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Koenji
04.11.28, 12:49 PM
Hi Guys :)

Sabi 'nga ng iba . . . "Our ministry doesn't have to be stressful" . . . oftentimes 'nga it's fun di ba? So share naman some of your choir jokes para lalo tayong sumaya. These are also helpful in order to break the ice or monotony when we give workshops or seminars about our ministry.

Here are some that we use. Hope you like it:

Pari: O ano kamusta na ang choir n'yo? Napapadasal ba ang mga nagsisimba kapag kumakanta kayo?

Choir member: Opo, father, sa katunayan nga kanina lang habang kumakanta kami'y naririnig kong nagdarasal 'yung katabi kong parishioner.

Pari: Ah mabuti naman kung gan'un. Ano naman ang pinagdarasal n'ya?

Choir member: Narinig ko, father sabi n'ya: "Lord, sana magpadala ka ng magaling na music director para sa choir namin dito."


Eto pa isa: Anong tawag sa choir na nag-aaway-away?
Sagot: Choir-rel (quarrel) ;)

Boeingman
04.12.24, 12:45 PM
Yan ang Pinoy!!!

Guys, have you heard about the story of the mag-ina here in the U.S.?

Anyway let me tell you the story of their life here in
Los Angeles.

Dalawa lang silang mag-ina dito sa Amerika at hinihintay nila ang pag dating ng pamilya nila. Pero unfortunately while they were waiting, the mother died.
The family in the Philippines wants their mom to be buried back home pero it was so expensive.

Pero dahil majority of the family wants it that way,
walang choice ang anak dito sa States kung hindi sundin ang mga nakakatanda sa kanya. Dahil nga very expensive, she decided to just remain in the
States and ship the coffin unaccompanied.

Ng dumating na sa Pilipinas ang kanilang ina, may
napansin ang pamilya na hindi maganda.
Ang mukha ng mother nila ay dikit na sa salamin ng coffin.

Sabi tuloy ng isa, "ay tignan mo yan, hindi sila
marunong mag asikaso ng patay sa Amerika".
To cut the story short, they prepared the coffin for
viewing. Pag bukas ng ibabaw ng coffin, may napansin
silang sulat sa baba ng dibdib ng kanilang mother.

Nangi-nginig na binukasan ng kanilang ama ang sulat at
binasa sa lahat ng taong naka-paligid. Ang nilalaman ng sulat ay ito:

Mahal Kong Itay At Mga Kapatid,

Pasyencia na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang ina sa
pag-uwi diyan sa Pilipinas sa dahilan na napaka-mahal ng pamasahe.
Ang gastos ko nga lang sa kanya ay mahigit sa libo. Ayoko ng isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, Sa likod ni nanay ay mayroon dalawangput apat na karnenorte, ang bag ay para kay Ate, at ang sapatos
ay para kay Kuya, ang mga choklate naman ay para sa mga bata. Bahala na kayo sa distribution.

taken from htttp://www.yehey.com/funpAGE


HMMM MERON LESSON ITONG JOKE NA TO' TRY TOO READ ... HEHEHNEO

NikNoK
04.12.24, 04:30 PM
heheh...!!! ok yun ah.. comeding-comedy!! ... natawa talaga me! :D

nawala tuloy yung pagod ko sa kakatawa! ;D ;D

thanks for sharing... nice one, francischoir!!! ;)

herald
04.12.28, 11:00 AM
Gustong gusto ko itong joke na ito, Classic na nga eh, marami na ngang inovations ito eh...Great!!!

Susunod si Dan na taga Bicol... kakatuwa din ito...bitinin ba?.. iniisp ko pa kasi yung buong kwento eh.. he he he

Koenji
04.12.29, 11:53 AM
Hi Guys :)

Nakakalungkot naman, balik na kami bukas sa Tokyo (sigh). Doon na kami sa magnu-New Year (yes!! hehehe).

Anyway, here's a corny joke na napapanahon:

Christmas season na at pwede nang umawit ng mga Christmas songs sa Misa. Ngunit meron pa ring nakakalusot. Pakiggan natin ang pag-uusap nina Pedro, ang Parish Choir Coordinator at si Juan, isa sa mga choir leaders.

Pedro: John, pinatawag kita kasi may mga parishioners na nag-complained . . . hindi raw liturgical ang Entrance at Resessional songs ninyo kanina. Alam mo namang hindi pwede ang kantang "Rudolf, the red-nosed reindeer".

Juan: Alam ko naman 'yun, Pete . . . kaya lang request lang n'ung bisitang pari natin na nagmisa sa slot namin.

Pedro: Baket sino ba 'yung bisitang pari natin?

Juan: Si Fr. Rudolf po. ;D

Pedro: Ganun ba? . . . Pero baket naman "Frosty, the Snowman" sa Recessional?

Juan: Eh, kasi 'yung kasama n'yang pari nag-concelebrate nag-request din . . . si Fr. Frosty naman. ;D


. . . Sabi sa inyo corny, eh. ;)

Boeingman
04.12.29, 06:20 PM
hmmm well.. try this joke ewan ko if this is an insult to those who have some speech defects. anyway take this joke as only a purely joke Wag nyong seryosohin....

Nabangga ang kotse

Isang Umaga sa Kalye, meron kotseng umaatras:

Driver: "Pare pakitingnan kung mababanga ako"
Taga-Sigaw: "Sige po ser!"
at ilang sandali na lang....

Taga-Sigaw : "KASYA! KASYA! KAAASSSYAAAA!"
... at bigla na lang bumanga yung kotse *blaagag*

Driver : "Nakupo keplos nabanga!"

Taga-Sigaw :"ANO KA BA NAMAN SABI NG ME PUNO NG KASYA EH!!! TRAS KA NG TRAS!!!"

Driver: napakamot ulo

Boeingman
04.12.29, 06:26 PM
Another joke hehe ito.. medyo nakakatawa talaga
Erap and Miriam

The most intelligent "presidentiable"

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

akoto
05.01.06, 12:25 PM
;D ang galing natawa ako sa badang huli...cool!! si erap tagala.... ask ko lang bat five pesos lang kay erap.... hahahha.... ok ha kuya francischoir :D ;D

herald
05.01.06, 02:25 PM
Ha ha ha!!, now we know kung sina mas intelihenteng Presidentiables.. Ha ha ha!!....

Ito naman!!

Si Dan na taga Bicol


Si Dan na Na US of A ay isang TNT, minsan na binisita sa ng kaibigan nya doon..

Jules: Pareng Dan, bakit yata di ka lumalabas at namamasyal, ang ganda!, ganda dito sa US eah

Dan: Pare!, Mahirap na baka kasi matyempuhan tayo, ipatapon ako pabalik sa Pinas

Jules: Pare!, sigurado ako di ka mahuhuli, o eto ang $10,000, mag enjoy ka...

napilitan ang ating bida na mamasyal at mag shopping...nagenjoy naqman ang ating bida at nawala pansamantala ang kanyang takot... maya-maya, magbabayad na sya sa Counter

Cashier: Cash or Visa Master Card?

Dan: (Nakupo!, hinahanapan nya ko ng Visa, yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko eh)

sa takot ni Dan, di na lang sya bumili at dali daling naghanap ng payphone para tawagan ang kumpare nya..

pag dating sa sa phone Booth... "AT & T...

Dan: (aahhh, patay!, ang dami ng nakakakilala sa kin)

nang may lumapit na amerikano sa kanya at sabay tanong.. "Is that Your Green car that blocks my way?.. ang Dan di na malaman ang gagawin, nagwala na sa loob... maya maya may lumapit uli para gumamit ng phone

American: Hey!, what happen, are you done?

Lalong naginig sa takot si Dan...

Dan: (Wah!!!, pati pangalan ko alam nya!!!)
American: Hey!, Be cool man, be cool, i'll just wait
Dan: (patay!! na talaga pati kung saan ako galing alam na nila...

Ayun ang pobreng Dan, Umuwi na lang ng pilipinas, sa takot


Yun lang po....

herald
05.01.12, 09:56 AM
headline bukas ngaun ang broadcast!!!

* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!!!

* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!!

* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!!

* Unanong madre, napagkamalang
penguin!!!

* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang
paningin!!!

* Iceman nanood ng porno, nag-init!!!

* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!!

* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng leksyon!!!

* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero
namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!!

* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso, binasura!!!

* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng mga
bingi nag-noise barrage!!!

* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo, inaalam
pa kung buhay!!!

* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw
paniwalaan!!!

* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!!

* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!!

* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!!

* Invisible man, nakita na!!!

* Labandera nagkamali, sinabon!!!

* Lalaki kumain ng boneless bangus,
natinik!!!

* Janitor sumali sa basketball, nilampaso!!!

* Paco binaha, kinalawang!!!

* Dahil lagi raw tulog, guwardiya binantayan!!!
;D

hashpipe
05.01.12, 11:30 AM
Additional:

Isabel Granada, itinapon.......SUMABOG!

NikNoK
05.01.12, 11:42 AM
hahah..... IM LOVING THIS THREAD..!!!! thanks for sharing some laughter guys... more!! more!! :D

Koenji
05.01.12, 12:20 PM
Hahaha . . . ! :)

Dagdag din.

Pugot na ulong natagpuan walang makalapit!
. . . nandudura daw. ;D

bajo
05.01.12, 12:31 PM
may tanong po ako...

pwede po ba mag-order ng Bunch of Lunch sa gabi?

pwede po ba mag softdrinks pag coffee break?

corny hehehe

NikNoK
05.01.12, 12:37 PM
KRIMINAL 1: Pare, cgurado k bang d2 dadaan yung papatayin natin?

KRIMINAL 2: OO namna, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo d2, wala pa rin siya?

KRIMINAL 1: Sana walang masamang nangyari sa kanya...

;D ;D ;D

nheenia
05.01.12, 02:26 PM
misheard lyrics:

kantahin para mas maganda.. :)

GREATEST LOVE OF ALL

.."I decided long ago, never to walk with Edu Manzano.. if I failed, If I'm sixteen.."

hehe..

herald
05.01.12, 02:54 PM
ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Alexander
05.01.12, 03:46 PM
How can u face your problem if the problem is your face..... ;D

bajo
05.01.12, 05:29 PM
gamit ka salamin

How can u face your problem if the problem is your face..... ;D


Alexander: hehehe....mahirap pa rin yun harapin.... baka magulat ka at atakihin sa puso...hahaha

Boeingman
05.01.13, 05:16 PM
Gusto mong bumili ng Eye-mo? Mura lang. : ~~ kaso. roll-on : : Gusto mong bumili ng high-heeled na sapatos? Mura lang. : ~~kaso, yung takong nasa taas. : ~~kaso, yung takong nasa harap : ~~kaso, yung takong nasa gitna. : ~~kaso, yung takong nasa loob.
meron pa gusto mo bang bumili 2nd version ng A380(Airbus), mura lang kaso paatras lumilipad.
ok ba?? wehehe ;D

Ojen_G
05.01.14, 07:57 AM
An American ride in a taxi and ask...

American: How long will it take to Meykabeybe?

Taxi Driver: 9 months.

The American got out of the taxi.

john516
05.01.14, 09:01 AM
shouldn't that be the other way around :D hehe

mike1314
05.01.14, 10:41 AM
He, he, he ;D makapag-isip nga din ng pwede kong i-post dito. ;)

Abangan...

Alexander
05.01.14, 12:36 PM
Trivia.....
Did you know that the Biggest Rabbit in the world is found in the PHILIPPINES.....

The name is PHILIPPINE RABBIT :D

NikNoK
05.01.14, 01:13 PM
I.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

II.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, clss, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


III>
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have>ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

IV.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

V.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.

herald
05.01.14, 04:28 PM
Nik may karugtong pa yan:

(examination day)
Teacher: are you through
Willy: No, I'm willy
Teacher: Are you done?
Willy, No!, I'm Willy
Teacher: (angry): ARE YOU FINISH?
WILLY: No. Mam, I am a Filipino.

yun lang po...

herald
05.01.17, 11:48 AM
Iba't ibang eksena:

Pulis: (may siitang pedestrian), Hoy!. Di mo ba nakita ang NO JAYWALKING sign na yan?
Jay: (Naku! patay pati pangalan ko alam), (Palusot) eh sir di nyo po ako pwedeng hulihin!!!
Pulis: aber bakit???
Jay: ako nga po si jay, pero tumatakbo po ako kaya di pwede, kung JAYRUNNING iyan pwede pa...
Pulis: Grrrr!!!!

Sa isang bakanteng lote

Pare 1: pare, pasok tayo dun sa loob ng lote o!!, ang daming pwedeng pagkakitaan>
Pare 2: oo nga pare, sige!!!
maya maya, habang nangunguha sila ng scrap metals sa lote, may dumating na Pulis, sinita sila.
Pulis: Hoy!, anong ginagawa nyo dyan??, di nyo ba alam na no trespassing dyan???
Pare 1 and 2: alam po sir!!
Pulis: eh, bakit pumasok pa kayo??
Pare 1 and 2: Sir!!, da-dalawa lang naman kami ah!!!

sa isang kalye, may isang kotse na pumasok sa no entry road ng papalapit na sya sa dulo ng kalye, hinarang sya ng MMDA.

MMDA:Sir, mawalang galang na po, No entry po itong kalye na ito, lisensya mo?
Driver: Sir sorry po, nagmamadali kasi ako eh, di ko po nakita
MMDA: anong di mo nakita?!!, ang laki laki ng sign ah.. O!!, NO ENTRY
Driver: Sir, talagang sorry po, do ko po talaga nakita.. na nandyan kayo!!!

sigh, ang corney ko!!!

Sa battle of the Brains

Host: sinong bayana ang pinatay noong 1983 na may N.A. na initial??
Contestant 1: (Buzzer!).. Nora Aunor?
Host: Mali!, may Y sa dulo ng pangalan
Contestant 2: (Buzzer!).. guY Aunor?
Host: Mali!, N.A. nga eh, Senador sya
Contestant 1: Senator Nora Aunor?
Host: Mali nga eh!!, eto last na to.. patay na sya>
Contestants: Ano???!!!, patay na si ate Guy???, waaaa!!!!!

have a blessed day to all

Koenji
05.01.19, 11:18 AM
Isang magnanakaw na hinahabol ng mga pulis ang pumasok sa isang sinehan.
Dali-dali namang na-alerta ang isang guard at nilapitan ang kanyang boss.

Guard: Sir, may pumasok na magnanakaw sa sinehan!

Boss: Ha . . . Dali! Abangan n'yo sa mga exits!

Makalipas ang ilang sandali'y bumalik ang guard.

Guard: Sir, nakalabas din.

Boss: Ha? Bakit nagkaganun? Di ba sabi ko abangan n'yo sa mga exits?

Guard: Ganun nga po, sir . . . kaya lang sa entrance po lumabas. ;D

NikNoK
05.01.19, 02:14 PM
1.
TEACHER; Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to
keep
yours.

2.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

3.
HERALD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HERALD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

4.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I
did.

5.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON: I hope you didn't either.

Koenji
05.01.26, 03:37 PM
Si Sonia ay nababahala sa isang di n'ya maipaliwanag na pangyayari nagaganap sa kanya.
Kaya minabuti n'yang ikonsulta sa isang doktor.

Doktor: O Sonia, baket anong nararamdaman mo?
Sonia: Kasi, doc, may ilang gabi na palagi akong nanaginip na kumakanta daw ako sa isang choir sa simbahan.
Doktor: Hmm . . . ngayon lang ako naka-encounter nito ah. Pero tingnan natin . . . inumin mo ang mga gamot na ito bago ka matulog sa loob ng isang linggo, tapos balik ka rito, ha?
Sonia: Opo, maraming salamat po, doc.

Makalipas ang isang linggo, bumalik si Sonia.

Doktor: O Sonia, kamusta na. Nananaginip ka pa ba?
Sonia: Naku, doc, meron pa rin ho. At sa tingin ko'y naging grabe pa nga ho, eh.
Doktor: Ha! Baket?
Sonia : Kasi itong nakaraang linggo, bukod sa kumakanta 'yung choir sa simbahan, sumali pa mandin kami sa isang Choral Competition.
Doktor: Hmm . . . grabe na nga. O sige bibigyan kita ng ibang gamot. I'm sure mawawala na 'yan.
Inumin mo ito bago ka matulog mamayang gabi, ha.
Sonia: Doc, pwede ho bang bukas na lang ng gabi ko inumin ito?
Doktor: Ha? Baket, 'kala ko ba gusto mong mawala na 'yang napapanaginipan mo?
Sonia: Oo nga, doc. Kaya lang 'yung choir na sinasalihan ko'y nakapasok sa Finals eh. Tapos mamayang gabi na ho 'yung championship round. Kawawa naman sila . . . ako lang ho kasi ang inaasahan sa alto, eh.


http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/bukaspalad/laugh.mp3

NikNoK
05.01.27, 01:03 PM
hahaha!!!! ;D ;D ;D

walastik!! ok yung recording Kuya Koenji ah? kaninong boses yun. hahah!

...nakaktuwa.. ang galing! ;D

Boeingman
05.01.30, 02:54 PM
try this:

Patient: doc, im coward of letting my tooth removed....
Dentist: wait i have something to overcome your cowardness..... here have some whiskey...

after a few shots the dentist then approached his patient:

Dentist: now, are you brave enough to let your tooth removed?
patient: yeah doc hik! hik! who ever pulls out my teeth I'll Kill Him Hik! Hik! Gets nyo hmmm

Koenji
05.02.01, 11:31 AM
Hey guys :)

Check this out ... perfect when you're caught in a traffic jam that's soooo boring and also an effective way to send a clear message to unruly motorists who infest our streets.

My DREAM CAR (http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/bukaspalad/dreamcar.wmv) ;)

NikNoK
05.02.01, 07:42 PM
Nice, Kuya Keonji! ok yun ah? na-miss ko tuloy yung favorite kong palabas na TRANSFORMERS nung bata pa ako.. hehe! :P :D

mike1314
05.02.01, 08:16 PM
Mare 1: Naku, tataas na daw ang pamasahe kaya dapat ay mag-reduce na tayo.
Mare2: Eh, bakit mare?
Mare1: Gagawin daw por kilo ang pamasahe!

nheenia
05.02.03, 04:06 PM
Q: Ano ang wish ng isang panda bear?
A: Ang magkaroon ng colored na picture..

;D

mike1314
05.02.06, 07:47 PM
Maaasahan ka raw, wala lang. Mabait ka raw, quiet lang ako. Sweet ka raw, smile lang ako. Naks, CUTE ka pa raw, abat!!! Umalis na ako, alam kong kalokohan na 'to eh!

Jon2
05.02.08, 01:47 PM
Bata: Lolo, kung kayo po ba si Adan, kakagatin mǃÙyo po ang mansanas ni Eba?
Lolo: Hindi
Bata: Bakit po?
Lolo: Sira ka ba, eh, wala na akong ngipin.

*****

Tindero: Sir, bili kayo ng kurtina?
Erap: Oo bibili ako ilalagay ko sa computer.
Tindero: Sir bat dun mo ilalagay?
Erap: Heller! IǃÙve got windows!

*****

A family was visiting an indian reservation when they happen upon an old Indian laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak haltingly. "A woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago."

NikNoK
05.02.09, 10:27 AM
1.
GARY:I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER:I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

2.
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

3.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

4.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

5.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

herald
05.02.10, 09:16 AM
Bakit may corruption?

Kasi dahil sa kahirapan!!

Eh, bakit may mahihirap?

Dahil sa corruption..

he he he!!!

Boeingman
05.02.12, 06:28 PM
My last ferwell poem ni Rizal (modern) kahit Spanish ang language ginamit but its the reality nga naman just try to read yje poem..:

Mi Ultimo Adios

Adios, Patria adorada, polluted na ang karsada
Perla del mar de trapiko, nuestro perdido tambutso
A darte voy a brownout, para ka na ring na-knock out
A fuera mas mainit, taong bayan nagngingitngit
Tambien por ti lad diera, para tayong nasa giyera.

