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya.

#4
Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? because the Lord said when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who made your day bad are jewels, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5
Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, "I will grow mature," and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.

"The biggest inhibitor to change lies within ourselves and that nothing gets better until we change..."

czyre
09.03.06, 12:25 PM
Here's more...

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

titopao
09.03.10, 05:34 PM
Pasintabi po sa mga galit sa math, physics at kung ano-ano pang hard sciences :P hehehe




* * * * *

Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):

First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.

Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.

Third Law: You can't break even.



* * * * *

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.



* * * * *

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.



* * * * *

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question:

"What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.



* * * * *

Quote of the day:

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.



* * * * *


Another quote of the day:

The world is divided into 10 people: those who know binary number, and everyone else.



* * * * *

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK

1. I accidentally divided by zero (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Division by zero) and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeno's paradox]I couldn't actually reach it.[/url]
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fermat's last theorem).
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topology).
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_bottle), but this morning I couldn't find it.

yenzephyr
09.03.11, 09:13 AM
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"


hahaha! pot pot, panalo!

123

Pinoy pickup lines

1) Keyboard ka ba? Type kita e.

2) Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?

3) Para kang SM, you've got it all!

4) Para kang plema! Di ka kasi maalis sa dibdib ko!

5) May MMDA ba rito? Kasi nagkabanggaan puso natin!

6) Pwede ba kita maging sidecar? Single kasi ako eh…

7) Uy malala na yung sakit ko sa puso, dalawa na
lang options ko para gumaling, either ICU or U C me!

8 ) Are you a PS game? Because i hope you're not TEKKEN!

9) Alien ka ba? Kasi you're out of this world!

10) Yosi vendor ka ba? Kasi you give me HOPE and MORE!

holychef
09.03.13, 06:05 PM
Batang Babae: Ale pwede po bang magtanong?

Ale: Sige Ineng. Ano ba iyon?

Bata: San po ba papunta itong daan na ito?

Ale: Alam mo iha, sa tagal ko nang naninirahan dito....Hindi ko pa nakikitang umalis ang daan na iyan. :P

Paulus_Magnus
09.03.13, 06:22 PM
Ay panalo! LOL

Alexander
09.03.16, 05:16 AM
Dear friends,

I have just received an e-mail stating that the personal information in our passports are now available online due to the move for globalized screening of entries and exits of people in most, if not all countries.
These information have been accessed through the Schengen, American, Australian and Asian database.

It is scary that they are doing this now. It does not only invade our privacy, but exposes us to danger, if these information land on the wrong hands. The matter that gives me a fright is that there is no strict form of security to access the site. One only needs to type his name and country of citizenship and the passport's identification page displays. I myself tried to search and found my passport and was totally stunned to see it.

Please click below link:
http://www.scrolllock.nl/passport/

czyre
09.03.16, 07:18 AM
LOL

Kuya Alex!!! Kainez!

LOL

GewadVaddysal
09.03.17, 10:35 PM
Hi! I just became a part of this forum here and I would love to be a part of it. I love contributing to the community.
I can probably add some humour to start with. Here are some funny stories that I read somewhere.

A patient comes to a Dentist with a tooth pain.
Dentist : Two of you teeth are infected and we need to extract them.
Patient: How much will it cost?
Dentist: Seven hundred and fifty dollars for both.
Patient: What? Seven hundred and fifty dollars for 10 minutes of work?
Dentist: Well, if you like, I can pull them out slowly! http://www.westcoastpayday.com/payday-loans.gif (http://www.westcoastpayday.com)

Here is another one:

Husband and wife have just left their home for camping.
Wife: We should turn the car back! I forgot to turn off the gas stove and it might burn our appartment!
Husband: It's okay, the apartment will not burn, I forgot to turn off the shower.

The last one:

A trial is in progress in the court room.
Lawyer: Your Honour, if a person has 18 criminal records he is not a criminal.
Judge: Then who is he?
Lawyer: He is a Collector.

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.

Alexander
09.03.18, 05:53 AM
LOL

Kuya Alex!!! Kainez!

LOL

Bakit.... nakita mo ba ang passport mo dun? LOL

czyre
09.03.18, 07:23 AM
Ako naman kasi... napaka-curious LOL buti nalang mahilig ako sa monkeys LOL

:)

Ang mga taong hindi photogenic at di magawang maging maganda o gwapo sa picture...




laging suggestion:




Wacky! Dali wacky tayo!
LOL

ryanestandarte
09.03.18, 05:55 PM
Children of Israel!

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz alwaysdoin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

Jon2
09.03.19, 05:02 PM
HISTORY 101:
Judas: Anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
Peter: Wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.
abc
Anak: 'Nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
Nanay: Yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
Anak: Mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh.
Nanay: Bakit?
Anak: Ang dami niyong utos eh.
abc
May nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa.
Sabi niya, 'Kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?'
Sumagot ako, 'Mahal ka diyan?! Naiwan ako sa outing no?!'

yenzephyr
09.03.20, 01:09 PM
Ang babaeng hinugot sa aking tadyang: MARIAN

Ang babaeng sumipsip ng taba sa aking tadyang: VICKY BELO

Ang mga babaeng walang tadyang: SEXBOMB

Ang babaeng malaki ang tadyang: NADIA MONTENEGRO

Ang baklang nasa nguso ang tadyang: DIEGO

Ang babaeng mukhang tadyang: PATANI

Ang baklang bakat ang tadyang: BB GANDANGHARI

(peace)

bluemurdock
09.03.20, 08:57 PM
Batang Babae: Ale pwede po bang magtanong?

Ale: Sige Ineng. Ano ba iyon?

Bata: San po ba papunta itong daan na ito?

Ale: Alam mo iha, sa tagal ko nang naninirahan dito....Hindi ko pa nakikitang umalis ang daan na iyan. :P


adeek ang ale ah.. ahehe.. dapat na niyang tantanan ang rugby.. :D

holychef
09.03.20, 10:33 PM
Ang babaeng hinugot sa aking tadyang: MARIAN

Ang babaeng sumipsip ng taba sa aking tadyang: VICKY BELO

Ang mga babaeng walang tadyang: SEXBOMB

Ang babaeng malaki ang tadyang: NADIA MONTENEGRO

Ang baklang nasa nguso ang tadyang: DIEGO

Ang babaeng mukhang tadyang: PATANI

Ang baklang bakat ang tadyang: BB GANDANGHARI

(peace)

hala! eto benta talaga!!ROFLMAO

---------------------------------------
SUMMER JOB OPPORTUNITIES

Package 1:
- P5000/hour
- Enchanted Kingdom
- tagatulak ng Anchors Away
Package 2:
- P7000/day
- palengke
- tagalista ng noisy
Package 3:
- P800/min
- Star City
- Taga hila ng roller coaster
Package 4:
- P900/min
- Quezon Avenue
- ikaw ang humps
Package 5:
- P5000/hour
- PLDT
- ikaw ang dial tone
Package 6:
- P10000/hr
- Mall of Asia
- taga hawak ng globo

Ano??nakapili ka na ba??

bluemurdock
09.03.21, 08:37 PM
hala! eto benta talaga!!ROFLMAO

---------------------------------------
SUMMER JOB OPPORTUNITIES

Package 1:
- P5000/hour
- Enchanted Kingdom
- tagatulak ng Anchors Away
Package 2:
- P7000/day
- palengke
- tagalista ng noisy
Package 3:
- P800/min
- Star City
- Taga hila ng roller coaster
Package 4:
- P900/min
- Quezon Avenue
- ikaw ang humps
Package 5:
- P5000/hour
- PLDT
- ikaw ang dial tone
Package 6:
- P10000/hr
- Mall of Asia
- taga hawak ng globo

Ano??nakapili ka na ba??