El campos de basura, singhutando con delirio
Otros te dan sus microbio, sin duda, con ubo
Emergency power nada importa, Ramos de Venecia or Angara
Napocor o Meralco cerrado, generator o cruel martirio
Lo mismo es so expensive, por la pitaka de Pandoy.

Yo muero cuando veo, patay na raw ang kabayo
Y al fin anuncia el dia, matrapik daw sa Buendia
Si grana necesitas, para close down las fabricas
Vierte la sangre mia, kawawa an maralita
Y dorela un reflejo, de apat na kandila
Mis suenos cuando apenas, mga trapo nakakabanas
Mis suenos cuando joven, pen pen de sarapen
Fueron el verte un dia, naka-air con ang mga buwaya
Secos los negros ojos, sa Epifanio de los Santos
Sin ceno, sin arugas, pulitikong mandurugas

Ensueno de mi vida, hithit-buga, hithit-buga
Salud! te grita el alma, alingasaw ng industria
Salud! ah, que es hermosa, di na sila tumatawa
Morir por darte vida, puro grasa na ang mata
En tu pollutada tierra, sumalangit nawa sila.
ad....

herald
05.03.02, 02:06 PM
Con is the opposite of pro
therefore:

Congress is the opposite of Progress...

make sense di ba????

john516
05.03.02, 06:08 PM
On their performance right now, yes it makes sense. :D

herald
05.03.03, 10:03 AM
Miinamahal kong anak,

Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil
alam kong mabagal kang magbasa.

Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang
bagong bili na bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala
ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila.
Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na
araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad
nung nabili ko na shampoo, ayaw bumula. Nakasulat FOR DRY HAIR kaya
hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa
tindahan at magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako
makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw
bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba
namalat na ak o sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako
sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng
YALE, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang
jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal
daw dahil mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na
lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo
na lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga
nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous
donor.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho
na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon
ng damo sa memorial park,
okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.
Nakapanganak na rin pala ang
ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o
lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi
na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.

Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre
pero naguguluhan ako. Di ba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at
Alfonso Liner ay mga pampasaherong bus. Yung Panty Liner, bus din
ba yun? Saan ba ang Terminal nila?

At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan
at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan
daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV
ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang
english ang Kulangot. Di ko nasagot... ikaw anak, alam mo?

Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka
na lang ng madalas ha.
Love,
Tatay

P.S. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay
naisara ko na ang envelope.
Next time na lang ha.

Boeingman
05.03.04, 06:34 AM
hehehe ganda nyan... alam ko saan yan na kuha... wehehehehe :D

Try this:

Q: saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga taga IRAQ? A: Eh di SADAAM.

Q: If si Bush nag hide sa Bush, anong hinding place si Saddam?A:Edi.. Sa dam!

herald
05.03.07, 09:44 AM
PGMA: MAHABA pa ang panahon.. 5 years from now, bago ako bumaba sa pwesto.. wala ng magugutom...

PIGOK: kasi WALA NG BUHAY

joke lang po ito??!!!

Boeingman
05.03.07, 11:06 AM
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room.

Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of

this predicament, suggested that he use the ladies room, but cautioned

him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were

marked "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".

Eventually his curiosity got the better of him. Sitting there he

carefully pressed the first button marked "WW". Immediately warm water

>sprayed gently over his entire ass. He thought, "Golly, the gals really

>have it made". Still curious, he pressed the next button marked "WA",

>warm air dried his ass completely. This, he thought, was out of this

>world. The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which patted

>his bottom lightly with a scented powder.

>

>Naturally he just couldn't resist the last one marked "ATR". When he

>awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she

>appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember, I was

>in the ladies room". The nurse replied, "Yes, you were, but you were

>cautioned about pressing the buttons. You would have been in good shape

>if you had not pressed the button marked "ATR", which stands for

>"AUTOMATIC TAMPAX REMOVER". Your penis is under your pillow".


2nd joke: lets see if you got the point hehehe

Brando: Tol, inaantok ako, puyat kasi ako kagabi eh. Gustong gusto ko pa namang makinig ng lecture ni Mrs. Manhit.

Bruce: Nag-kape ka na ba, para mawala ang antok mo?

Brando: Dehins, altab tol. wa epek!

Chun Li: Hoy, mayroon akong alam na orasyon na pampapaalis ng antok, kaya lang iyon ay kung naniniwala kayo sa orasyon.

Bruce: Subukan mo na rin tol, ala namang mawawala eh!

Brando: Ano ba iyon?

Chun Li: Sabihin mo ang mga latin na ito: AVAIGA ... GOPA ... LACHO! Ulit-ulitin mo ang dasal hanggang sa mawala ang antok mo.

Brando: AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO........ AVAIGAGOPALACHO
( ;D :D answer is hidden)

NikNoK
05.03.07, 12:51 PM
A guy donated blood 2 his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a bloody napkin at him and said, "I'll pay u in monthly installment!!!" ;D

jowi
05.03.07, 01:18 PM
Chun Li: Sabihin mo ang mga latin na ito: AVAIGA ... GOPA ... LACHO! Ulit-ulitin mo ang dasal hanggang sa mawala ang antok mo.

Brando: AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO ... AVAIGA ... GOPA .. LACHO........ AVAIGAGOPALACHO
( ;D :D answer is hidden)


hihi... kung "avaiga...gopa...laco..". magwo work ba? hehe.. just dropping by to say hello to everyone!

Boeingman
05.03.08, 04:31 PM
syempre naman tingnana ko kung di ka tatawa o magagalit lets wait kung may makakaanswer ng joke: avayga gopa lacho.... avay g gopa lacho avaiga gopa lacho

hashpipe
05.03.08, 11:41 PM
Eyng, kailangan pa ba answeran ang joke na iyan, francischoir? Mukhang mas mabuti kung wag na lang. :)

Boeingman
05.03.09, 07:02 AM
kung sa bagay... di naman kailangan eh since you just need to understand what the joke is like yung avaiga gopa lacho eh kun itranslate mo yan eh... hehehhe ang kinalabasan naman yan eh "aba'y gago pala ako" oh di ba so tama lang kung ang isang tao ay magagalit so maalis ang antok mo whahaha ;D

hashpipe
05.03.09, 02:09 PM
Ngek. Sinabi mo pa rin.

Boeingman
05.03.10, 06:50 AM
hehehe o nga noh.... well another joke pa.....

Q:Ano ang brand ng space shuttle sinakyan ng mga astronaut sa Movie entitled Armageddon??
A: Eh di ba before sila umalis one of the shuttle crew kumanta ng " Im Leaving Honda jetplane" hehe korny ano??

next:

(beeping sound)*********NEWSFLASH!!!!!!******************

Abu Sayyaf group led by Kadafi Janjalani won the war in terrorism against the government took over the government offices!!! new names were adopted:
DOJ- Abu Gado
DND- Abu Rido
DSWD- Abu loy
DOH- Abu Lario

NikNoK
05.03.14, 11:24 AM
This has got to be one of the most clever
puzzle I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT




GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE




THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):


TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS ;D

Peace!!

hashpipe
05.03.15, 12:21 AM
Nice anagrams!

Jon2
05.03.16, 02:24 PM
Sa bilibid prison, sampung taon nang hindi naliligo at nagpapalit ng damit yung mga bilanggo.
Isang araw, biglang hinarap nung prison warden ang mga bilanggo at kaniyang i-nan-announce., "mayroon akong good news at bad news para sa inyo."

"Ang good news...pagkatapos ng sampung taong walang paligo at walang palitan ng damit, ngayong araw, magkakaraoon kayong lahat ng palit ng damit."

Palakpakan at naluha pa yung ibang prisonero sa galak.

"Ang bad news, ikaw ay makikipalit ng suot sa kanya, ikaw naman, - malipapalit sa kanya..."

NikNoK
05.03.17, 11:04 AM
TSIMISAN SA LOOB NG SIMBAHAN:

U wont bliv wat things pipol do this days!?!?
I was sitting next to this guy in church..
And in the Middle of the MASS,
He Lights a Cigarette???? Haller!!!
NA-SHOCK AKO HA!!!
....I Almost dropped my RedHorse! ;D

herald
05.03.22, 09:38 AM
The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved
all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just
before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in
that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my checking
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can
spend it."

Boeingman
05.03.22, 01:47 PM
ONLY IF

If only ADAM & EVE were Asians, they

would not have committed the original sin.

Kakanin nila ang ahas at

ibebenta na lang ang mansanas.
(Ows) tama nga naman actually its also a medicin ;Dal animal and ehem. ******* hehe censored kasi sorry na lang kayo for males only.....

Alexander : If you think that the jokes are green please avoid posting it.

[hr]

NAKATIPID

Takbong pumasok ng bahay si Mario.
Pagud na pagod, pero masayang-masaya.
Nagmamayabang pa sa ina.
"Nanay! Nanay! Nakatipid ako ng uno singkwenta."
"Nakatipid? Paano?" tanong ng nanay.
"Aba'y 'di ako sumakay ng dyip.
Sumabay lang ako ng takbo.
Kaya't nakatipid ako ng one-fifty!"
"Bobo ka pala, eh. Kung taxi ang sinabayan mo,
'Di mas malaki ang natipid mo!"

[hr]

TEAM

There were three basketball teams: the White team, the Black team, and
the Filipino team. They all didn't know what to call each other. The
white team decided to be the "A" team and the Filipinos were the "B" team.
What was the black team? -the "E" team.

;D


Your post was edited by Moderator Alexander

hashpipe
05.03.24, 10:30 PM
Avoid double (or in this case, triple) posts please. Edit niyo na lang original message niyo. If you have 3 different jokes, you could always separate it naman kahit sa isang post. Thanks. :)

NikNoK
05.04.08, 05:48 PM
ANG BAGONG DIKSYONARYO

Mga Bagong Katungkulan (Translated Job Titles)

Siguro napapanahon nang palitan ang mga titulo ng mga katungkulan (job title) na dati nating nakasanayan.

Nakalista sa baba ay mga titulo ng mga posisyon sa English at ang bagong nababagay na bansag sa kanila sa wikang Pilipino:


President - Pasimuno
Vice President - Kunsintidor
Secretary - Palsipikador
Treasurer - Kubrador
Auditor - Kasabwat
Business Manager - Gastador
Public Relations Officer - Tsismoso
Sergeant-at-Arms - Pasaway
Representative - Pahamak
Observer - Usisero
Advocate - Taga-batikos
Spokesman - Bolero
Moderator - Taga-bulabog
Announcer - Manggugulat
Monitor - Taga-silip
Inspector - Taga-lapirot
Investigator - Mangangalkal
Enforcer - Tirador
Jail Warden - Sadista
Prosecutor - Tagapaglait
Judge - Tagahugas-kamay
Aide - Taga-istorbo
Assistant - Galamay
Adviser - Sulsol
Consultant - Mangangalakal
Contractor - Estapador
Expert - Punong-Yabang
Technical Writer - Manlilinlang
Spin Doctor - Taga-himas
Headhunter - Taga-silat
Headshrinker - Basagulero
Director - Taga-udyok
Manager - Taga-kulit
Boss - Busabos
Supervisor - Ambisyoso
Chief Accountant - Punong-Gahaman
Sales Vendor - Pirata
Collector - Mangingikil
Custodian - Taga-ligpit
Dispatcher - Taga-dispatsa
Distributor - Taga-kalat
Delivery Man - Taga-iwan ng Gamit
Circulation Head - Taga-bilog ng Ulo
Purchaser - Palengkera
Receptionist - Palikera
Clerk Typist - Taga-parami ng Papel
Messenger - Tagatulak ng Papel
Janitor - Taga-limas
Plumber - Taga-tagas
Repairman - Mambubutingting
Gardener - Damuho
Utility Man - Inutil
Watchman - Istambay
Security Guard - Bantay-Salakay
Doorman - Nagpapalusot
Driver - Kaskasero
Chance Passenger - Malas na Nakikiangkas
Comedian - Alaskador
Entertainer - Kerengkeng

larry
05.04.08, 06:32 PM
AMO : Sagutin mo ang telepn inday!
INDAY : (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: Baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi! lohi!
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili! Puntili!


Intsik : "Magkano punta sa Makati?"
Taxi Driver: "Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?"
Intsik: "Bakit, di ikaw sama?"

Punzi
05.04.13, 11:28 PM
I already blogged on how bad my day was...just check it out if you want to. But this joke cheered my up! This came from http://www.dubaichronicles.com:

Chinese-Filipino names:
born during the night - andy lim
born blind - kenneth sy
born being swindled - lino co
born while cooking - nilo toh
born as 10th child - sam po
born while being courted - lily gaw
born fat - bob uy
born little - kathy ting
born different - eva yan
born with porridge - lino gaw
born looking for someone - allen sia
born while counterfeiting - faye king
born during Sunday - lyn go
born with malice - mali sia
born angry with someone - ally tan
born with picture - lara huan
born with sweets - ken dy
born undefined - sam ting
born while taking a bath - lily go
born not to take a bath - dinah lily go
born while buying - bill li
born secretly - tina go
born to pass flatus - otto tin
born ugly - kow yan
born easily - malou wang

;D

NikNoK
05.04.20, 12:29 PM
THE BEST ANNIVERSARY GIFT EVER:

Wife: Dear ano ireregalo mo sa akin sa 25th anniv natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Europe, mahal..
Wife: Wow! ang sweet naman!!.... tapos sa 50th natin?
Husband: Ah eh.. kunin na kita doon! ;D

Koenji
05.04.22, 11:02 AM
Isang tanong, isang sagot sa choir:http://home.hpo.net/christmas/koenji/rolling.gif


Tanong: Anong tawag sa mga alto na nasisintunado?
Sagot: Alto-tune (out of tune)

Tanong: Anong tawag sa mga tenors na nahihirapan
kantahin ang part nila?
Sagot: Tenor-torture

Tanong: Eh, 'yung mga tenors na mahirap turuan?
Sagot: Tenorista

Tanong: Anong tawag naman sa mga suprano na parang
baliw kung kumanta?
Sagot: Supraning

Tanong: Anong tawag sa mga bass na sobrang baba ang
boses na parang nanggagaling sa ilalim ng lupa?
Sagot: Basement


http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/bukaspalad/laugh.mp3

Koenji
05.05.09, 11:13 AM
Just for fun lang guys . . . ;)

Koenji: "Knock! Knock!"

Himig: "Who's there?"

Koenji: "Mayonnaise"

Himig: "Mayonnaise who?"

Koenji: (Sabay kanta) "Mayonnaise-tions praise you here on earth . . . " (Verse 3 ng LYPBH)

Himig: "Corny mo . . . o sige practice na't malapit na ang concert."


http://home.hpo.net/christmas/koenji/dancing.gif

Boeingman
05.05.10, 03:18 PM
GLOW

Pari: Sister, halika dito sa kuwarto ko…

Sister: Diyos ko!!!

Pari: Sara mo yung pinto at patayin mo ang ilaw…

Sister: Diyos ko!!!

Pari: Tabi ka sa akin.

Sister: Oh my God!!!

Pari: Tingnan mo itong relo ko. GLOW in the dark.




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Pinoy Dyoks

PinoyDyoks 4



Anak 1

Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!

Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!




Kotong

Pulis: Bayad ko sa kape, o.

Intsik: Aba, bakit ka bayad?

Pulis: Utos na ni Lacson, wala nang kotong.

Intsik: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na ako dura sa kape mo.


Mukha

WIFE: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.

HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!

pangalis pagod at
antok

Tatay: 'Nak, bili mo ko ng soft drink.

Anak: Coke o Pepsi?

Tatay: Coke.

Anak: Diet o regular?

Tatay: Regular.

Anak: Bote o can?

Tatay: Bote

Anak: 8 oz o litro?

Tatay: Leche! Tubig na lang.

Anak: Mineral, distilled o purifie

hashpipe
05.05.12, 01:46 AM
A funny animated gif I found. Follow up sa avatar ni Punzi! Haha! ;D

http://www.bugner1.org/gaydance.gif

Boeingman
05.05.12, 05:37 PM
THE PINOY PAINNTER




Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!
In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"

Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well."

"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."

Tatlong oras pa lang, narinig na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi".

"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"

"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy.

"Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.

"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch...your car is a BMW..."

Koenji
05.06.08, 11:48 AM
First time nangumpisal si Pedro. Wala namang naging problema except duon sa pagbibigay ng penance. Pakinggan natin . . .

Pari: "So, anak, para sa iyong penance, dasalin mo ang Ama Namin, ha".

Pedro: "Father, pasens'ya na po kayo, pero hindi ko po alam dasalin ang Ama Namin".

Pari: "O sige, dasalin mo na lang ang Hail Mary ng dalawang beses".

Pedro: "Naku, father, sorry po again, hindi ko rin po alam ang Hail Mary".

Pari: "Ganun? O s'ya, anak, kung ano na lang ang alam mong dasal. Ano nga pala ang alam mong dasal".

Pedro: "Angelus po".

Pari: "Ha?

(Medyo nagulat ang pari dahil sure s'ya na ang Angelus ay may Hail Mary . . tatlo pa. Kaya para makasiguro minabuti n'yang mapakinggan muna kung talagang alam ni Pedro ang Angelus.)

"O sige, anak, 'yun na lang. Pero gusto ko munang marinig bago kita bigyan ng blessing".

Pedro: "Salamat po, father, ganito po 'yun . . . ding . . . dong . . . ding . . . dong . . ding . . . dong".

(Hehehe, medyo mahina lang kasi malayo ang bahay nila Pedro mula sa kampanaryo ng simbahan.) ;D

Ojen_G
05.06.16, 10:30 PM
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.
Sabi nya
"GO TO HELL", kaya ito
uwi agad ako..


Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bkit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag
papasok ako ng
banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!


1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't
react...
2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo,
gusot-gusot!!"


AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili


Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.


Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili nko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang


Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!


RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA: we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: u can't go der, ul burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go der at NIGHT!


Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.


KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin siya! Sana naman wlang nangyaring masama sa
kanya."

Koenji
05.06.17, 09:53 PM
Isang araw walang magawa sina Juan at Pedro. :)

Juan: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang isa mong
tenga?

Pedro: Hihina pandinig ko.

Juan: Eh, kung dalawang tenga?

Pedro: Eh di lalabo paningin ko!

Juan: Ha, Baket naman?

Pedro: Malalaglag salamin ko. ;D

Koenji
05.06.18, 06:37 PM
Just for fun lang, guys. :)

Medyo matagal na 'to pero soooo funny talaga kahit ilang beses ko panoorin. Need -Flash- to view.

Click ... Maritess and Her SuperFriends (http://f2.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/oPCzQmsYBf0TO6SKpRbsB4HR3J_zponF2gD6LXQ7sHjMTyDcBX J4Cx1CniNyp22AGqf4jp9B7l1fV5r2L0MlDg/Flash%20Animations/Maritess%20vs%20The%20Superfriends.swf)

Enjoy. ;)

anya
05.06.19, 12:42 PM
Father's Day Jokes ;)

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"

Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"
"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to!

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one!

What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mum and Dad!

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!

My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

Do fathers always snore?
No - only when they are asleep!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!
:)


Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say.

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)
[]Read the Label

A three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties.

"How do you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Dad Lines

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.New and Improved

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"


::)]

trinnah
05.06.27, 05:27 PM
ok ang tagal talaga ng sundo ko haaayyyy natrapik daw, ::)

This happened last January 2000 when I was with my boyfriend at the Megamall and we were having our dinner at the food court. It was our first dinner together! He was having soup and suddenly, I heard a loud slurping sound! Oh my gosh! I was shocked! Good thing the table near us were vacant. But it’s OK, I really love him and I find it cute. Hehehe.” :)

Ojen_G
05.06.27, 09:52 PM
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to
heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting
for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed
St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could
imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old
shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said
the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the
mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church
every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people
slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

NikNoK
05.06.28, 11:22 AM
ok ang tagal talaga ng sundo ko haaayyyy natrapik daw, ::)


Hello there, Trinnah!