Wala man lang hazard pay at benefits? hmpf..:belat:

LMacaranas
09.03.23, 03:36 PM
Medyo showbiz tayo ng konti....hehehe

The real reason behind the Pops-Jomari breakup Pops and Jomari


Concert Queen Pops Fernandez and Jomari Yllana have each confirmed their breakup but neither has spoken up about the real reason behind it, prompting rumors that money-related matters or a possible third party caused it.


But Good Times Manila learned from a source who personally witnessed the breakup that neither of those was the real reason.


According to the source, a waiter at a five-star hotel where the breakup became official, the couple had a "long and calm" discussion until they arrived at a mutual agreement to split up.


GTM asked the source to reconstruct the scene as well as the dialogue.


Disclaimer: GTM is not responsible for any creative or dramatic license the source might have added to the source material, like what ABS-CBN's anthology Maalaala Mo Kaya did.


The source's account follows:


Pops: ...what I'm just saying is, it's not right.
Jomari: Ano'ng ibig mo'ng sabihin? I already said it meant nothing.
Pops: It obviously meant something. You were both laughing like crazy.
Jomari: So what if we were? Usapang lalaki lang yun, babe.
Pops: Why won't you just tell me what you were talking about?
Jomari: Bakit? Dapat ko ba'ng ireport sa yo lahat ng conversations ko?
Pops: No naman. My point simply is I want to know.
Jomari: Why?
Pops: I don't know.
Jomari: See? You don't even know.
Pops: Pero why don't you just say it kasi? Nakakahiya ba?
Jomari: No. Nothing like that. Like I said, usapang lalaki lang yun.
Pops: Usapang lalaki. But we talk about stuff like that all the time, di ba? What's different here?
Jomari: We don't talk about that. Babe, just leave it. Please?
Pops: I don't want to.


Jomari: Why are you so curious?
Pops: Because you were laughing so hard and you were both looking at me!
Sino'ng hindi macu-curious?
Jomari: Shempre nandun ka sa loob. Sino pa'ng titingnan namin? Nobody else was inside the pet shop.
Pops: So what were you laughing about?
Jomari: Wala nga, babe e.
Pops: Was it about me?
Jomari: No!
Pops: It's about me yata e.
Jomari: I swear it's NOT.


Pops: I'm going to walk out.
Jomari: C'mon babe. Sit down.
Pops: Joms, if you don't tell me what you were talking about, I'm walking out now.
Jomari: You really want to know?
Pops: Yes!
Jomari: Okay. But before I say it, I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you.
Pops: Bakit my disclaimer pa?
Jomari: E kilala kita e. Basta just hear out the whole story first, okay?
Pops: Okay fine.


Jomari: Tito Dougs was saying kelangan nya nang janitor fish for his aquarium. To keep it clean.
Pops: Okay.
Jomari: And I said "Sa bahay namin hindi na kelangan ng janitor fish."
Pops: (quiet)
Jomari: Then he started laughing. Babe, why are you so quiet?
Pops: (quiet)
Jomari: Babe? When he started laughing, naki-join na lang ako. I don't know what he found funny.
Pops: (quiet)
Jomari: Babe? It had nothing to do with you, I swear. Babe?
Pops: (quiet)
Jomari: C'mon, babe? Sorry na please... You're so beautiful. Sinong mag-aakalang janitor fish ka?
Pops: Read. My. Lips. It's OVER! (walks out)
Jomari: (calls out) Babe! You're beautiful!
http://goodtimesmanila.com/2009/03/07/the-real-reason-behind-the-pops-jomari

-breakup!

titopao
09.03.26, 05:42 PM
Here's an original article by Vincent de Jesus, who wrote the music for "Zsa Zsa Zsaturnah Ze" (both the original musical and movie) and won an Urian for "Crying Ladies".

Please give credit where it's due and don't forget the link. That's why I selected just eight from the list, para ma-visit n'yo yung original post :)

* * * *

WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN IN PERSONAL PROFILES (http://vincedejesus.multiply.com/journal/item/62/WHAT_THINGS_REALLY_MEAN_IN_PERSONAL_PROFILES) (excerpts)

Reading website profiles is almost like being in a party. Some profiles, just like people, are instantly accommodating and warm. Some are honest and sometimes even lovable. Some are funny, witty and entertaining. There are sexy, kinky, horny profiles that dont leave much to the imagination. You have profiles that, after saying gazillions of words - dont say anything at all. But that’s okay I guess. Say what you want... it's your profile!