Ok ang joke mo ah, true to life.. ;)

Hmmm.. sino yung sundo mo? joke! ;)

its nice to see you active on the board! hope to see you also in the next BPOCC gigs! God bless!

herald
05.06.28, 03:13 PM
ayos!!!

Boeingman
05.07.16, 04:48 PM
Its confirmed!

Medical results show death of cardinal Sin was due to cardiac arrest, the cause of that heart attack??
hmmm
well.. It was confirmed, nagkumpisal si Gloria kay Cardinal Sin. yan ang dahilan kaya inatake

devorack214
05.07.16, 06:35 PM
hehehehe.... ;D

Alexander
05.07.19, 12:20 AM
Its confirmed!

Medical results show death of cardinal Sin was due to cardiac arrest, the cause of that heart attack??
hmmm
well.. It was confirmed, nagkumpisal si Gloria kay Cardinal Sin. yan ang dahilan kaya inatake





francischoir... hehehe... bad joke ha... :D ... we respect na lang the dead (actual people) and not make fun out of the Cardinal's death.... ibang joke na lang (ehem)

Boeingman
05.07.19, 09:02 AM
francischoir... hehehe... bad joke ha... :D ... we respect na lang the dead (actual people) and not make fun out of the Cardinal's death.... ibang joke na lang (ehem)


O po Kuya Alex... hehe kasi, nakuha ko lang sa Text Message ng parents ko.. hehe ewan ko nga kung cno ang nagpadala nun.....

spitfire
05.07.19, 01:07 PM
from a text: :D

8)Mga bisaya'y minsan di ko maintindihan..ang english nila sa mukha..pis, sa isda..pis, sa pandikit..pis, sa kapayapaan..pis, kanina tinanong ako kung saan ako nakatira..pis 1 o pis 2? pisti talaga. ;D

Alexander
05.07.19, 10:31 PM
Hey... meron tayong mga member dito sa message board that speaks the Visayan dialect (Cebuano, Ilonggo, etc), please limit your jokes to fictitious characters para di tayo maka offend... tsaka whats wrong of being a "bisaya" :) Yung mga Ilonggo nga minsan kahit galit na e, you wont notice kasi malalambing sila magsalita :)

So para maka-iwas lets not tackle personalities or cultures... )

Not being KJ... Just doing what a moderator is supposed to do

spitfire
05.07.20, 07:19 AM
Hey... meron tayong mga member dito sa message board that speaks the Visayan dialect (Cebuano, Ilonggo, etc), please limit your jokes to fictitious characters para di tayo maka offend... tsaka whats wrong of being a "bisaya" :) Yung mga Ilonggo nga minsan kahit galit na e, you wont notice kasi malalambing sila magsalita :)

So para maka-iwas lets not tackle personalities or cultures... )

Not being KJ... Just doing what a moderator is supposed to do
My father is a full-blooded visayan, i have many visayan friends...i speak a word or two of ilonggo :)anyway, that's not my idea :'(it's from a text kc so i might as well share it..i agree, malambing nga sila..that's why i like cebuanas very much :-*

NikNoK
05.07.20, 11:27 AM
I am not Cebuano nor my Family.
Lately, I had the chance to meet people of this region.
They were one of nicest people in earth!
Visayan dialect is one of the most "AFFECTIONATE" and "PASSIONATE" sounds i have heard. ;)

Alexander
05.07.21, 06:27 AM
Yap text jokes are "text jokes"... I have nothing against it but the concern is "iwasan" lang natin na mag label, kasi we don't know if somebody gets offended... oks ba :)

Not "galit" though... concern lang :)

spitfire
05.07.21, 12:49 PM
no problem kuya alex ;D ;D ;D

Edna
05.08.06, 10:47 PM
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."


;D

bouie
05.08.11, 10:18 PM
DISCLAIMER: Green joke 'to. Was sent to me a while ago through SMS. Haven't read a green joke for a very long time so I was kinda lol-ing inside the bus.

SA BUS:

Holdaper: Re-rape-in ko lahat ng babae dito! Walang magulo kundi papatayin ko kayo!

Hostess: Ako na lang po manong; maawa kayo sa iba! Ako na lang po.

Lola: Loka! Sabi nga na lahat ng babae eh, pakialamera ka masyado!

jeffoy
05.08.12, 08:42 AM
Share ko sa inyo ilan sa mga joke compilations ko, some of them are green jokes so be prepared about it.... well joke lang nman po.. enjoy!!


Ibang posisyon
Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That?s a good idea dear?.doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

**********

Senior card

GMA: Kumusta po ang naibigay na benepisyo sa inyo ng senior card?Lolo:
Ok na rin po ?yung 20% discount sa gamut. Sana lang po magamit naman sa
iba.

GMA: Tulad po saan?

Lolo: Sa motel po.


***********
Pinoy ingenuity?

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a
man?s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It?s called a
magnifiying glass.


**********
Vibrating cellphone

Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng panty ko, "nagbavibrate."

Mr: E anong gagawin ko? Kukunin ko sa panty mo?

Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger baka ma-low batt!

*************

Regalo

Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni PARE ang birthday gift mo ah?

Mrs: Oo nga,7 months na di pa rin ginagamit.

Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?

Mrs: Memorial Plan.

Alexander
05.08.13, 03:57 PM
Hehehe... wag masyadong GREEN ha

Eto ang mga old fashioned KNOCK KNOCK...

Knock Knock...
Who's there....
Ako maba....
Ako maba, Who?....

Hehehe.. kaya pala... me amoy...CORNY... hahaha

Knock Knock...
Who's there....
SPELL....
SPELL, Who?....

W..H.. O.......CORNY... hahaha

jeffoy
05.08.13, 07:00 PM
Kuya Alex corny nga.. :D eto pa mga jokes ko, sensya na kung meron green jokes d nman masyado grabe :) i just wanna share it with all of you, hirap kseng ako lang ang tumatawang mag-isa, baka bigla na lang may sumundo sa kin ditong ambulansya ng Mental Hospital, akala lumuwag na mga turnilyo ko hehehe.. enjoy ulit!!!


Kriminal

KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayinnatin?"

KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parinsiya!
Sananaman wlang nangyaring masama sa kanya...



Diamond

Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko.

Pedro: Ano regalo mo?

Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.

Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?

Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.

Pedro: Ano binigay mo?

Juan: Baraha.



Si Gino

LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kape ko.

APO: Lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Gino paabot nga ng kutchara.

APO: Lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Punyeta ka Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!



Hearing Aid

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid. Grabe!ang
linaw na ng pandinig ko!

Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?

Pedro: Kahapon lang.



Tutpik

Customer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang ang dali pang
mabali.

Waiter (inis): Alam nyo sir, ang dami ng gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang
nakabali!



Confident Vs. Confidential

Anak: Itay, ano kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.



Panchito, Babalu, Dolphy

Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC ? Alak, Babae at Cigarette.

Babalu: Ako naman DEF ? Damo, Egg at Frutas.

Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z. Alma to Zsa Zsa.



First love never dies

Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies?"

Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang
animal!



Suko sa mister

Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...

Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.

jeffoy
05.08.17, 01:51 PM
Nag-enjoy ba kayo? eto pa....

Pagod daw...

Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.

Mr: Kasi pagod ako.

Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.

Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!



Judge: Ikaw nanaman! Sampung taon ka nang dito humaharap sa korte ko,
ha?

Swindler: Your honor, hindi ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.



Ampon

Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!

Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!



Ang sulat

Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan
angsarili ko...

Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...



Immigration


Ngongo

dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....

Ngongo: "nges hu?"....

MRS: ****!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!


Rape Suspek

ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape
sayo?

INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...

SUSPEK: cge!...mangasar ka pa!!!!




Dalawang CRA ulo....

CRA1: Magaling ka na ba?

CRA2: Oo namn!!!

CRA1: Talaga?...kaya mo bng 2mawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?

CRA2: Ano ko cra? e pano kung patayin mo flashlyt mo?...e d nalaglag pa
ko!!!



TEACHER and BOY

TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?

BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.

TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?

BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!

TEACHER: baket naman?

BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.



Tatlong nagyayabangan na daga ...

Daga1: kakain ako ng keso na may rat-killer!

Daga2: ha!!! kakain ako ng keso sa mouse trap!!!

Daga3: tsk! tsk! tsk! manood kayo!!!! manrereyp ako ng pusa!!!

NikNoK
05.08.25, 06:05 PM
BUHAY MAG-ASAWA

Theme song of married couples...

1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi
1 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroroon
26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya
*****

Types of couples:
1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = Nagmamahalan
2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = Pinikot!
3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Tinutukan!
4. Boy Panget + Girl Pangit = Pasensyahan
*****

Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki?
A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.
*****

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.
A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa manalo sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.
*****

Wife sinampal ang asawa.
Wife: Sino si Jasmine sa panaginip mo?
Husband: Yung kabayong bet ko sa karera!
NEXT DAY...sinampal ulit.
Husband: baket?
Wife: Tumawag ang kabayo mo!
*****

Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!

*****

MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?
MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis 22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart.
*****

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"
*****

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"
*****

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
*****

Misis: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
Mister: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!
*****

MISIS: Lolokohin ko mister ko. Magpapanggap akong "pick-up girl" dito sa may kanto namin. (Pagkita kay mister:) Hi, pogi! available ako ngayon.
MISTER: Ayoko sa iyo. Kamukha mo misis ko!
*****

A wife wanted to scare her alcoholic husband. One night, he comes home dead drunk, she dresses up as satan?
Husband : Shhino ka? (hik)
Wife : Si Satanas! Kukunin na kita!
Husband : Huwag mo akong takutin? asawa ko ang kapatid mo!
*****

Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan.
Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.
"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat sa iyo."
"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."
"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"
"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo rito sa mundo."
"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinag-taksilan kita sana ay patawarin mo ako."
"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON."
*****

WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN
When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."
You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin, tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."

When you say: "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko."
You really mean: "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan kung ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya."

When you say: "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"
You really mean: "Hiniwalay ko na ang puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada."

When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw."
You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at niniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!"

When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"
You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."

When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"
You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"

When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"
You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong sapatos na bibilhin ko!"

When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin!
"You really mean: "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko pagkatapos mong basahin."

When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"
You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!'"

When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"
You really mean: "Hindi puede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa

bouie
05.08.29, 10:34 PM
This was given by my aunt a while ago. Share ko lang ;)

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day..
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we dont have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadnt wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

NikNoK
05.08.30, 10:38 AM
This was given by my aunt a while ago. Share ko lang ;)


Wow... first time i read this jokes.. very original to me.. i kinda like it so much! thanks bouie for sharing!! it really made my day.. ! ;D

Koenji
05.09.01, 08:32 PM
Hehehe . . . http://home.hpo.net/christmas/koenji/rotating.gif

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." hehehe . . . http://home.hpo.net/christmas/koenji/rolling.gif

Alexander
05.09.02, 07:39 AM
hahaha... i liked that joke koenji :)

Ako naman......

This is a Filipino making a long distance phone
call....

Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel
is Elpidio Abanquel. I
will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in
Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p
as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io,
and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport
agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.


*****************

This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:

Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white?
rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask
for the last time, what
would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....

NikNoK
05.09.11, 03:03 PM
How to ask your Boss for a Salary increase?


One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

[hr]

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given ! ! $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

[hr]
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

[hr]

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Alexander
05.09.13, 03:24 PM
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE NOT A
TAGALOG SPEAKING FILIPINO

Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, first DEFEAT and then DETAIL.

Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
I hear dripping in the sink. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.

Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.

Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a CUISINE math.

Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.

Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

Use AFFECT in a sentence.
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

Use ADIEU in a sentence.
If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.

Use DECANTER in a sentence.
You can order that medicine over DECANTER.

Use DEFLATE in a sentence.
Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?

Use DELETION in a sentence.
The balat of DELETION is crispy.

Use DESPISE in a sentence.
Who baked all DESPISE?

Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic.

...... AND NOW FOR THE FILIPINOS WHO CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND TAGALOG

Use BORROW in a sentence.
Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
Anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.

Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain, pero, CONTEMPLATE.

Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what
this is, it's a city or street at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA)

Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda nang bebot na yun,
pero,ma-ARTESIA.

CADET in a sentence.
CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.

Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.

Use CENTURION in a sentence.
Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.

Use DEFIED in a sentence.
What is 2 + 3? Eh DEFIED, dali naman niyon.

Use DELICACY in a sentence.
Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.

Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong
kumain.

DIFFUSION in a sentence.
Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.

Use LAITY in a sentence.
Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.

.... AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

Use MENTION in a sentence.
Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION

Koenji
05.09.14, 12:15 PM
HEADLINE NEWS !! HEADLINE NEWS !! HEADLINE NEWS !!

Millions of guests present at the much-awaited opening of Disneyland in Hongkong were outraged to discover that Donald Duck was not among the disney characters. According to the report, Donald Duck strongly refused to join the other characters for fear of ending as Peking duck ! ;D

http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/joke/donald.jpg

mike1314
05.09.15, 01:21 AM
Understanding /f/ and /p/ sound. ;D
Isang anak ang humihingi ng pera sa kanyang tatay...
ANAK: Fafa, pahingi po ng fiso.
TATAY: Anak, piso hindi fiso. Torfe!

Koenji
05.09.15, 12:08 PM
Tanong lang po. ???
Paano ko ba ida-download ang Internet?


Click Here to Download the Internet (http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/joke/just_close_this_window.htm) ;D

Koenji
05.09.22, 08:43 PM
Don't know much about musical terms and their meanings. Nevertheless, I found some of them here quite funny. My favorites are "Messiah" and "Beat".

Enjoy. ;D

Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"
Accidentals: Wrong notes
Ad Libitum: A premiere.
Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.
Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent
symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Beat: What music students do to each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.
Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".
Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.
Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.
Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, e.g. "He wears chords."
Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
Clausula: Mrs. Santa.
Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.
Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.
Countertenor: A singing waiter.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used.
Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
Da capo al fine: I like your hat!
Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.
Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.
Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.
Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Estampie: What they put on letters in Quebec
Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.
Fine: That was great!
Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.
Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent).
Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.
Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages
Isorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.
Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the other half
Lai: What monks give up when they take their vows.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
Longa: The time between visits with Vire.
Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.
(Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.
Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.
Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.
Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as 'faking'.
Neums: Renaissance midgets
Opus: A penguin in Kansas.
Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".
Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists,
caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.
Quaver: Beginning viol class.
Rackett: Capped reeds class.
Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.
Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.
Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.
Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.
Sancta: Clausula's husband.
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.
Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.
Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.
Supertonic: Schweppes.
Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.
Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.
Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.
Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Trope: A malevolent Neum.
Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.
Vibrato: The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai. ;)

pp2pogi
05.09.23, 01:50 PM
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this ....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it
will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS
SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!

Jon2
05.09.23, 05:09 PM
sensya moderators... ;)

talk about sea creatures

In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone
tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises
his hand. "Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the
flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your
parents. Let's try another one. Why does a
lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder,
the lobster saw it."

NikNoK
05.09.30, 12:43 PM
ENGLISH BLOOPERS:

Pa add ... narinig ko to sa hagdanan sa megamall about three weeks ago ...
Girl (apparently upset because she caught her guy cheating on her):
What WRONG am I to you? Hah? Hah? Frank me! Frank me!
(try nyo nga? With conviction dapat...with tears pa...for effect...)

Also ...
Guy (on his knees, proposing): Will you marry me?
Girl: (about to cry, tears of joy ito): YES I AM!
Guy (thinking): nakupo, ito ba ang magiging nanay ng mga anak ko?)



Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ: What do you take me for?! Granted?

Guard, answering the telephone: Hello? Ah yes, for a while. Please hang
yourself.

Starlet in an interview: If the odds are against me, then I will against
them.

Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mothers
burial:
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

Army officer to cadet: Do you know why I ask you to stand?
Cadet: No, sir.
Army officer: Ok, why? (anlabo!)

Teacher to students: Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko kayo sa covered courts.

Teacher: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes.
Class: What?! Teacher!
Teacher: Whats wrong? Its a beautiful film starring Bros Welles! (Bruce
Willis)
Class: Aah, Sixth Sense!

Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper lang eh.

A reporter interviews a politician about the Philippine economy. Politician
says: Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon. Pero slow by slow, we will
success.

Teacher: Sorry, class. Im late. My mother died three years ago. And now shes
dead. (Ano daw?!)

Heard in a fastfood chain:
Yaya: Mam, gusto po ni Mark ng KIDNEY MEAL!

Teacher: What is ur name?
Student: Dell.
Teacher: What is ur old? (maybe she meant how old are you?)

In a restaurant:
Waiter: Sir, How do you want your egg?
Customer: Side in, side out.

Mom interviews her daughters suitor:
Mom: Whats your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)

Guy to Girl: I love you. This is not a ball. (Hindi ito bola in English)

Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight circles and find your height
alphabetically! (ano ba talaga?!)

Teacher to students: Okay class, its time to go home. Form a line and pass
out slowly.

Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your father and your mother,
especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me,
right here, right now!

Emcee, in a party: The next song is the favorite song of my best friend, and
neither do I!

Posted in an establishment: None ID, nothing entry.

Teacher: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
Student: Miss may s yon
Teacher: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!

Two lousy-in-english friends talking to each other:
Friend 1: Am I raining outside?
Friend 2: Not yet. Sprinkle only.

In an awards night, presentor goes: And the winner for Best Comedy Show is
Okay Ka, Pare Ko! of IBS channel 13. (huh? anong show at channel daw?)

Alma Moreno, in her show introduces Nora Aunor who comes in late:
Finally, please welcome, the late Nora Aunor.

Koenji
05.10.15, 10:59 PM
Si Amparing ay ang pinamagandang dilag sa kanilang baryo kaya't marami ang nangliligaw sa kanya.
Isa na rito'y si Tibo. Sa gabi ng pag-akyat ng ligaw niya, masinsinan s'yang kinausap ni Amparing.
Pakinggan natin:

Amparing: Alam mo, Tibo, sa lahat ng nanliligaw sa akin, ibang-iba ka.

Tibo: Ha!? Totoo? ... (excited) ... eh, baket mo naman nasabi 'yun?

Amparing: Kasi sa lahat ng nanliligaw sa akin ... ikaw lang ang walang pag-asa! ;D



http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/bukaspalad/laugh.mp3

vannie
05.10.16, 08:49 AM
Best of the Best Beauty Pageant Boo Boos


Impressed na ako kay Precious whazzername,
pero naalala ko na uli 'to ha ha

Host: What was the very first gift that you gave to
your girlfriend?
Male Contestant: Uhmm...taptoy.
Host: What taptoy?
Male Contestant : Taptoy na teddy bird.
(Tap it, tupid! Tutubuan ako ng pangil nito e.)

Host: What's your ideal age for marriage?
Girl: Uhm, uhm, I am not sure....
Host: Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl: Uhmm. more. (Crowd booing... ) Sige, Sige.
Less, less....
(Or na lang, kung di ka makapag-decide)

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you
bring him to showcase the beauty of the
Philippines?
Girl: Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's beautiful.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
(Nasa Ifugao na ba ang Bocaue ngayon?)

(From Little Miss Philippines)
Host : Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?
Girl : Maging lalaki po!
(At least kahit bata pa lang siya alam na niya yung
orientation niya)

Host: What is your best feature?
Girl: My graduation feature.
(Related kaya siya kay Erap?)

Host : So tell us, why did join this contest?
Girl: Me, join this contest, why did I. Thank you!
(Eto naman yung autistic na pamangkin ni Yoda)

Host : What do you want to be after you graduate?
Girl:I want to be a successful medicine.
(Ay, medicine? Duktor, ayaw mo?)

Host : Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag
itong boob tube. Ano ito?
Male Contestant : BRA!
(TV ang boob tube, kapatid, o kaya idiot box. E,
ikaw)

Host : What is your favorite motto?
Girl: If others can't why, why can't I!
(Why nga ba?)

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Girl : Please come back.
(Puwede na siya sa Department of Tourism!)

Host :What is the one thing that symbolizes
happiness for you?
Gay contestant: (Stops, thinks and then smiles.)
EGGPLANT PO!
(Palakpakan po!)

Host: What is your typical day?
Male Contestant:I think Saturday po!
(Nag-think pa siya!)

Host:Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant: I believe na bilang isang
bading......ano nga po ulit yung question?
(Mukhang hindi ability to listen well ang
advantage niya)

Host:What is your favorite motto?
Girl: (Long pause) I don't have a motto eh. (The
crowd starts chanting, "Time is gold! Time is gold!)
Girl:I have na po. Chinese gold!
(Eto pa ang isa)

Host :If you were to describe the color blue to a
blind person, how would you do it?
Girl: That's a very good question. Keep it up. (The
girl turns and walks away.)
(Wow, pare, astig sumagot!)

Host : So, you're vegetarian, what is your favorite
vegetable?
Girl: I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what's
that? KALABASH?
(Umuwi na dapat to at nagtanim ng kalabash)

Most: What is your motto?
Girl: Actor! (Everyone starts laughing.) Aay,
actress pala.
(Di rin.)

Host : What is your edge over the other
contestants?
Girl: My edge.... 23 years old.
(May edge nga siya.)

Host: What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for
marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
(QA siguro to, masyadong strict)

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
(Malamang siya sa tech support sobrang literal.)

Host : If you were given a special power, what
would it be?
Girl: Power of Attorney!
(Malayo mararating nito!)

Host: What is the biggest problem facing the youth
today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
(Ayos, puwedeng-puwede maging role model!)

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Gay Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because
what is naked is essential to the eye!
(Palakpakan po!)

Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant: Testicles!
(Palakpakan po uli!)

Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how
did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What
do you think of me, did you walk?
(What you did you ride, jeep or taxi?)

Koenji
05.10.31, 05:25 PM
Some Jokes during Halloween ...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

Why don't skeletons go out on the town?
Because they have no body to go out with.

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

What do you call two witches living together?
Broom-mates.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand-witch.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building

Why was the skeleton frightened to cross the road?
Because he had no guts.


How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a bat.

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A grave problem.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

NikNoK
06.03.02, 01:53 PM
Ang Kamandag ng Ahas!

Ahas 1: makamandag ba tayo?

Ahas 2: Ewan? bakit mo naitanong?

Ahas 1: Nakagat ko kasi dila ko kanina eh?

ROFLMAO

bouie
06.03.03, 06:16 PM
Girl: I'll give my heart to the one who can use the words LIVER and CHEESE in a clever way.

American: Would you like some LIVER and CHEESE with your salad, dear?

Australian: My LIVER and CHEESE are more scrumptuous, mate!

Pinoy: LIVER alone! CHEESE mine!

hehehe... Sino kaya pinili nung girl? ROFLMAO

BP_fan23
06.10.16, 10:18 AM
heres mine:

Anak: Tay, Pahingi ho ng limang Piso bibili lang ako ng CHUCHERYA..
Itay: Anak Ilang beses ko na sinabi sayo hindi chucherya hindi chucherya..... sige eto bili ka ng CHISKeRR

tara
06.10.24, 04:01 PM
We were having our choral recitation practice when I noticed about a dozen pimples on my face. I was used to having pimples, but not as big as the ones I had at that particular time. I was horrified when I saw that my shoulder had huge zits, too! I was so bothered, I excuse myself to go the school clinic. I had the school physician check my pimples. I even told her embarrassingly that I’ve never had such bad skin before. The physician, trying hard not to laugh , calmy told me they were not pimples but a bad case of chicken pox! Oops. Everyone around us kept suppressing their giggles!

Jon2
06.11.23, 05:19 PM
Best exams, EVER!

Word History
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

Astronomy
Define the universe; give three examples.

Medicine
You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Computer Science
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, create a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Public Speaking
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

Civil Engineering
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Mechanical Engineering
The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Electrical Engineering
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the Philippine social spectrum circa 1640. Prove your thesis.

Religion
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Music
Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Logic
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Chemistry
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may
begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. Translate all quotations in Tagalog.

Sociology
Identify the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Economics
Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression.

Mathematics
You have 60 seconds to mentally solve the mathematical problem below. Begin.

8,256.091 + _________ - ________ x ________ ¸
________ = -38.07623

(Bonus question: Why is 11 not pronounced onety one? Provide a full numerical analysis in justifying your answer.)

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Art
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Metaphysics
Describe in detail the nature of life after death. Test your
hypothesis.

Philisophy
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Alexander
07.01.28, 09:35 AM
FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on a shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"


Note:

A HEARSE is a funeral vehicle, a conveyance for the coffin from e.g. a church to a cemetery, a similar burial site, or a crematorium. In the funeral trade, they are often called funeral coaches.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearse (http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&start=1&oi=define&q=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearse&usg=__6qRr6aW8-93cG_3z4X95x_vJJmA=)

rodge
07.01.29, 01:21 PM
i was a member of a choir a long ago. then suddenly there are no sacristans to assist the priest so i've volunteered funny thing is i don't know when to kneel, what to give first and last, but ringing the bell was not a problem because i always see when the bells ring.. the first thing i wasn't sure when to kneel but i was kneeling when all the parishioners are standing.. i could see the faces of my choir members grimmings... waah...:(

Junilo
07.02.07, 12:14 PM
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Maria.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Maria to prick Mr. Lopez boil ! ''

Bonnie
07.02.10, 10:08 AM
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Bonnie
07.02.10, 10:11 AM
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

jose
07.02.28, 11:57 AM
awitin para mas effective! (peace po dun sa last 2 songs :V: :) )

The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston -
I decided long ago,
never to walk in edu manzano...
(I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's
shadow)

Cry by Mandy Moore -
A walk to remember... it was late afternoon!
(I'll always remember, it was late afternoon)

All My Life by K-ci and Jojo -
Supposed to be you're like my mother, supposed to be you're like my
sister (close to me you're like my mother... close to me you're like
my sister)

Where is the Love -
People killing, people flying, children hurt and living, crying...
(People killing, people dying; children hurt and you hear them crying)

Leaving on a jet plane -
so kiss me and SMAFFLE me...
(so kiss me and smile for me...)

Usher & Alicia's My Boo -
It started when we were younger you were NINE...
(It started when we were younger you were mine)

Usher & Alicia's My Boo (again!) -
...and you were my BEYBLADE... it started when were younger you were
FINE... hehehe...

If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys -
some people want TAMBOURINES...
(diamond rings)

Britney's Baby One More Time -
My ONLY NEST is killing me... and I......
(My loneliness...)

Thumbthumping (Chumbawumba) -
I get knocked down by an elephant, my mommas's gonna bring me down...
(I get knocked down, but I get up again...)

Crush by Jennifer Paige -
i-splash, a little crush..
(it's just... a little crush...)

Red Hot's Californication -
Viva Californication...
(Dream of Californication...)

No scrubs, TLC -
A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fine but is also known as a BUS STOP
(buster)

Waterfalls by TLC -
Don't go JASON waterfalls...
(Chasin')

John Mayer -
You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND... You're
ALICE IN WONDERLAND I'll use my hands
(Body is a wonderland)

Baa Baa Black Sheep -
Baa baa black sheep, heavy on the road...

With A Smile by Eraserheads -
Lift ur HAND... baby don't be scared... of the things that could go wrong
along the way...
(HEAD!!!)

Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin by Kitchie Nadal -
Maaaaaaaaaag... magdamag mong
sasabihin........

Two-trick Pony by Sandwich -
I have been waiting for you all night under the glow of INSECENT LIGHT
(...under the glow of YOUR SATELLITE)

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men:
Oh God give me the
reason, I'M DOWN... ABANDON ME...
(I'm down on bended knee)

Red Hot's Zephyr Song:
Fly away on my CELLPHONE... I feel it more than ever
(Fly away on my zephyr, I feel it more than ever)

Kaldero ng diyos na nag-aalis...
(Kordero...)

AND FINALLY........


Soul of Christ... sat beside me...
(sanctify me! )

Jon2
07.02.28, 08:25 PM
old man: "doc, i'm 95 and my 18 y/o wife is pregnant!"

doctor: "let me tell you a story about a hunter who, instead of his gun, brought an umbrella in the jungle. he met a bear, aimed his umbrela, pulled the trigger and the bear dropped dead."

old man: "impossible! somebody else must have shot the bear."

doctor: "exactly!"

Alexander
07.03.01, 05:20 AM
bwahahahaha.... that's a big laugh jon2. LOL

Alna_lou
07.03.01, 10:23 AM
Funny & True Pinoy Signs Found While Traveling

No parking and repair here - sign on a house beside a car repair shop

Taxi and outside cars not allowed - sign at a parking lot

No Crossing Pedestrians will be apprehended. - sign at Philcoa

Sorry for the inconvenient. - typical roadwork sign

Your taxes is working. Temporarily close. Yet another typical roadwork sign

Slow Men at Work - PLDT sign

Please help our comfort room clean. - sign at a self-service restaurant in Cebu

Fresh frozen chicken sold here - sign in a Baguio grocery

Welcome to the only Catholic Country in Asia! Beware of pickpockets - sign near a Church

None ID, nothing entry - sign at construction site, Cubao

No trispassing. If you trispass, you will be biten by d?dog. - sign in Tondo

now showing- the carpenters - on a sign outside a construction site

Jojo's Beauty Salon, for man and woman - on a billboard in Pampanga

Barya lang po sa umaga - sign in jeeps

Johnny's, the Fried of Marikina - they sell tasty fried chicken, guess where?

Petal attraction - pangalan ng isang flower shop

"...experience is needed but not required.."- sa classified ads

This one is not in Pinas pero pwede na rin siguro: A church sign in front of the priest's reserved parking space: THOU SHALT NOT Park Here!

Maruya Carey, BananaramaCue - sa menu signboard sa Potato Corner kiosk sa Greenbelt

Actual store names in Metro Manila believe it or not:

Ali Baka (Shawarma)

Anita BakeryActual store names in Metro Manila believe it or not:

Beefer 150 ( Meat Shop )

Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )

Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )

Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )

Doris Day And Night

Elizabeth Tailoring

Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )

Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )

Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )

Labo Optical

Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )

Meating Place ( Meat Shop )

Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )

Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )

Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )

R. Maramot Leasing (A Batangas Co.)

Saudia Hairlines ( Beauty Salon )

Scissors Palace ( Barber shop )

Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )

TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka

The Way We Wear ( Boutique )

Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )

MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )

Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )

Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )

Pizza Hot ( Pizza Place )

Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )

I saw this bakery in Project 6. It's called Bread Pitt.

My friend saw a sign infront of a 7-11 Convenience store being built. It says "sorry for the inconvenience"

Lito...Lapida Maker!

King Tuckee's Fried Tsiken....

Jullibee's wonder Chicken...

Cheeny's Roasters...

"original 1935 pandesal for sale" - A pandesal shop in aurora boulevard

"cinavon" -- with matching cinema film type logo laundromat

Mang Donalds - burger shop in pasig town proper

Cooking ng ina mo - on a carinderia

Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across cooking ng ina mo

We make modern and antique furnitures - along a highway in Pampanga

On the Ofc door of Atty. Domingo Carriedo fr. Cebu: the sign says, Notary Public Tumatanggap din po ng labada tuwing Linggo.

bajo
07.03.01, 10:49 AM
showbiz naman:

Eh ano naman ngayon kung may HOPE si James? Mas una naman nagkaroon ng PHILLIP si KRIS? GOVERNMENT WARNING: Cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health!

jose
07.03.01, 11:29 AM
alna lou, eto pa:

in Congressional Avenue:
"Parking for Costumers Only"

a resto, guess where:
"Caintacky Fried Chicken"

a lumpia shop in Makati:
"Wrap and Roll"

butcher shops:
"Meating Place" and "Meatropolis"

at a resto in Baguio:
"Wanted: Boy Waitress"

on a highway in Pampanga:
"We Make Modern Antique Furniture"

on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan:
"We Shoot You While You Wait"

on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue:
"Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier"

a shoe store in Pangasinan -
"We Sell Imported Robber Shoes" (these could be the "sneakiest" sneakers)

a rental property sign in Jaro, Iloilo:
"House For Rent, Fully Furnaced" (it must really be hot inside)!

at the ticket booth in the ferry pier in Davao City:
"Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation. "

two competing shops selling hopia:
"Holland Hopia" and "Poland Hopia"
owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively- -(believe it or not)!

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because ". . .we are a country where a good sense of humour is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors."

hehe...peace!

jose
07.03.07, 10:30 AM
Dayalogs en Aders:

Pang-alis ng Lumbay

Home version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire:
Husband: dear puede ka ba ngayon?
Wife: di puede pagod ako!
Husband: is that final?
Wife: FINAL!!!!
Husband:ok, can i phone a friend?!?

***********************
Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME!
Pag British naman: PARDON ME!
Pag Espanol: EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR!
Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot!

***********************
Loveliness through the years

1950s-Iniirog kita.
1960s-Iniibig kita.
1970s-Minamahal kita.
1980s-I love you.
1990s-Tara sa kwarto.
2000s-Pwede na rito.

***********************
ERAP
Erap went to Starbucks...
Erap: isang kape nga!
Waiter: decaf po ba?
Erap: (mad) aba syempre, alangan naman de
plato!

***********************
Tumatakbo si ERAP galing computer room na
sinusundan ng staff:
"Sir bakit ka tumatakbo?"
Erap: Tatakas ako, sabi kasi ng computer
'press Ctrl then Escape'.

***********************
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin
mo bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo
pare hinog na.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.

***********************
FVR: Erap may gift ako para sa'yo galing pa sa India !
It's a 10 ft.snake.

Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo naman ako eh, 10 ft?
Hoy di ako ganon ka tanga! Ang snake walang
FEET!

***********************
Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka
sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!

***********************
Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers
are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that 's very flattering but where's
'fuera'?
Student: Fuera ka!

***********************
PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American salary,
British home, German car, Chinese food, and
Pinoy wife!

PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British wife,
German food, American home and Pinoy salary!

***********************
Letter to OFW dad:

"Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi
tobleron ang baon sa skul. ung nike suot na ni jr. next
tym wag ka na padala NIVEA MILK. di nila type pait daw,
ako tuloy ang umubos."

***********************
MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?

MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!

MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko?

MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

***********************
IDD call from US:

HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?

WIFE: dept store na!

H: ang tuba-an?

W: KTV bar na!

H: and mga tri-bike?

W: taxi na!

H: ang dalawa kong anak?

W: LIMA na!

***********************
sweethearts watchin' da sky...

GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?

GIRL: anong huruskup?

GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.

GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

***********************
TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate
it in tagalog?

PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?

TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.

PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?

***********************
DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang
almusal dito ay alasais empuntu!

MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako
sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal!

***********************
SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:

1. birds of the same feathers, are the same birds

2. do not do unto others what you can't do

3. an apple a day is not an apple at night

4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone

5. if others can do it, don't help

6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine

7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon

8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay may naglalaba

Yun lang po...peace! LOL

Alexander
07.04.09, 05:23 PM
Joke time muna tayo. LOL

Complete Version

Dad: Anak bili mo ko ng softdrink
Anak: Coke o Pepsi
Dad: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular
Dad: Regular
Anak: Bote o can
Dad: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o Litro
Dad: Bwisit tubig na lang
Anak: Natural o Mineral
Dad: Mineral
Anak: Malamig o Hindi
Dad: Hampasin kaya kita ng walis
Anak: Tambo o Tingting
Dad: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o baboy
Dad: Layas!
Anak: Ngayon na o Bukas
Dad: Ngayon na!
Anak: Hatid mo ko o Hindi
Dad: Patayin kaya kita!
Anak: Sasaksakin mo o Babarilin
Dad: Babarilin!
Anak: Sa ulo o sa tiyan
Dad: Peste!
Anak: Ipis o Daga
Dad: Ahh leste ako na ang bibili
Anak: Ingat dad.

jose
07.04.10, 10:00 AM
mga ilang kakornihan:

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang
ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala
ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Q:Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman?

A:Wala na kasing Medium! Napansin mo, fit masyado, di ba?

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito
sa bahay! Simula ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na
rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV
ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh
mga bata, Mirinda na!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa
kasi nagpari?
Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre
ako! Bruha!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon
sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Use "Bampira" in a sentence!

Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang
syang nakatitig sa
bote ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

Jon2
07.05.08, 07:46 PM
There were three friends: students from school A, school B, and school C
(so, you know this story is fictional). Anyway, everyday, they meet for lunch and ate their sandwiches.

A: Putek! Peanut butter sandwich na naman? Sawang-sawa na ako dito ah! Pag bukas, peanut butter sandwich na naman ang baon ko, magpapatiwakal na ako.

B: Darn! Roast beef sandwich again! I am sick of this already! If I get another roast beef sandwich again tomorrow, I am gonna shoot myself.

C: Oh, my gosh, grabe! Ham sandwich is my baon again! I am so sawa with this sandwich na, ha! If my baon tomorrow is ham sandwich again, I am gonna drive my CRV over the cliff.

The next morning, they again met for lunch, and, alas, they had the same sandwiches again. Student A went back to his dorm, pulled out a belt, and choked himself to death. Student B went home, got a gun, and shot himself in the head. Student C drove his CRV off a cliff.

During their funeral, their mothers were interviewed:

mother of A: Kung sinabi niya lang sa akin na ayaw niya na nang peanut butter sandwich, eh di sana hindi na yun yung pinabaon ko sa kanya.

mother of B: If he had told me that he did not want roast beef anymore, I would not have given him roast beef.

mother of C: Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit siya nagpakamatay, eh siya naman yung gumagawa ng sarili niyang sandwich.


*wag tularan... pag ito ang baon niyo, sabihin na lang sa akin.. Ako ang uubos!

jose
07.05.09, 10:04 AM
hahaha jon, bakit mo pinalitan yung characters? haha...

Jon2
07.05.09, 04:55 PM
heheheh... ikaw ha, jose...
o heto pa. kakatanggap ko lang na text message kanina:

nagluluto ang mag-ama ng tanghalian...

ama: ilang sili ang nilagay mo sa sisig, anak?
anak: mga 115 piraso po 'tay.
ama: o sige, gawin mo ng 120 tapos kainin mong mag-isa. buset!

*****
doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo ang nagbigay ng pangalan.
girl: e me pagka - tang* yun . ano ipinangalan sa mga anak ko?
doc: sa babae e denice...
girl: aba! ok yun. e sa lalaki?
doc: denephew...


bwahahahahah!

inday25er
07.05.09, 07:09 PM
Ako rin may joke!


Bata: Pabili nga po ng ubas.
Tindero: Wala kaming ubas.

Kinabukasan...

Bata: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas.
Tindero: Wala kaming ubas.

Kinabukasan uli...

Bata: Mama, pabili po ng ubas.
Tindero: Sinabi nang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!

Kinabukasan...

Bata: Mama, may stapler kayo?
Tindero: Wala.
Bata: Pabili nga po ng ubas...

Hehehe :)

inday25er
07.05.10, 12:13 AM
May isa pa'kong joke!

Aso 1: Pare, sabi nila ang laway daw natin may rabies, at ang rabies daw nakakamatay...
Aso 2: Tapos, ano problema?





Aso 1: Nalunok ko kasi! Kinakabahan ako talaga...!!


Nyehehehe :D

kateri
07.05.10, 02:33 PM
Q: Why did God create man first before creating a woman?!?!


A: Of course, because it’s always good to make a rough draft first before making a MASTERPIECE!

***peace po sa mga kalalakihan :)

~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~0~~ ~~~~~


Man: God, how long is a million years to you??
God: a second…

Man: How much is $1,000,000 to you?
God: a cent…

Man: Can I borrow a cent??
God: Wait a second! :)

bolenski
07.05.11, 01:46 PM
eto po sa akin...

teacher: sino sa inyo gusto pumunta ng langit?
lahat ng estudante, nagsitaas ng kamay except santiago
teacher: Oh santiago, ayaw mo bang punta ng langit
santiago : Maam, kasi sabi ni nanay uwi daw ako maaga.

Bonnie
07.05.17, 03:44 PM
Try nyo to, hehehehe:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed swine" retorted the lady idignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spell a 'Mississippi'."