Here's something I wrote in my boredom --- a tribute to the beautiful profiles we create and the things we describe ourselves in our effort to catch somebody’s attention.

And I call it...WHAT THINGS REALLY MEAN IN PERSONAL SITES:[/COLOR]


5. I AM FUNNY = That fact that he has to say that he is funny is hilarious.

14. I AM THE LIFE OF THE PARTY = A Boyoyong party clown.

18. "WALA LANG" = Has a ten-word vocabulary which includes “cool”,“hi”,“wassup”, “he he”, “ha ha” and “tnx.” Longest word he can write is his name.

27. DIRETSO AKONG TAO = Has a very strong back. Drinks Anlene Gold regularly.

39. MACHO = Number one fan ng Hagibis at Village People. Sinusundan ang Masculados sa lahat ng mall tours nila. Wears Old Spice, uses Veto with anti-perspirant and of course… Brylcream. (Oh, alam niyo yon?)

43. HOMEBODY = Unemployed guy. A bum. Free-loader. Professional home-partner contestant in Eat Bulaga, Wowowee and Game Ka Na Ba.

51. SHY TYPE = No serious love since birth.

62. NATURE-LOVER = Very kind to nature… considering what nature has done to her.

ryanestandarte
09.04.01, 02:03 PM
MASHED POTATO

Sa Amerika, kumakain si Paquiao, Freddie Roach, at si Jinky sa isang restawran.

Roach: I suggest we first order potato or mashed potato as appetizer.
Jinky: Freddie, wats da dipirens bitwin potato and mashed potato?
Paquiao: Ang tanga mo talaga Jengke! Nakakahiya ka! Poteto lang at mas poteto di mu pa alam pagkakaiba. Itong table cloth pote 'to tong suot kong polo mas pote 'to.

JAPANESE RESTAURANT

Sa isang Japanese Restaurant

Freddie Roach: I'll order 1 Gyoza and 1 Tempura
Jinky: Ako naman Okonomiyaki with Wasabi
Manny: Bigyan mo ako ng Ta-KeHo-Me
Waiter: Sir, Take Home po basa dyan.

Paquiao SA STARBUCKS

Waiter: Decaf?
Manny: No! I want it in DeMug para mas madami!

SA DENTISTA

Manny: Doc, nagmamadali lang ako. Pwede bang wala ng papamanhid pagbunot ng ipin?
Dentista: Pwede. Pero masakit yun?
Manny: Ok lang Doc.
Dentista: Sana lahat ng pasyente ko ganyan katapang. Sige aling ngipin bubunutin?
Manny: Jingky! Yung bagang mo ba masakit?

ASSIGNMENT

Gumagawa ng assignment ang anak ni Manny.

Tay, sabi dito sa assignment ko ang tawag daw sa grupo ng mga ibon e flock of birds, at pag grupo naman ng mga isda e school of fish, tapos ang grupo ng wolves ay pack of wolves, ano daw naman po ang tawag sa group of dogs?
Manny: Ang tanga mo naman anak! Simpleng simple di mo masagot! Anu pa, e di ASOciation!

SHAMPOO

Habang naliligo si Manny.
Manny : Jinky! Bumili ka nga ng shampoo!
Jinky : Ano ka ba naman! Kakabili ko lang ng shampoo kanina?
Manny : Eh tanga ka pala! Basa na ang buhok ko eh For Dry Hair lang ito!!

DE LATA

Jingky: Manny, gusto kong kumain ng meatloaf. Bili naman tayo ng delata.
Manny: Ano ka ba Jengke! Mayaman na tayo wag ka na magtatagalog. Wag mong sabihing delata. Sabihin mo kang-guds!