Hehehehe. Ciao!

kateri
07.05.17, 05:35 PM
di po ba jamaican men un? try it with a jamaican accent kuya bonnie! :D

Bonnie
07.05.17, 09:04 PM
Ganon ba? sigurado kang jamaican yon, hehehe. anyway, here is another one.

A man was getting into the shower just as his wife was finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rang. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself
up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
you $800 to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about
her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

hehehehe, Ciao!

inday25er
07.05.18, 12:50 AM
May joke uli akooo! Huling hirit bago ko itulog. My all-time favorite corny joke!


Inday: May joke ako. Ano ang 1+1?
Petra: 2?
Inday: Mali! 3!!
Petra: Ha? Pano nangyari yun?!
Inday: Kaya nga joke e! Hahaha..!!



Hahaha!!

Goodnight sa lahat!:D

Jon2
07.05.18, 03:34 AM
sa bakery:

pulubi: palimos po ng cake.
ale: bah, sosyal ka! namamalimos ka lng, gusto mo pa ng cake. heto pandesal.

pulubi: di po pwede kasi....





...birthday ko ngayon.

:nice:


*ate inday, yung sinend mo sa akin kanina e syang nagpasaya ng araw ko. hehehe... i am sharing it here.

Bonnie
07.05.18, 09:03 AM
Eto pa isa :

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
>masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Ciao!

inday25er
07.05.18, 09:06 AM
Awww, that's good to know kuya Jon2.:) Isa pa!

Bobo 1: Pare, ano ang 1+1?
Bobo 2: E di 5!
Bobo 1: Hahaha!
Bobo 2: O, bakit ka tumatawa?!
Bobo 1: Kala ko di mo alam e!


Hwahahahaha..!!:ecstatic:

kateri
07.05.18, 09:16 AM
Ganon ba? sigurado kang jamaican yon, hehehe.

ewan ko lang po pero sa txt ko po nareceive un dati...

eto po isa pa:

you'll never know what you have till it's gone...and once you lose it, you can never get it back...












-message ng snatcher sa quiapo!



- nag-eenglish pa ang hayop!

inday25er
07.05.18, 06:10 PM
you'll never know what you have till it's gone...and once you lose it, you can never get it back...









-message ng snatcher sa quiapo!


- nag-eenglish pa ang hayop!




Hahaha, ayos ka kateri! *Sumakit bagong-tahing gums ko sa katatawa!!


Haaay, I love this thread...:love::love:




*binunot na yung wisdom tooth ko; hindi na'ko wise. LOL

kateri
07.05.18, 11:33 PM
love ko din po etong thread na 'to..hehehe...

btw, diba magkabila naman ang wisdom teeth natin, edi wise ka pa din kse isa lang naman ata ang binunot..hehe...sori po at sumakit ang gums mo...:surrender: (peace!)

Jon2
07.05.19, 03:12 AM
mabentang mabenta talaga mga jokes dito.
heheheh...

*kateri, thanks for the snatcher's message. super hit sa office yan.

Bonnie
07.05.19, 08:18 AM
Maria a beautiful latina fell in love with Jose.
She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy
about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another.

Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, " Maria ortra vez there's trouble still.

"You can not marry Ricardo, mi hija. please don't tell your mother, But Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to your Papa."

Ciao!

inday25er
07.05.20, 03:47 PM
Sa classroom...

TEACHER: Lahat tayo nagmula kay Adan at Eba.
STUDENT: Ma'am, hindi yan totoo! Sabi ng mama ko nagmula tayo sa unggoy!
TEACHER: Iha, di natin pinag-uusapan ang pamilya mo...



Ahahaha...!! ROFLMAO

Bonnie
07.05.20, 08:25 PM
Heheheh, eto sulat ni tatay!

Minamahal kong anak,



Medyo mabagal akong mag type ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang magbasa. Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili na bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpapalit ng address.


Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa. Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi FOR DRY HAIR kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.


Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay YALE, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng YALE, wise yata ito!


Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa dahil medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga botones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga botones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.


Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor .


Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao na under sa kanya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod. Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie.


Isa pa nga pala, babalik ako diyan sa Oktubre pero naguguluhan ako. Di ba yung Victory Liner, BLTB Liner, Pascual Liner at Alfonso Liner ay mga depasaherong bus, eh, yung Panty Liner bus din ba yun? Saan ang Terminal nila? At saka nga pala, me nag-interview sa akin diyan at nakalimutan kong banggitin sa iyo taga Magandang Umaga Bayan daw siya at nakunan ako sa TV ang tanong sa akin ay ano raw sa salitang english ang Kulangot. Di ko nasagot.... ikaw anak alam mo?


Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.


Love,

Tatay



P.S.

Maglalagay sana ako ng pera kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope.

Next time na lang ha..

kateri
07.05.21, 09:26 AM
*kateri, thanks for the snatcher's message. super hit sa office yan.

i'm glad you liked it :nice: eto pa po isa, medyo luma na nga lang...

In a classy bar:

GERMAN: waiter, remy martin, single!
FRENCH: waiter, carlo rossi, double!
PINOY: (ay, magpapakilala pala bago umorder..)
waiter, pedro magdadaro, married!:P

jose
07.05.21, 09:56 AM
hahaha...kateri naalala ko yung kwento ni amen at ni pedro habang nagko-communion:
Pari: katawan ni Kristo
Amen: "amen"
Pari: katawan ni Kristo
Pedro: "pedro"

hahaha...

*binunot na yung wisdom tooth ko; hindi na'ko wise. LOL

hahaha... nice one inday!

btw, diba magkabila naman ang wisdom teeth natin, edi wise ka pa din kse isa lang naman ata ang binunot..hehe...

hahaha... kateri, half as wise na lang si inday nyan, hahaha...

Maria a beautiful latina fell in love with Jose.

wow! really?! pareng bonnie aherm, san ko ba sya makikilala?hehe...


hahaha...this thread, i'm lovin' it!...dahil siguro kay Maria, hahaha...

kateri
07.05.21, 10:29 AM
oo nga..half wise na lang..hahaha!

e pano po duon sa hindi palumalabas ang wisdom teeth? ano tawag sa amin?

jose
07.05.21, 11:24 AM
aahh...uhmmm...sige na nga kateri, siret! hehe...

Bonnie
07.05.21, 12:47 PM
Opps, gumulo ang usapan,hahaha, Sige ok lang

Eto naman try natin:

3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window.

When they landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a woman who was crying too for the same reason.

Then they met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.

kateri
07.05.22, 09:58 AM
aahh...uhmmm...sige na nga kateri, siret! hehe...

hmmm..di ko talaga alam eh...pili po kayo:

wise-to be...
almost wise...
will be wise...

LOL

jose
07.05.22, 10:02 AM
gusto ko yung almost wise, hahaha... LOL

hahaha...magulo ba pareng bonnie? ang sarap kasi manggulo dito sa thread na to e, hehehe...i imagine this thread na para bang isang walang awat na kwentuhan at tawanan, hahaha...syempre may mga singit, may gatong, may tanong na walang kwenta at mga biruan...ang kagandahan lang dito, walang pikunan, walang bastusan at walang taklesa, hahaha...kaya kayo dyan, come on let's join us!

Bonnie
07.05.22, 03:10 PM
Ako wise to be, hahaha....

Oo nga jose, favorite ko rin tong thread na to, lagi akong natatawa pag nagagawi dito:

eto try natin:

When Erap was still president, he was dignosed by his presidential doctor to have an abnormally high cholesterol level. So advise nya kay Erap eh "Cut down on red meat and eat healthy, try gulay, para maiwasan ang stroke o heart attack".

"Eh ano nga ba Doc and dapat ko kainin, alam mo namang hindi ako mahilig sa gulay?!!" tanong ni Erap na medyo confused & angry. The Doctor answered "OK para easy to gets, kainin mo lang yung mga hayop na lumalangoy."

"Ahhyun, I'll follow your advise"patangu-tangong sabi ni Erap .

Next week napasyal si Doc sa Malacanyang, at siyempre pa he looked around & asked Erap's Bodyguard kung nasaan 'to just to see his condition.

"Dun po sa may pool Doc." Nang malapit na si Doc sa may pool na-overheard niya si Erap shouting "Sige langoy!!! Langoy!!!". Sumilip si Doc..... laking gulat nya, 'talaga naman, SI ERAP TINUTURUANG LUMANGOY ANG BABOY SA POOL...'

kateri
07.05.22, 06:26 PM
ROFLMAO isa din ito sa mga favorite ko na thread!

Bonnie
07.05.22, 11:17 PM
Eto, pahabol lang, hehehe

Chinese names with meaning:



Chinese born during the night - Andy Lim

born blind - Kenneth Sy

born being swindled - Lino Co

born while cooking - Nilo Toh

born as 10th child - Sam Po

born while being courted - Lily Gaw

born fat - Bob Uy

born unable to walk - Kent Go

born little - Kathy Ting

born with real estate - Lot Te

born different - Eva Yan

born with porridge - Lino Gaw

born looking for someone - Allen Sia

born while counterfeiting - Faye King

born during Sunday - Lyn Go

born with malice - Mali Sia

born angry with someone - Ally Tan

born with picture - Lara Huan

born with sweets - Kent Dy

born undefined - Sam Ting

born while taking a bath - Lily Go

born while buying - Bill Li

born secretly - Tina Go

born ugly - Shiela Yan or Dina Co Yan !

Eto ps na lang to, hahahaha!


Chain Letter for Women Only


This letter was started by a women like yourself in hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy
of this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated.
Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend, send him to the woman
whose name appears at the top of this list and add your name to the
bottom of the list

When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,377
men...one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the
one you already have.

DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. One woman broke the chain and got her own
black eye if i see her back.

At this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men.
They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours
to get the smile off her face.

Hurry up and send this letter along so my name can move up fast.

jose
07.05.23, 09:50 AM
hahaha...talagang hindi pa tumitigil ang mga erap jokes...may mga bagong jokes pa rin na nabubuo,hahaha...

Bonnie
07.05.23, 12:31 PM
eto try naman natin to:

Isang magandang dalaga ang nagpunta sa doctor upang magpagamot. "Doc, masyado pong masakit ang boung katawan ko."

"Hmmmmnnn, boung katawan? be more specific." Bahagyang diniinan ng dalaga ng kanyang hintuturo ang kanyang tuhod, at siya ay namilipit sa sakit, halos di pa nakakanti ng kanyang hintuturo ang kanyang siko ng ituro niya ito sa Doctor at siya ay mapapaiyak sa matinding sakit, ganoon din ang resulta ng ituro niya kanyang ulo, kamay, mukha, paa at iba pang bahagi ng kanyang katawan.

"Doc, baka po kaya mayroon na akong AIDS, O kaya nakulam ako?" "Kung hindi ka ba naman sira. Eh, BALI ang hintuturo mo."

kateri
07.05.23, 12:49 PM
Funny & True Pinoy Signs Found While Traveling


may nakita din ako while walking to buendia from roxas blvd... "WAN WI" written in chalk sa isang black na street signboard..it actually meant one way :)

may bagong receive akong text:

sometimes
emotions
burst
when
it's
tightly
kept


so
if
there's
somthing
wrong
always
remember
that
there
are
three
doors
opened
just
for
you!

mataDOOR

eperaDOOR

fundaDOOR

kweng..kweng..corny...ahahaha

bouie
07.05.23, 02:17 PM
Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko na siya dahil wala namang itinatanim si Erap sa lupang binungkal.

Bantay: Eh, Sir, wala naman po kayong tinatanim eh bakit panay pa rin kayo sa pagbubungkal ng lupa?

Erap:Engot! Seedless 'to.


Bigay lang sa'kin through SMS, hehe ^_^

jose
07.05.24, 09:32 AM
bonnie palagay ko blonde yung pasyente...hahaha.oops! tabitabi po...bakit hindi si erap yung pasyente?hahaha...

yung seedless joke maganda rin e,hehe...o di ba, may mga jokes din na nagpo-portray kay erap as smart,hehe...like yung nag-uusap sila ni miriam? yung tungkol sa P5 pesos ni erap versus P5million ni miriam? ah basta! alam nyo na yung joke na yun! hahaha...

Bonnie
07.05.24, 09:43 AM
Jose, ikwento mo naman, di ko pa alam yon, hahaha.

Bouie, hehehe seedless pala ha. hehehehe.

Ciao!

doods
07.05.24, 03:34 PM
I just want to share this one:


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping out in the desert, set up
their tent and are soon asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend " Tonto,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Tonto replies " Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically it is evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then he speaks "Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent ."

Bonnie
07.05.25, 12:43 AM
Oi pareng doods,

Kakosa mo pala si Lone ranger at si tonton, hahahaha.

Ciao pare.

jose
07.05.25, 10:32 AM
hahaha...parang naalala ko tuloy yung usapan ni timon at pumbaa sa lion king about the stars, hahaha...

pareng bonnie eto yung erap-miriam joke. P5 pesos versus P5000 pesos lang pala, hehe...
Another joke hehe ito.. medyo nakakatawa talaga
Erap and Miriam

The most intelligent "presidentiable"

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

Bonnie
07.05.25, 02:19 PM
hahaha, panalong panalo nga yang joke na yan, hahaha. 5 pesos lang ang katapat, ahehehehe.

Ciao pareng jose.

kateri
07.05.25, 11:06 PM
hahaha..very funny! i love erap jokes!

share ko ulit mga nareceive ko na txt earlier...

a nurse came to visit 3 mental patients
P1-(nagbabasa ng encyclopedia)
N-wow, improving ka! that's good

P2-(nagbabasa ng dictionary)
N-cool! ipagpatuloy mo lang yan

P3-(nakatayo sa mesa with arms wide open) "ako ang ilaw"
N-hoy! bumaba ka nga dyan! bka mahulog ka! wala ka pa din pagbabago...

(naupo si P3 sa upuan)
P1&2-ay, brownout!

+++++++++++

Anak: Tay, may manok sa kusina, tinutuka ang bigas
Tatay: paalisin mo!
Anak: oy manok, alis ka daw!
Tatay: sira! Takutin mo kasi!
Anak: manok, mumu ako!
Tatay: indi! bugawin mo!
Anak: Boss, chix! 50 lang o...

Bonnie
07.05.26, 11:08 AM
hehehe, kateri, wala talagang pagbabago, hehehehe,

eto another eraps joke:

Tanong ni Erap kay Miriam

Erap : Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento?

Miriam : Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya.

Erap : An'tanga mo talaga.

Miriam : Bakit?

Erap : Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik.

Hehehehe.

Kuya G.
07.05.26, 11:27 AM
Hello kateri ang kuya bonnie,

walang katapusang erap jokes, hahahaha:

Si erap at loi sa isang mamahaling restaurant:

Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.

Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?

Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!

Bonnie
07.05.27, 07:41 AM
Eto try din natin:

The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving
into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.
He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,
the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."

A year later its President Erap turn for a state visit
to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing
against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send
people to the prison camps for doing that."

"I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's
the Philippine Ambassador."

jose
07.05.28, 10:22 AM
wahahaha...si erap talaga...

natawa ako dun sa bugaw joke kateri, hehe...ang kulet!

Bonnie
07.05.28, 09:08 PM
Eto try natin to:

Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?

Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.

Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?

Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:

"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"

Kuya G.
07.05.28, 10:48 PM
hehehe, kuya bonnie, kakosa mo siguro si erap ano, hehehe.

kadami mong funny thread ni erap,. hehehehe

manoiskee
07.05.29, 11:50 AM
wish i could contribute a joke kaso di pa ako tapos tumawa sa mga nai-post nyo. nyahehehe!

kateri
07.05.29, 05:57 PM
i'm glad napatawa ko nanaman kayo kuya jose and kuya bonnie. natawa din ako dun sa Philippine Ambassador..pasaway talaga mga pinoy! :)

eto pa po kakatxt lng ng pinsan ko:

dear anak,

naipadala ko na nga pala sa kartero ang Php50,000 na pangmatrikula mo sa skwelahan. Ipinagbili na namin ang kalabaw natin. Ang mahal pala kapag automotive course. Tsaka nga pala, wala na rin tayong alagang mga baboy. Naipagbili na rin namin ng tatay mo para dun sa sinasabi mong project - nokia N70 ba un?? Ang mahal naman anak ng project mo. Kasama din dun ung baon mo na 7,000 para sa recollection mo sa MOA. San ba un? Siguro ang laking monasteryo nun ano?

nagmamahal,

nanay

***kala nyo lumang joke noh? akala ko rin eh..hehehe

Alexander
07.05.29, 07:43 PM
kateri,

Automotive Course na P50,000, baka bibili sya ng kotse.... hehehe
Ano naman yun MOA? mabagal yata ang pick-up ko dun a :D

Bonnie
07.05.29, 09:03 PM
Hehehe, kateri, katuwa naman ng kwento mo, hehehe, automotive course.

hahahaha. Ayos talaga. Alam kong MOA eh Memorandum of Agreement, hehehe. wala ng iba. parang napalayo ata ako ng topic, hahaha.

kateri
07.06.01, 05:53 PM
hehe..kuya bonnie and kuya alexander, ang MOA po ay Mall of Asia (SM Mall of Asia un malapit sa Macapagal)..

sori for the delay in answering your querries..ngyn lng ulit ako naka-visit sa board medyo busy lng sa work...

Bonnie
07.06.02, 09:04 AM
Hahahaha, oo nga pala, MOA, nawala talga ako don, hahaha, palibhasa di ko pa napasyalan yan. nahalata tuloy, hahahahaha.

jose
07.06.04, 10:38 AM
bakit nanahimik yata ang mga jokes natin? hehe...

Kuya G.
07.06.04, 03:09 PM
TEACHER: Lahat talagang ganyan, pag maganda karaniwang bobo. Kapag matalino pangit. Dapat tayong matutong tanggapin un!

STUDENT: thanks ma'am TALINO nyo talaga!

Alexander
07.06.04, 07:02 PM
Hehehe... ok yun a...

Eto naman, joke ko sa DWKC dati....

Use MAMEMIMOMU and BABEBIBOBU in a sentence......

Kid: Mame... mi momu sa kwarto..... (takot na takot)
Mom: Ba bebi bobu ka na duwag ka pa..... LOL

jose
07.06.05, 09:37 AM
hahaha kuya alex, yung mamemimomu alam ko na e pero yung babebibobu ngayon ko lang narinig, haha... btw, nag-dj ka sa KC?

Kuya G.
07.06.05, 11:39 AM
Hahaha kuya Alex maganda yan ah. Bwahaha

Eto naman sa akin:

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin
kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado.
'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?'
Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon.
Ang masama... kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!'

Bonnie
07.06.05, 11:56 AM
Hehehe, humatawa na naman ang joke mo Alex, hehehehe, simple lang, ok din yong joke mo gi, hehehe lalo na yong sa titser, hehehe, simpleng simple pagkakabanat.

Eto try natin hehehe....

DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE

Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!

jose
07.06.05, 03:54 PM
wahahaha...yung wrist band, wahahaha...

natawa ako dun sa masamang balita gilbs, wehehehe... LOL

Bonnie
07.06.05, 08:46 PM
Oo nga pareng jose, kaya nga ipinost ko agad, kasi simple ang joke, hahaha, wristband lang ang katapat. parang yong mamemimomu ni Alex at titser ni Gi, hehehehehe.

Eto try natin:

Question ang Answer portion!


Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and

elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?

Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?

Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

Kuya G.
07.06.06, 10:42 AM
Eto naman:

NO. 1:
Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain.
Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

NO. 2:
Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!

Alexander
07.06.06, 05:39 PM
hahaha kuya alex, yung mamemimomu alam ko na e pero yung babebibobu ngayon ko lang narinig, haha... btw, nag-dj ka sa KC?

Di ako DJ sa KC pero regular contributor ako ng jokes dati on-air.... nabigyan nga nila ako ng DWKC Jokebook dati e.

kateri
07.06.06, 10:21 PM
hello! natawa naman ako sa mga jokes ninyo! :) buti na lang nakabisita ako sa board :)


sabi ng iba "jokes are half meant"
if jokes are half ment then 2 jokes are 1 meant
tapos, pag 4 jokes, bubblegum na!
kasi doublement na! palagay nyo? :)

Bonnie
07.06.07, 10:50 AM
ganon, naging bubblegum na, hahahaha, galing mo kateri, you got me....


eto try natin.

Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
He called his assistant and said

Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.

Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?

Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
gas station.

Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
gas station in downtown L.A.

Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"

Kuya G.
07.06.07, 10:54 AM
Eto pa:

Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

jose
07.06.07, 02:31 PM
bwahahaha...funny funny gilbs, bonnie at kateri...

kats, "doublement" med me lap LOL

bingo
07.06.07, 04:40 PM
eto pa:


isang araw ipinasyal ni pareng jose si pareng bonnie sa reforestation project nila sa china upang ipakita kung gaano ka efficient at napaka organized ang mga intsik sa kanilang tasks. nang may mapansin si pareng bonnie na dalawang instsik, yung isa nagbubungkal ng lupa na may eksaktong sukat na 1/2 meter circumference at 1 meter ang lalim... pagkatapos mahukay ng unang intsik ay agad namang tinatabunan ng pangalawang intsik na kasama ang butas na nahukay ng una. nagtaka si pareng bonnie kung ano ang ginagawa ng dalawang intsik na ito. sabi ni pareng jose sa kanya, "alam mo pareng bonnie, dapat ay tatlo ang mga iyan, absent yung taga lagay ng tanim sa butas na nahukay ng unang intsik pero sa sobrang dedikasyon nung dalawa sa kanilang trabaho ay itinuloy pa rin nilang magtrabaho!"

Bonnie
07.06.07, 07:52 PM
hahaha, ginawan mo kami ng story ni pareng jose, ha, Bingo, hahaha, sobrang sipag pala, hahahaha. Ciao....Napapangiti parin ako sa doublemeant ni kateri, hahahaha.

jose
07.06.08, 10:02 AM
hahaha, bingo! natumbok mo ang ugali ng (mangilan-ngilang) intsik. pero sa totoo lang ganyan sila magtrabaho sa construction site.

Bonnie
07.06.08, 12:52 PM
eto try natin

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

kateri
07.06.08, 11:40 PM
funny ba un o masaklap na katotohanan kuya bonnie? hehehe...

di ko po sure kung dito or sa puzzles and problems thread ko dapat eto i-post pero bka bayaran ako nyo ko ng limang piso (parang si erap) kung dun ko ito i-post..

kasi po may nagtanong sakin...kaya lang di ko talaga kayang sagutin kaya naisip ko kayo. alam kong magaling kayo pagdating sa ganito. kayang kaya nyo 'to..sagutin nyo ha?!

"if you were given a chance, why???"

here's another:

it's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life!!!









---rule sa patintero ;)

Bonnie
07.06.09, 08:03 AM
"Giving the chance , why?" Medyo generalize ang tanong na yan, pero i simple lang natin ang sagot, Ang bawat tao e me kanya kanyang buhay, merong mayaman at me mahirap, siguro dahil sa agwat ng buhay, di lahat ng tao me masayat at masarap na buhay na tinatamasa compared sa iba, lagi kasing me point of comparison, usual na maririnig mo, buti pa si ganito, buti pa si ganon, ntural sa tao ang humanap ng saya at sarap ng buhay, kaya kung me chance na makuha nya to sa paraan akala nya e magiging masaya sya at panatag sa buhay e hihingi sya ng pagkakataong makuha ito.
Pero, meron ding mga taong, kahit salat sa lahat ng bagay ay kuntento na sa buhay, dahil nga mababaw lang ang kaligayahan nila...

yong susunod na tanong mo, pagisipan ko muna. ehehehhe. pero me explanation din yan..

Another erap joke:

Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may
bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit. "Lintek na ibon,
iniputan ako."

"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayona
ang nalipad nila."

jose
07.06.11, 01:48 PM
if i were given a chance? because...i thank you (sabay palakpakan ng audience)...hahaha...

anya
07.06.11, 08:06 PM
One cute Joke for the night: A Filipino sat beside a Russian, and a Cuban in a train. The Russian took out a bottle of vodka, drank a mouthful, then threw it away."Hey, the bottle is still almost full," said the Cuban. "Oh, we have plenty of that in Russia," replied the Russian. Momentarily, the Cuban lit a cigar and after a puff, threw it out of window. Asked why he did that , the Cuban replied," We have plenty of cigars in Cuba." The Filipino, keenly observing the 2 foreigners, suddenly pulled his companion beside him and threw him out of the window " Hey, why did you do that?" shouted the two foreigners. Nonchalantly, the pinoy said,"He is a politician. We have plenty of these in the Philippines". Indeed, we have so many politicians who ran in the last elections. Trouble is only few admits he lost,but claim he was just cheated.>:(

Bonnie
07.06.11, 09:22 PM
hehehehehe, no one admit he lost but said was cheated, hehehehe, talaga naman, kelan kaya magiging malinis ang halalan sating bansa, hehehehe.

eto try natin to:

Humahangos ang aid ni Kaernie dahil
huli na ito sa meeting.

Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
dalawang oras.

Kaernie: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang oras kang nakatayo roon habang
naghihintay ka ng kuryente?

Aide: ganon na nga po.
Kaernie: Bobo! bakit hindi ka man lang umupo.

doods
07.06.13, 07:29 AM
Hahahahha, tama nga naman bat di man lang umupo, hahahaha, parang narinig ko na tong joke na to Bonnie...

Bonnie
07.06.13, 07:40 AM
Pareng doods, buti at nagawi ka dito, diba marami ka ring joke dyan, hahahaha, share mo naman....

Koenji
07.06.13, 11:00 AM
Tatlong BP onliners (kasama si Koenji) ang nag-EB sa McDo sa may Quezon Avenue (hoy, trivia 'yan, ha). Of course nauwi sa misa ang usapan ng tatlo. Pakinggan natin:

BP onliner 1: Alam n'yo d'un sa parish namin, ang daming nagsisimba. 10 minutes lang ang pagitan ng bawa't mass. So after n'ung isa ... tapos 10 mins., simula na agad yu'ng kasunod na misa.

BP onliner 2: Gan'un ... kakaunti lang pala ang nagsisimba sa inyo. Alam n'yo sa parish namin, ang pagitan ng bawa't mass ay 3 mins. lang!! Ganu'n katindi ang nagsisimba sa parish namin.

Koenji: Naku, wala 'yan sa dami ng mga nagsisimba sa amin. Alam n'yo 'yung recessional song ng mga choir sa amin, 'yun na rin ang entrance song para sa kasunod na misa!!

Click here (http://home.hpo.net/gdjgan/bukaspalad/laugh.mp3)para sa sample ng tawa. :)

Bonnie
07.06.13, 12:52 PM
Try nyo to, heheheheh:

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Kuya G.
07.06.13, 01:19 PM
Ganon ha, na kidnap pala ha.....


Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

pat111
07.06.13, 04:48 PM
Merong isang lalaking namatay at napunta sa Impyerno. Pinapili siya ni Satanas kung ano ang gusto niyang parusa. Sa isang kwarto, ang parusa sa mga tao ay tumayo ng patiwarik sa sahig na kahoy, sa isa naman ganoon din pero gawa sa semento ang sahig. 'Ang hirap naman ng mga iyan. Meron pa ba?' sabi ng lalaki. 'Well, merong pang isa doon,' sabi ni Satanas. Dinala niya ang lalaki sa may harapan ng isa pang pinto at binuksan ito. Ang loob ng kwarto ay puno ng mga taong umiinom ng kape habang nakalubog sa putikan.
'Dito na lang ako, at least kahit pa lubog ako sa putik e nagkakape naman ako.'
'Sure ka na ba?' 'Oo' sabi ng lalaki. Ipinasok siya sa loob ng kwarto at narinig niyang kinandado ang pinto. Pero kakapasok lang niya sa loob ng may sumigaw mula sa PA System na nakasabit sa dingding:
'BREAK TIME'S OVER!! TUMAYO NA ULIT KAYO NG PATIWARIK!!'

Bonnie
07.06.14, 09:10 AM
ehehehe, pat, humahataw ka na rin sa joke ah.... eto try ko....


Husband: "Paratina lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

Sa harap ng nursery window;

Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Kuya G.
07.06.14, 09:14 AM
hahaha kuya bonnie! Malupit.

Sige eto naman o.

WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"


May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"

doods
07.06.15, 11:04 AM
ok ah, try nga rin ako...

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Bonnie
07.06.15, 12:36 PM
Surprise gift pala, pareng doods, hahahaha.... na surprise pala., hahahaha...

Kuya G.
07.06.15, 01:17 PM
hahaha kuya doods, yan ang gusto ko sayo nakikilahok ka dito hehehe, wag puro MIDI paminsan-minsan bumisita ka sa thread na ito para makapagrelax ng isip wag puro MIDI hehe. Pag nawili ka dito sa thread na ito tingnan mo at MIDIperensya ka na sa utak bwahahaha.

Sya, sya, sya eto pa naman:

MAKING A SPEECH

While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.

Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?

Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.

Bonnie
07.06.15, 09:50 PM
Ibang klase talaga si Erap laging naniniguro, hehehe, ang galing....

Kuya G.
07.06.17, 08:04 AM
eto, kids daw are smart....

One day a mom and her 4 year-old boy went to the mall..

As the mother went inside a store, the boy starts looking around and knowing he knows how to count numbers he started saying.. "it's expensive" whenever he see's her trying them on he would telll her, "mom that's expensive!"

The mother just smiled.

They went in to one store and another. The mother bought a lot of things while her son keeps on saying its expensive. Then the mother finally got curioused why her son keeps saying it and so she asked her kid.

Mother: (smiling..) "Son that's a big word for a boy like you. Where did you learn it?"

Boy: "from dad."

Mother: (Staring blankly).. And did he tell you what it means?

Boy: "Yes! it means You don't need it."

Bonnie
07.06.17, 11:42 AM
Napapanahon ang thread mo ha Gi, sa mahal ng mga bilihin ngayon, kahit bata e marunong ng magreklamo... hehehehe...

Kuya G.
07.06.18, 08:13 AM
ANOTHER EXAMPLE:

Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?

ERAP: Carabao, ma'am!

Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?

ERAP: How about another Carabao?

Bonnie
07.06.18, 09:04 AM
Hehehehe, another Carabao pala, hehehehe.... ibang klase.

Eto try mo gi...

FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?

ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!

Alexander
07.06.19, 12:00 PM
Pasintabi sa mga PULIS...galing lang sa e-mail ito, yung iba, luma na, pero nakakatawa pa rin :)

REPORTER: Madam President, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, siguro pangulo na siya.
CORY: Hindi siguro. Baka bilanggo siya, kamo.
REPORTER: Bakit naman po?
CORY: Baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: Isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: Meron po. Pulis po ako.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
BETH: Halata na ang tiyan mo a. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: Sinong may ayaw--tatay o nanay?
MARIA: Yung misis niya.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Sa Quiapo Church :
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa ospital.
(Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.)
MRS: Lord, next time huwag niyong ipadaan sa pulis, Nabawasan agad.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
PASSENGER: Manong, bayad.
DRIVER: Saan galing?
PASSENGER: Sa akin.
DRIVER: Papunta saan?
PASSENGER: Sa 'yo.
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: E ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- ------------ -- ------------ - --------
Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
------------ -- ------------ ---- ------------ - ------------ -------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!
------------ ---- ------------ --- ------------ - ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
------------ -- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
------------ ------------ ------------ -- ------------ -----------
3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na kama :
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa lapag na lang matulog. (Bumaba si Tanga 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat kana dito!
***********************
Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo sa tatang mo.
Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong Nivea Moisturing Milk ...
Nagmamahal,
Nanay
***********************
ANAK: 'Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako ng "cocomban".
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman! Hangga ngayong "cocomban" pa rin tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!
********************************
MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na. Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di ako nakauwi!
*****************************

PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid.Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!
************************************
At a funeral...
ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o: "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."
*****************************
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee.
Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko ung libreng asukal. Nakasulat kasi sa karton "SUGAR FREE."
****************************
JUAN: Pare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong puzzle!
PEDRO: Talaga?! Gaano kabilis?
JUAN: 5 months!
PEDRO: Tagal naman!
JUAN: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito: "for 3 years & up"!
****************************

Kuya G.
07.06.19, 04:15 PM
Hahaha kuya alex dami nito ah.

Eto naman:

Changing Gates

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”

inday25er
07.06.19, 07:55 PM
Hahaha, funny stuff kuya Alex! Lalo na yung kay Kris! Hohoho...!! :D

Kuya G.
07.06.20, 08:23 AM
ERAP IN SCHOOL:
Classmate 1: What is 5 plus 4?
Erap: Eh di 9!
Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?
Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!

LAPTOP:
Exec Sec Zamora: Sir, puwede bang palitan 'tong laptop ko?
Erap: Bakit?
Zamora: Masyadong mabigat, eh!
Erap: Ba't di ka mag-delete ng files para gumaan?

Bonnie
07.06.20, 11:21 PM
Nice one Gi and Alex, hanap di nga ako ng mga ganyan.. hehehe.

Kuya G.
07.06.21, 09:55 AM
Hahaha kuya bonnie masaya talaga dito kaya di ko namimiss na puntahan ito.
O eto pa.

Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.
Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?
Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!


Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!

SHAMPOO
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!

inday25er
07.06.21, 12:49 PM
Hohoho, patok sa'kin yung "for dry hair" mo, kuya G! :D Eto naman joke ko:

Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may kasamang lalaki sa kama ...
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!!

reagan
07.06.21, 03:05 PM
galing ng thread na to ha.... hehe... eto...

EuroEnglish

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil sevants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaning "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

inday25er
07.06.22, 12:57 AM
Hahaha, very funny reagan! Nagustuhan ko joke mo! Eto natanggap ko sa email. Medyo mahaba pero natawa rin ako:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

tazmania
07.06.22, 02:51 PM
The More Intelligent Candidate
This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY".
The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates),
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to
a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question
which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam
a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?
" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and
hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references.
She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends.
All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
Letter of Erap to son JV
Dear JV:
Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito
dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang
iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi
ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari
sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero
huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang
address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address.
Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng
kinakabisado.
Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na
washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik.
kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa
naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang
beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules,
yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.

Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw
mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka
na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa
bulsa para hindi mawala.

Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan
last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya
sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang
interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy
nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng
pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na
naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%*
mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na
kaming malunod nuon ah!

Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami
sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre!
Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago
natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate...
masakit.

Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung
lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie.
Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito
na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan
gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang
naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!!
Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?
Love,
PAPA ERAP

P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre...
________________________________________
Call Center
A cub reporter was complaining about the
President's accessibility to the
media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
said it is harder now to get
through the President compared to those days when
he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
yan! In fact they have installed a
very sophisticated telephone system over at
Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
and presto you can talk to the
President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.
IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU
WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS
TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE
HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING
SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,
SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG
NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA
SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!

With the current hostage problem in Jolo by the Abu Sayaf, here
are the mottos of different parties involved in this hostage crisis :
For the Army . . . . . . . "No pain, no gain."
For the Air Force . . . . "No guts, no glory."
For the Marines . . . . . "No fight, no surrender."
For the Abu Sayaf's . . "No ransom, no release."
For Erap . . . . . . . . . . "No read, no write."

Ooops

The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving
into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.
He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,
the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."
A year later the its President Erap turn for a state visit
to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing
against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send
people to the prison camps for doing that."
"I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's
the Philippine Ambassador."
Erap on Golf
Being a new golfer Erap must learn the game's ethics.
If you hit the ball and you are afraid someone may get
hit, it is a courtesy to yell "fore" , not Erap, he yells
"isa" because its just one ball.
He lost count of round's score after 100 strokes, go figure.
Erap settles even scores with a fist fight.
He calls his caddie, "Ka Eddie".
He loves to bet his wife for yours in the round.
He drinks "tea" on tee time.
He considers 10 footer putts as "gimmes".
His favorite hole is the 19th hole.

MODERN INVENTION
Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two.
The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese
asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"
GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien
Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in
zee Berlin."
The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native
language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"
JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan!
Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."
ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and
looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen
closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"
ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!!
ON IMMIGRATION
On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration
area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES
ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to
look for sport props.
The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"
The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi
basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and
finds a bundle of barbed wire.
"Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.
Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's
your excuse?"
ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"


KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)
Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"
DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE
Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
MAKING A SPEECH
While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
ERAP'S DARE
Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!

SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching
the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!".

Q & A AGAIN
Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.


Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6
Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5
Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7
Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but
no progress
Hot News:
Plan assasination for Erap failed.
Erap was shot in the head with
.45 caliber pistol but survived dahil
walang utak na tinamaan.
Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon:
Be careful, Erap is checking all text
messages ngayon. Text in English
para di ma-detect.
Talumpati ni Erap:
"Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na
ang problema natin sa Komunismo,
Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa
Imperyalismo. Ang problema nalang
natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."

MOTTO
Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na
"LATANG PINOY"?
Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating
slogan na "THE FILIPINO CAN".
Di ba mas maganda ngayon?

FATIGUE
Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga
sundalo natin na lumalaban sa
ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay
Erap. Ganon ba? tanong ni Erap.
"Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng
Khaki for a change."

GIVE ME
Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.
FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.
Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too.
PREFERENCE
Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila.
FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?
ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa
nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.

STUCK
Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil
huli na ito sa meeting.
Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
dalawang oras.
Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang
oras kang nakatayo roon habang
naghihintay ka ng koryente?
Aide: ganon na nga po.
Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido!
Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang
umupo.
ANG GANTIMPALA
Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na
maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng
pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang
barko ng bigla itong lumubog.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue
team ang dumating. At ni-rescue
si erap ng isang kabataang lalake.
Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang
gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay
ko sa yo?
Lalaki: wheelchair po.
Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka
naman pilay?
Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng
tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo,
siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.

LOST IN LA
Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
He called his assistant and said
Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.
Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?
Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
gas station.
Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
gas station in downtown L.A.
Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"

ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
"What time does the library open?" Erap on the
phone asked.
"Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea
of calling me at home in the middle of the night
to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
sadly. "I want to get out!"

ERAP VISITING ALASKA
Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong
siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.
Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the
Philippines it's hot".
Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si
Erap,bakit daw.
Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska
is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"


NO MORE
After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.
Erap is asked if he would like another serving.
Erap replies politely: "No thank you. I'm fed up already."

ERAP's PET
A chemical engineer, an accountant and a Erap are arguing about
who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says
"Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker
in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and
pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without
spilling a drop. The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but
watch this.
He calls his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes
to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts
out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking
or eating any.
Erap sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go for it." Coffee
Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump
on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that
in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working
conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on
sick leave.

HIGH TECHNOLOGY ON CELL PHONE
You'd be amazed at the sophistication of this technology! With the
advance in technology, a well-established mobile phone company has
finally come out with a dialing technology that is better than Phillip's
voice-dial. This new dialing technology is known as "brain-dial. "To
make a call, the user will just have to think of the party's nameand
the phone will make the call for the user. During trial test inAsia,
the company decided to let the leaders of the Asian countries to try
out. With the phone on his ear, Taiwan's premier, Lee Teng Hui,try to
call the CEO of Acer by thinking his name and the phone actuallydial
the number.
In Malaysia, PM Mahathir was also offered to be a trial user. With the
phone on his ear, he think of calling his Foreign Minister, within a
few seconds the phone dialed the number for him and they chatted for
a long period regarding Anwar's torture. When the trial test come to
Indonesia, Mr. Habibie decided to use the phone to call his wife, with
this on his mind the phone automatically dialed the number and they have
a long chat.
Finally the phone has been sent to Singapore for Goh Chok Tong. With
the phone, Mr. Goh used the brain-dialing function to call BG Lee Hsian
Yang to persuade him to let Singtel Mobile have the phone to be on the
market for sale as soon as it is released worldwide. With the impressive
trial-test results, the engineers are confident that there are no bugs
in the phone and decided to release the phone on the Asian market.
But after looking at the trial result they felt the Philippines have
been left out. One sunny day, Joseph Estrada was out fishing on his new
presidential yacht, he received the trial-test phone. He decided to call
his first lady Loi Estrada using brain-dialing function, so that he can
boast to his wife that he caught a lot of fishes. He tried the brain-dialing
for half a day but the brain-dialing just won't work. An error message
was displayed on the screen.
Error Message:
SORRY, NO BRAIN DETECTED. PLS. TRY AGAIN LATER.
Tawa naman kayo diyan!

CRYING
Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"

IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap's
wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!

QUIZ SHOW

The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"
Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?
Erap: Clue please !!!
Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"
Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"
Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....
Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...
Emcee: ngyek !!!...

ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?

TESTING
As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......


RANSOM
Submitted by Barok
While having talks with Muslim rebels,
the rebels decided to kidnap and hold ERAP
for ransom.
"Being ERAP the president, we demand $1 Billion
for his release otherwise, we'll behead him.",demanded
the rebel group.
Having a budget deficit, the government negotiators decided
that for the country's good they'll let ERAP be sacrificed.
They think he will understand the crisis.
So the government negotiator said " NO, you can have ERAP."
A few days later, they asked" How about a million not dollars
but pesos."
The government again said "NO, you can have ERAP."
After several weeks the rebel group asked for another talk.
Sensing that they will have ERAP for good, the rebels asked
"How about just get him back."
They government finally accepted because they do not have to
pay any more ransom.
Once back, the reporters asked ERAP, "Mr. President, how come they
let you go without any ransom?"
ERAP said, "They asked my request before I die and I said let me marry
one of your women each day in captivity until the day you'll kill me.
Being president, they said OK that I deserved it. The first day I
married one beautiful muslim woman, the second day another, the third
day another and so on. After 30 days, they said no more - they run out
of women. They were thinking of sending me to Malaysia if no one will
ransom me but the Malaysians said they will invade the rebel's
hideout if they do. So they decided to just give me back."
A reporter asked, "Sir, why not just kill you instead."
ERAP replied, " With my 30 muslim wives, that won't be a good idea."

ORDER
Cofee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.
The man to his left ask for "Coffee and Danish."
The man to his right, "Coffee and English."
Erap, with confidence and pride: "Coffee and Filipino!"


ELECTRIC FAN
Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and
elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?

Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can
you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."

What's the difference between Erap and Magic?
Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.
What's the similarities?
The audience think they're both entertaining.

THE POPE AND ERAP
During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then
Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his
family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of
the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
Commandments."

ERAP SA JEOPARDY
Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"...
Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...

Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas..
ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor ?????
Hinimatay ang Emcee.


TRANSLATION
Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.
"We must strive"
Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.
"We must help others"
Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.
"In union there is strenght"
Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!

COMPARISON
In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.

Update Date August 30,2000
THE DIFFERENCE
FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?
ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!

SUNOG
Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.

STYLE
Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.
"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"
tanong ng reporter.
"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand
for sex, my wife supplies?"
Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"
"Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni
Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.

SEX IN THE MOVIES
Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"
Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex
sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."
KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.

FIRST LOVE
Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:
Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.
BIRTHDAY

Reporter: When is your birthday?
Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
Reporter: What year?
Erap: Every year.

ERAP AND UN
What's UN's favorite drink?
Erap: Of course, 7up, the UNcola.
What's UN official dog?
Erap: Of course, the "UNderdog".
What's UN official Motto?
Erap: Do UNto others, what you don't want others to do UNto you.
What's UN official drink?
Erap: Of course, Kofi Annan.

OBSCENITIES
While in New York city, a Erap bumped a NY Bronx man.
Man: Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".
Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!

THE ORDER
In a Japanese restaurant.
Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.
Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.

THE WIFE
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
"I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
STARBUCKS
ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks
Waiter: DECAF?
ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE

NUTRIENTS
While in a drug store.
Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!

DENTAL APPOINTMENT
The Estrada's ' were shown into the dentist's office, where
Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or
any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

MASAKIT ANG TIYAN
Erap: Doc, ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko.
DOC: Ang ulo, parang tiyan, pag walang laman sumasakit!
DIRECTION
On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to
pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t
ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock."
Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves.
It's only 4:25 by my watch."

PHONE CALL
Doctor: What happened to your ears?
Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and
I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: What happened to your other ear?
Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.

HISTORICAL
ERAP: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo.
Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.
PARE :Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.
ERAP: Hindi, historical talaga, pare.
Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang
inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.

WINNING
Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine.
He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps
putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does
this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says
"Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm
winning!"

NEW BOND
Pierce Brosnan resigned from being James Bond
and was substituted by a filipino actor named Joseph Estrada.
IQ 007, First movie "His Brain Is Not Enough."
Soon to be shown to theatres near you.

LOVE CODE
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love
messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang
gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:

ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should
Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and
natitira...XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
sinulat ang:

XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!

FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries"
order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.

DA
Sa Japanese ang gago o tanga "Da",
Pag masyadong tanga "Honda",
Sobrang tanga "Mazda"
Saksakan ng tanga "Estrada"

ABU SAYYAF TO SERVE THE ERAP'S GOVERNMENT
With the continuing worsening of the situation and
with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Jolo,
the government has seriously considered negotiating
with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the recommendations made
in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and
hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve
the government.
Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his
Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended that
Erap start hiring Muslims and commission them to
head up the government agencies. Initially, with
their qualifications and experiences, the following
will be assigned to the these agencies of the
government:
Dept. of Justice - Abu Gado
Dept. of National Defense - Abu Rido
Dept. of Finance - Abu Nado
Dept. of Social Welfare - Abu Loy
Bureau of Customs - Abu Tan
Phil. National Police - Abu Sado
Dept. of Tourism - Abu So
Dept. of Health - Abu Lario

ERAP AND ST. PETER
Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang
pintuan ng langit?
Ito ang nangyari:
SAN PEDRO: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang
malaking susi)
ERAP: Erap po
SAN PEDRO: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titingnan
ko ang pangalan mo sa aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng
libro).
Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa pintuan ng langit
kung masasagot mo ang isa man langsa tatlo kong
pagsubok.
ERAP: Opo.
SAN PEDRO: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa
isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"?
ERAP: Today and Tomorrow.
SAN PEDRO: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may
pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa. Ito ang pangalawang
pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year?
ERAP: Syempre 12!
SAN PEDRO: Ha! Bakit 12 lang?
ERAP: Kasi po, di ba maroong Jan 2nd, February
2nd,etc.
SAN PEDRO: (Medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait
lang talaga ako, kaya siguro naman masasagot mo na
itong huli kong tanong. What is the name of our
Creator?
ERAP: Eh di, si Harold po.
SAN PEDRO:(Muntik ng mabatukan si Erap) Sige
nga, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit Harold ang sagot mo.
ERAP: Kasi po, sa tuwing nagdadasal ako, ganito
po.
"Our Father "Harold" be thy name....."
(Kaya hanggang ngayon kasama parin natin si
Erap.)

WHAT IS III
NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga "PIP"
ang tawag sa kanya eh!

A text message are now roaming around saying:
"Mr. President, the people
are JUETENG for you to resign !!!"
"Does that mean VP Gloria Macapagal - Arroyo
is President in Jueteng?"

GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of
fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of
wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation".

NEWS
NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was
shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na
tinamaan.

BALANCE
An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.

NAMES
An Erap's pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and,
while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother
of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should
know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for
you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not him! He's not really all
together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter
Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

TEXT JOKES I
This is the text mesage going around:
ATONG pa ANG inaantay mo MR.PRESIDENT.
The people are "JUETENG " for you to resign.
Hindi mo MALULUCIOTAN ITO. NACHABIT ka na!
Kabayan ipasa ito para makarating kay ERAP.
Bakit ang SARAO naging SARADO?
Kasi mahina ang driver ng JEEP ni ERAP.
NALUCIOTAN NA, NACHABIT PA.

THE DOG
As a boy, ERAP went to school everyday with his dog.
But later, they had to separate and ERAP went to school alone.
WHY ? BECAUSE THE DOG GRADUATED.

SPEAK OUT
IF ERAP COULD ONLY SPEAK HIS MIND,
HE WOULD BE "SPEECHLESS"

CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
ACQUITED
SEER to LOI: ERAP will not finish his term.
He will be killed.
LOI was shaken , then composed herself
before asking: WILL I BE ACQUITED?

COFFEE
Pumasok si ERAP sa Starbucks.
ERAP: Coffee please.
Waiter:Would you like your coffee BLACK?
ERAP: H m m m, WHAT OTHER COLOR DO YOU HAVE?
SEASONS
Teacher to ERAP: Name the 4 seasons.
ERAP : KNORR , MAGGI, A1 AND TABASCO

KASI
GUEST: Sarap ng luto ng Misis mo!
ERAP: Kasi mayroon siyang "URINARY SKILLS"

HOLIDAY
SEER to ERAP; you will die on a holiday.
ERAP: which holiday.?
SEER: ANY DAY YOU DIE WILL BE A HOLIDAY!


VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP:
CLINTON: What do we do?
YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.
ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST.
SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN!
ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?

TOOTHPICKS
Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.

"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente.
"Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles,

wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."


ERAP'S WORDS OF WISDOM

If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
If others can do it, don't help anymore.
Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.

Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.


USE SENTENCE AGAIN

"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y
estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.

VIOLATION
Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang may ginagawang di naisnais
sa office niya.
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"

GASOLINA
Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan
kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas
dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba
ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at
susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng
kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."

BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.

"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong
din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"


HOMELESS

"Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang
interviewer kay Erap.

"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."

"Ano po 'yun?"

"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."

PREDICTION
Madam Auring's Text Forecast;
Good News: Erap will resign.
Bad news: Jinggoy will become President.
Worse news: Jude (his other son, rumored to be gay)
will become first Lady.

PAREHO SILA
Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.

"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng
babae.

"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.

"I love to make love to a girl" paliwanag ng tomboy.

Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho
tayo ng hilig!"

SATAN AND ERAP
Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal -- you will finish
your term, but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Teka muna (Just a moment), what's the catch?

INSURANCE
Loi: Mahal, Ikinuha kita ng insurance (My love, I got you an
insurance policy).
Erap: Anong klase (What kind), life insurance?
Loi: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta mo pag namatay ka (because
that is where you will go after you die).

WARNING
Vatican warned Sin that he will go to hell while Erap will go to heaven.
Why? 'Cuz when Sin talks, people sleep. When Erap talks, the nation prays.

ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang
presidente.

"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.

"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.

"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.

"Ano yata Lactacyd."


Q AND A
Q: How does Erap say "Fuck You All" to the Filipino people in Tagalog?
A: "Malinis ang aking konsyensya" ("My conscience is clear," his favorite refrain
when aked about the latest scandal to hit him)

Q: Bakit ayaw mag-resign ni Erap? (Why doesn't Erap want to resign?)
A: Kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino ia-address ang resignation letter niya.
(Because he doesn't know to whom to address his resignation letter).

MAAWA
Di na kayo naawa kay Erap. Di na kayo nahiya. Wala na kayong nakitang lokohin
kungdi siya. Di ba ninyo alam na hulog siya ng langit? Una nga lang an ulo kaya tanga
(You have no pity for Erap. You have no shame. You can't pick on anyone else but him.
Don't you know he is heaven-sent? Except that he was dropped head first)

LEARN MORE JAPANESE
You are a liar: Dongpunokane (a play on the palace spokesman, Dong Puno)?
Masyado kang sipsip (you're too much of a boot licker): Miriamkane
(a play on Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago)?
Lasenggo, sugarol, mataba, magnanakaw, bobo, etc.: Erapkane?

ACT III
Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center.
Pagkatapos
ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap.

"Tara na."

"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.

"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng
program
sa
asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"

AIR PRESSURE
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang
sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya
lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi
ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang
eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.


POPULATION GROWTH

"Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang
babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa
ibang
tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun at huwag natin
palapitan
sa lalake !"

GUARANTEE

Erap: Before the end of my term, I guarantee that the dollar-peso exchange rate
will be one dollar is to one kilo of peso.
NEWS
News Flash:
Similarity between Marcos and Erap: Both have AIDS. Marcos's AIDS: Acquired
Income Deposited in Switzerland. Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.

HARD AT WORK
Mga Kabayan: (1) Our beloved President can always be found (2) hard at work
with his Cabinet, without (3) wasting the country’s resources on cronies. He never
(4) thinks twice about helping our countrymen, and he (5) decides firmly on political
matters. He has absolutely no (6) vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound
(7) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be (8) classified as a
high-caliber leader, the type who can’t be (9) dispensed with anytime. PS: Read only
the odd-numbered lines.
CRISIS
The crisis in America is that they still don’t have a President.
The crisis in the Philippines is that we still have a President.
COLOR
Another: Marcos was in red. Cory was in yellow. Ramos was in blue.
But Erap is in peach.

LEARN NEW FOREIGN WORDS
"ERAP" in different languages:
Japanese -- Haritanga (king of the dumb);
Chinese -- Tatai-jueteng (father of illegal gambling)
Arabic -- Ali Bobo (stupid)
African -- Akimpa Yola (the payoff's mine!)
German -- Dapat Ousten (he shoud be ousted)
French -- Vo Vous (another play on bobo, or stupid);
Indian --Talsikh Nhatin (let's get rid of him).


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!
ERAP WIVES
LOI - Lady Often Insulted.
GUIA - Girl Using Intimacy for Advantage.
LAARNI - Lamang sa Ari-Arian kaya No Imik
(she bested the rest in amassing the
estate, so she's silent and contented).

JUETENG
Q: If Loi is First Lady, ano naman si Guia (What is Guia)?
A: Lady in jueteng (illegal gambling, with jueteng pronounced like "waiting").
Q: Ano naman si Jinggoy (What is his son, Jinggoy)?
A: Anak ng jueteng (son of illegal gambling, a play on a Filipino cussword).
Q: Ano naman si Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (What is Vice-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)?
A: jueteng (illegal gambling) and hoping.

NOT SURE
I'm not sure what life could bring you
I'm not sure if dreams come true
I'm not sure what love can do
But I'm very sure about one thing: YOKO K ERAP
(I don't want Erap, in short message service lingo.)

ELECTORAL COLLEGE
"That's one way we are efficient in this country.
It's their electoral college which is the trouble.
Look at me, not even college, yet I'm president!" the ERAP said.
YOUNGER
Erap is thinking what to say to Bush if ever he gets elected.
"If (George W.) Bush should win, I should congratulate him
for looking so young...By golly, when he was vice-president
of my idol Ronald Reagan, he already had white hair."

ERAP CAN'T HIDE
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bummer day on the day
that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first
person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the
gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man, "Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to
my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
my wife obviously having an affair....but her lover was
nowhere in sight. Immediately I began
searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me
as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so
great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
"OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said,
"Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
The man said, "You're not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger
tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up
on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
push his refrigerator - of all things - off the balcony. It falls the
25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
"Very well sir," the Angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Estrada
comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like
the day you died.
"Estrada replies, "Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERAP
In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at the Ateneo de Manila.
And that school was filled with darkness and chaos because of him, so they
expelled him.
Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA,
ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they
loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born. And it was so, in the evenings
and mornings of his second decade.
And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights,
celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all
shapes and sizes." And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said,
"Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name
shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it." And the starlets begot him
children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention,
and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good. And it
was
so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.
Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the
earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said,
"Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and
thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do." And so
then Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who
opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they
did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no
one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.He ruled like a lord in his fief,
and saw that it was good, very good. And it was so, on the mornings and
evenings of his fourth decade.
And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and
jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining
example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry
for tomorrow I will do it again." And it was so.
But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god
went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo. And Da Apo
died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow,
Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to
this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries.
And he raised his fist and shook it against the Yellow President and her
cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU! (Balang araw, ako ay
maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And
the earth trembled at his oath. And for a time there was some progress in
the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the
huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO
KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!" And the masses, like sheep to the
laughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper
English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses
love!" And it was so.
And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the
enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in
Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who
was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god'
buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let
him, and he relented.
Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-dachis were
appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of
ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam'
king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of
Ilocos Norte, his widow, Imeldific a senator, while the daughter of 'god'
became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.
And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath
were James Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling)
of the Board of Censors Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo,
mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the
opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.
Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with
unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper,
the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and
spurious charges of tax evasion. And the Gokongweis apologized and
withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that
crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"
And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. he SAL (statement of
assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or
blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by
this right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second
language I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain
drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of
revenue jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).
And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of
Malacanang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli
German's ex-wife, Baby; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage
with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the
hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is
punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino
funds; the Imelda Marcos'pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr
tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the sons of
Freddie Webb (Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre) and Dolphy's son for
arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother
and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.
And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after
6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of
Erap,his eraptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still
being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).
Thus endeth this gospel (for now).
EDITOR'S NOTES:
Some people say it's funny and others say not. Judge for yourself.

KAIBAHAN NI ERAP AT NI ADAN.....
Si Adan, kaibigan ni Lord,
Si Erap, kaibigan Druglord.
Si Adan, asawa si Eba,
Si Erap, asawa Eba-iba.
Si Adan, natukso ni Eba,
Si Erap, natukso sa pera.
Si Adan, wala pa nuong alam,
Si Erap, hanggang ngayon walang alam.
Si Adan, bibo,
Si Erap, bobo.

CLOCK
In heaven, every one has a lie clock.
Every time you lie the clock
moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved.
Lincoln's clock moved only twice.
ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan.
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.

PRESIDENT
Americans are complaining they still have no President.
Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"
------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.

WHITE CHRISTMAS
Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.

Translation:
"MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".

PRAYERS
ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY
KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.
Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - "
IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"
LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.
"LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.

HAIL
Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF
Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!

SACRIFICE
ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper
which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go
and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.
ERAP CLAPPED! ! !
QUIZ
Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena?
ANS: An ali"GAY"tor.
LIBRARY
ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I
have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters.
LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !

DEMOCRACY
Erap's definition of democracy:
Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people.
BRO. MIKE
Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor.
SACRIFICE
Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only
one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making
sacrifice. Erap clapped.

ERAP'S MI ULTIMO
Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios
El parte de jueteng wala na
Mi compadres lords nabuking na
El mansions mi queridas envistiga
Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.

NASA PISO
Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.

AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL
Caroling time:
He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you've been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress' sake.

NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL
Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi
ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.
Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.

PRESIDENTIAL UPDATE
Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes.
Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts.
BANANA REPUBLIC
Q: Why is the Philippines called a banana republic?
A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.
IQ CHECK
Q: Why can't Erap resign?
A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.
NEWSFLASH
Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He
just stepped down . . . . . . . . . . . .
from his jeep!

SECRET
A man entered Malacanyang Palace and shouted: "Tanga si Erap 3X. He was
convicted and was sentenced for 2 months in jail for oral defamation and 20
years for revealing a government secret.
GOOD AND BAD
Good news: Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power.
Bad news: Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.

LORD'S PRAYER
Erap and Jueteng Lord's Prayer:
Gambling father who art in jueteng
Hakot be thy name; Thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in
Wack Wack as it is in San Juan.
JUDAS
Nagkita si Erap at si Judas sa hell.
Judas: Bakit lakad mo pare, tagilid?
Erap: Putris na Singson yun! Kung magdala ng pera, isang bag
na panay papel at iyong isa puro barya!
USAPANG WET
Tawag sa basang pintura - wet paint
Hitsurang basa - wet look
Nabasang underwear while sleeping - wet dreams
Presidente na basa na ang papel - Wet Teng Lord
Q AND A
Q: Why does Tessie A. Oreta love to accept bribes?
A: Because she loves her brother Ninoy so much, she enjoys
looking at those P500 bills.

13
Joseph Estrada's name contains 13 letters.
He is the 13th President, has 13 kids and with an IQ of 13.
Erap's impeachment was proposed on October 13.
Articles of Impeachment were sent to the Senate on November 13
and Erap will resign on December 13.
ED'S NOTE: Not true, he's stil there.
LEGACY
Erap's legacy to the Filipino people . . . .
May mga members ng El Shaddai ang galit na galit na kay Erap
kaya nagtayo sila ng bagong grupo laban kay Erap.Tinawag nila itong
. . . . . ERAP SHALDIE.

PLEA
Erap’s Ma: Maawa naman kayo kay Erap. Masyado naman siyang kawawa.
Cory Aquino: Bakit naman?
Erap’s Ma: Kasi nuong nag-aaral pa siya, hindi siya nakatapos.
Ngayong Presidente na siya, hindi pa rin yata makakatapos.

HAPPY
Reporter: Mr. President, how do you keep all your women happy?
Erap: Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.

ATONG ANG
Heard that Erap, Chavit and Atong Ang are coming up with a movie. "My Best
Friend's Jueteng."
PILOT
PAL pilot before landing: Mr. President, we have begun our descent to NAIA.
Please fasten your zipper and return Weng to her upright position.
ANG TAWAG
Q: Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano ang kay Erap?
A: Eh di kubrador.

CHRISTMAS CAROL
Christmas carol for Erap, sung to the tune of ‘‘You Better Watch Out.’’
‘‘He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you’ve been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress’ sake.’’

Meanings of ERAP:
Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak

First Metro Manila Impeachment Film Festival
1. "SUGATANG PUSO"
Kuwento ng isang pangulong sugatan ang puso dahil ipinagkanulo ng kanyang
matatalik na kaibigan.
Kuwento rin ng isang Unang Ginang na may sugatang puso dahil makailang ulit
na pinagtaksilan ng babaerong asawa.
STARRING: Joseph Estrada, Luis Chavit Singson at Loi Ejercito.
2. "TANGING YAMAN" (subtitle: 'TANGINA, ANG YAMAN!)
Kuwento ng isang presidenteng gumamit ng alias upang maitago ang kanyang
1.2 billion pesos na ilegal na yaman sa isang bangko. Sa isang
kapana-panabik na eksena sa pelikula, buong tapang na tinanong ng private
prosecutor ang Presidente: "Mr. President, itong 1.2 billion pesos lang ba
ang inyong... tanging yaman?" "Oo," sagot ng Presidente. "Tangina, ang
yaman!" sigaw ng prosecutor.
STARRING: Jose Velarde (aka Joseph Estrada) and Mario "I haven't slept for
the past 24 hours, Your Honor" Bautista (as the private prosecutor)
3. "SPIRIT WARRIORS"
Kuwento ng isang matapang na grupo ng mga kababaihan--2 bank managers,
first VP ng isang bangko, isang accountant, isang sekretarya, at isang
senior VP ng bangko (ang "surprise member" ng grupo)--na kumalaban sa isang
malignong "mahilig"--mahilig mambabae, mahilig uminom, mahilig sa mansyon,
mahilig makipagkaibigan sa iba pang maligno, mahilig mangolekta ng tong
mula sa jueteng, at mahilig magdeposit ng ilegal na yaman sa bangko gamit
ang isang alias.
STARRING: Emma "Iniinom po ang iced tea, hindi kinakain, your Honor!" Lim,
Menchu "Magkaibigan po kami ni Yolanda Ricarforte, your honor!" Itchon,
Annie "Memorized ko ang account numbers, your honor!" Ngo, Edelquin
"Ricaforte's our biggest depositor, your honor!" Dantes, Shakira "I' m
still single, Your Honor!" Yu, Clarissa "I was one foot away from the
President, your honor." Ocampo, and Joseph "Hindi ako 'yun!" Estrada as the
"Malignong Mahilig" aka "Bad Spirit".

4. PING LACSON: COMFORT GAY (to be released internationally as "CODENAME:
MARKOVA")
True to life story ng isang pulis na matinik sa wiretapping. Para
makapag-espiya at makaganti sa kanyang mga kalaban, pumayag siyang maging
comfort gay.
STARRING: You know...
- To be continued

- Continuation
In the heyday of his popularity.
Erap was asked whether he felt great affinity with America’s embattled Clinton.
"Why?" Erap was said to have inquired.
"Because both of you have sex problems," the inquisitive reporter persisted.
"I don’t know about Mr. Clinton," Estrada was reported to have replied.
"I’ve got the sex, but he’s got the problem."

5. SUGATANG YAMAN
Part 2 ng "Tanging Yaman". Tungkol sa mga mansyon ng mga kerida at iba
pang yaman ng Presidente na pinagdududahan ng buong bayan.
STARRING: Joseph Estrada and a cast of thousand keridas. Special
Participation: Imelda "may blood clot sa utak" Marcos bilang patron saint
ng mga taong may tangi-nang yaman (na ilegal).
7. DEATHROW
Kuwento ng isang presidenteng inimpeach at bumagsak sa deathrow. Sa isang
madamdaming tagpo, sinigawan ng presidente ang Diyos: "Lord, hindi ko po
ginawa ang mga ibinibintang nila sa akin! Inosente po ako! Tamaan sana ako
ng kidlat, kung nagsisinungaling ako!" Pagkasabi niya nito, hinataw siya
ng Diyos ng kidlat. Ayun, tigbak siya agad. Happy ending para sa lahat!
STARRING: Alam n'yo na 'yon!
6. SUGATANG YAMAN (Triple-X version)
Ang kaisa-isang Triple-X-rated movie sa pestebal. Tungkol sa isang Unang
Ginang na nabaliw dahil sa pagtataksil ng asawang presidente. Para
makipaghiganti, pinutol ng Unang Ginang ang ari ng Presidente, tinadtad
ito, ginawang bopis at kilawin, at ipinakain sa mga kerida ng Pangulo.
Tigbak ang Pangulo dahil naubusan ng dugo at ang mga kerida dahil na-food
poisoning. Maaacquit
ang Unang Ginang dahil nag-plead ng temporary insanity. Ang ending ng
pelikula ay tatatak sa alaala ng mga manonood: may extreme close-up ng
Unang Ginang. Tapos, sabay bitaw siya ng dialogue na: "Nasa akin pa rin ang
huling halakhak! Hahahahahahahaha!" Ang temporary insanity ay naging
permanente na...
STARRING: Dra. Loi "Ako? Martir?" Ejercito, at ang "Apat na Sikat" (aka
"Las Kulakadidangs")--Guia Gomez, Laarni Enriquez, Rowena Lopez, at Joy
Melendres (in no particular order). Siyempre, mawawala ba ang kanilang
leading man, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Asiong Salonga".
TANGKILIKIN ANG PELIKULANG PILIPINO!
MANOOD NG METRO MANILA IMPEACHMENT FILM FESTIVAL!
LABAS NGAYONG PASKO HANGGANG... KELAN PA?!

LOTTO
"If you win the lotto, what would you do with the money?" Erap was asked.
"I will use it to buy Malacañang Palace," he answered.
"Bakit, sir?"
"Para hindi nila ako mapaalis doon."

TULA NG MASA
Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin, hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.
Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik si Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.
Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo,
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan, pati si Manero.
Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.
Sabi ni Erap, walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan...
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.
Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.
To be continued .....

TULA NG MASA - continuation
Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang, ang mga mamayan.
Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.
Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling-wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero, at uto-uto.
Habang si Erap ay kanilang ginogoyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ng mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.
Erap, hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.
Erap, sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa 'yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!
.....KapitanKidlat
GOOD AND BAD
Good news: With the appointment of Edgardo Angara as executive
secretary, Joseph Estrada will next step down as President.
Bad news: He will be replaced by Jose Velarde.

Noong bata pa si erap... ang palayaw niya ay TA NG...
Isang araw, hinahanap si TA NG ng ina niya...
Ina: TA NG, nasaan ka na?
Kaibigan ni TA NG: Hoy TA NG ina mo hinahanap ka...
Erap: Bakit mo ako minumura, ga go ka ha...
at nag away ang dalawang magkaibigan...
THE END...

ISANG PLATITONG MANI
Dumalaw si erap sa bahay ng isang mahirap at matandang lola.
Erap: Oh masarap ba ang tsokolateng binigay ko sa inyo.
Matanda: Opo. Salamat po.
Nakita ni erap ang isang platitong mani sa lamesa at kinain agad
habang nakaharap sa kamera para ipakitang kinakain nya ang pagkain ng mahirap.
Erap: Naku naubos ko ang mani, pasensya na ho kayo lola
Lola: Naku, okay lang ho prisidinti, nasipsip ka naman na yung tsokolate dyan.
Erap: Aba, okay naman pala eh.

Similarities between Erap and Brother Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor

ATONG'S RELATIVE
Erap to the press: I just learned that Atong Ang
has a relative in the Senate.
Press: Really? Who is it?
Erap: Her first name in Chinese is ‘‘Bu.’’

PLEA FOR ERAP
pls lang patawarin nyo na si erap tulad na pagpapatawad
ninyo ke prisidinti marcos at kanyang family.
Magtulungan tayong itayo ang negosyo ni erap para sa mahirap.
Dahil marami ang umaasa sa lintik na huweteng na yan.
Pls lang okay. Sige, kakantahan
ko kayo...dahil sa yo...

ERAP'S PRAYER
Gambling father
who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan.
Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my trespasses
As you
And if I am led into temptation
Deliver me from conviction
For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever
ahem.
Response:
Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming kulasisi mo.

Erap's Mi ultimo Adios
Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
Los mansiones de mis queridas ini-imbistiga
Mis amigos de la Camara el ultimo pagasa.

HULING PAALAM
Ni Joseph "Jose Velarde" Estrada
(Pasintabi kay Dr. Jose Rizal)
Adios bayang aking pinagnakawan,
Paalam bayang binusabos ng aking mga kaibigan.
Mutyang dinusta't hinalay ni Atong Ang.
Aalis akong batbat ng puna't kahihiyang
Isinabit ni Chavit, alang kwentang tsokaran!
Sa malawak na lansangan mula Edsa't Mendiola,
Sambayanang galit ay nag-aalsa na,
Sumisigaw silang ako'y mag-resign na
At kung magmamaugas ako'y sisipain nila
Sa kangkungan pupuluting tila mabahong basura.
Akoy namamaalam upang dilira ay mapawi,
Sa bayang ito na sobra nang sawi.
Baka sakaling ekonomya'y makabawi
Kapag nawala na mga barkada't kroni,
At mga kalaguyong kagaya ni Laarni.
Simula't sapul akoy may simpleng pangarap
Kuwarta't babae, mga mansion ako'y makakalap
Kaya naman lubos-lubos aking pagsisikap.
Walang inatupag kundi ang pangongotong,
Sa huweteng at two-ball, Abu Sayaff at kuratong.
Kaya nang nahalal na maging pangulo,
Tinipon ang barkada, kakosa't kalaguyo
Tuwing hatinggabi sa pag-uuntugang baso
Tampok sa usapan paano mapagkwartahan
Buwis sa tabako, negosyo at pasugalan.
Ngunit lintik ka Chavit, bakit mo ako isinabit-?
Himutok ng dibdib lalong naging masakit
Nang nabistong si Atong pala ay nangupit.
Programa ko sa pabahay tuloy ay nabisto
Di sa mahihirap, kundi sa mga kabit ko.
Pa-impeach-impeach pa kayo, 'nong akala n'yo?
Sa senado kaya kayo ay mananalo?
Sa impeachment trial di kayo nakasisiguro
Gaano man kabigat ng saksi ng prosekyusyon
Alang kwenta lahat pagdating ng resolusyon.
Labing-isang senador nasa aking panig!
Kung gusto'y pangalanan ko pa aking mga kabig:
Si John at Tessie na lisa ang bibig,
Tig-sangmilyong balato, ayos na ang buto-buto
Alang kaduda-duda kung kangino sila boboto.
Naririyan si Miriam, aking pambato,
Hindi umuurong kahit na kangino, '
Huwag lang sindakin ng biglaang demo.
Si Manong Johnny Enrile at bataang Honasan
Mga kakamping lagi kong maaasahan.
Si Niki Coseteng na umalis kunwari,
Tulad ni Tatad na sa partido koy bumatsi
Ngunit yan ay bahagi lamang ng panlalansi
Sina Kit at Niki tiyak sa akin papanig
Sa katotohanan ay hindi sila makikinig.
Kay Tito Soto ay tiyak-tiyak na ako,
Kay Ka Blas ay hindi rin ako kabado,
Kay Ramon Revilla, itaga n'yo na sa bato.
Si Jawo ang dapat na bantayan ng kalaban.
Kapag nag-three point shot, tapos na ang laban.
Yang impeachment ay para ring sugalan,
Numero lamang ang pinaglalabanan.
At sa numero't sugal kami ay namber wan,
Tiyak na tiyak ako sa aking labing-isa,
Kahit na anupamang gawing balasa.
Ngunit ang aking lubos na ikinakaba
Ay ang lansangang dumadamba.
Protesta ng sambayanan patuloy na rumaragasa
Sigaw ng mamamayan dapat ay mag-resign na,
Patatalsikin kapag di kusang bumaba.
Nasaan na kayo mga dati kong kasangga?
Ano't iniwan akong nagdurusa?
Atong Ang, nasaan ka hayop ka?
Pareng FPJ, parang awa mo na,
Saklolo Danding, Tan, Maceda, Imelda at iba pa.
Kaya bago abutan ng bayang nagngangalit
Baka sakaling pupuwede pang makapuslit.
Paalam masang aking pinagtaksilan,
Paalam sa bayang pinangakuan ko ng kasaganaan,
Bakit kasi kayo naniwala sa aking islogan?
Paalam na rin sa iyo Loi, aking namber wan
Alam ko namang tiyak na ako'y iyong iiwan.
Jinggoy, Jude, JV, mga anak sa loob at labas,
magpaalam na rin kayo.
mga kroni, kakosa, kainuman, kasugalan, kalaguyo
Pare-pareho na tayong pupulutin sa kangkungan!

ERAP TIDBITS
Bakit daw malaki ang utang ng na loob ni Miriam Santiago kay Erap?
Kasi, nangako si Erap na tutulungan si Miriam na hanapin sina Crispin at
Basilio.
Umamin na raw si Erap na siya si Jose Velarde... pero hindi naman daw
siya si Joseph Estrada...

Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila
Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office. The film is
entitled "Tanginang Yaman."
FPJ: Erap, mukhang mako-convict ka sa impeachment trial
Erap: Di bale, trial pa lang yan, di pa naman final.


THINGS I LEARN FROM THE IMPEACHMENT
MEANING OF IMPEACHMENT
I - impeach
M - my
P - pareng
E - erap
A - and
C - company
H - hudlom
M - magnanakaw
E - everything
N - no
T - thing
LEGAL TERMS

1. DUCES TECUM - Documentary Evidence
2. AD TESTIFICANDUM - Witness as summoned
3. FACTUM PROBANDUM - Proven Fact
4. IMFACTA SANITARIUM - Miriam Santiago

PUZZLE
sabi ni erap kay loi, honey tignan mo yung puzzle na binuo ko ang ganda
ano? sabi naman ni loi ang bagal mo namang binuo yan, umabot ka nang 6
months. mabilis na nga yun eh,tignan mo itong kahon nakasulat 3 to 6
years, oh di ba ,di ang bilis ko.. (3 to 6 years old ang gagamit erap)

M & M

galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..

THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Renato de Villa’s days as executive secretary are numbered.
President Macapagal has decided to abolish the position.
‘‘I don’t need a Little President,’’ she said. ‘‘That’s me.’’
SHOWBIZ
Who are today’s top show-biz stars?
Nora Aunor—Superstar
Vilma Santos—Star for All Seasons
Sharon Cuneta—Megastar
Maricel Soriano—Diamond Star
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo—Twinkle, twinkle little star.

TOO MANY
A joke, delivered by Mr. Estrada at a dinner for the APEC Leaders:
US President Clinton approaches Mr. Estrada during the summit to confide that he
has a problem.
''I brought 50 security people with me and I don't know which of them is an assassin,''
Clinton says.
Overhearing Clinton's dilemma, Chinese President Jiang Zemin joins the conversation.
''I have the same problem,'' Jiang says. ''I have 60 security people with me and
I don't know which of them is a spy.''
Mr. Estrada is unimpressed. ''I think my problem is more serious,'' he says. ''I have
100 economists with me and I don't know which of them is right.''


MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES
This incident happened long before Estrada was thrown out of office.

President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"
"Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you," replied Estrada.
"I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Estrada.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bill.
"Yes?" said Estrada.
Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and
at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner
of Philippine Prophilactic.
"I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them
to the White House."
"Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and
4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE- SMALL' ."

ANOTHER GLORIA JOKE
When she first stepped into Malacañang Palace, President Macapagal recalled her
childhood days there when her father, Diosdado Macapagal, was the President.
"I grew up here," she said.
"That’s not true," quipped an old member of the Malacañang household staff.
"She never grew up."

ERAP'S RESIGNATION lETTER
Erap's Resignation Letter (J)
Repablic of The phillipines
Oficce of the President
January 20, 2001
Dear Pilipinos,
I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were
pointing accusations to me. As par as i know, my consience is
clear, all of thier accusations are very wrong. I have no direck
involvement on jueteng, i never violating any constitution lawses
and i never corrupted the goverment. All of my wealth came from my
gambling winnings, the boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio
Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 ball.Kaso
ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may
parte din naman sya eh.
Okay, okay i have many lots of girls around in me, well what can
i do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right?
It was indeed very alarming for my family because they think
what will happened to them if i was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng
pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude?hindi pa nga sya
natatapos sa sex transplant nya, pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex
van kay Mickey Ferriols para pambile ng mga gamot nya. Lintik na Loi to,
pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta.Buti pa si Laarni nasa
Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport
papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, wala
kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, meron ba nun?
Colored tapos black and white ang background, gods must be crazzy !
Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makakapambabae nyan,
pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil maaubos na yung
perang binigay sa kanya ni Singson.
Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA people power na yan,
nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng ED Angara,
okay lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign kasi di pa sya sumusweldo sa kin,
wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos, mawawalan na sya ng trabaho.
Pinabubuksan ko na nga sana yung second envelope, para wala ng
problema kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie, wala naman syang alam kung
ano ang laman ng envelope na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps
nya pag nagbo-ballroom kami. Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni
John Osmena yun na naka-bikini, nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture
din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo
noong shower party ni Jackie.
Ang mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank noong nag-open
ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at
syanga pala, kasama din doon yung tinatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam,
tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira-ulo
papanig ba sakin yun.
Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumligtad
yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya.Ibubulgar ko
yong pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuah nya sa KURATONG-BALELENG.
So I resign as the president of this republic of the
pihillipines.This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.
Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway:
Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong,
Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa
naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo hanggang dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong
mag-shoot.
Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo
ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money!
Afredo Lim! di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e,
ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo.. kundi balakubak!
Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka! kundi ko pa alam. type mo lang
si Mikey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA.
Bong Revilla ! totoy gwapo ah..pwe! ang laki naman ng tyan mo!
ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado.. may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto!
At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.
Paalam...
Kay Josephine.. anak din naman kita.. kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.
Kay Cardinal Sin...mabitay ka na sana!
Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamukha sya ni NINOY.
Kay Annabel Rama... ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang hollywood talaga.
PS: pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa casino ni pareng lucio
erap11: more Impeachment Text Jokes

NEW BANK ACCOUNTS
Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank.
Jinggoy's under the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another
owned by Jude under the name of JOSIE Velarde.

INTERVIEW WITH ERAP
Reporter:Ano po ba ang misis at mistress?
Erap:Misis ang maybahay.Mistress ang may mansion.
Reporter:Mr. Erap, accused ka daw for anti-labor?
Erap:Sobra na sila!Ako pa ang anti-labor!? E, mga anak ko pinag-labor ng mga nanay nila!
Reporter:Mr. Erap, sa ngayon what do you want to happen dito sa pilipinas?
Erap:Alam mo, madami yan. Pero the #1 an gusto ko mangyari ay ......................................... mapalabas ulit yung Rosalinda.
Reporter:Dumadami ang mga allegations laban sayo, any reactions?
Erap:Walangya! Ipakulong ang mga allegators na yan sa zoo!
Reporter:Any last words before ending the interview?
Erap:Ofcourse! Thanks for the billions... este, billion thanks pala!


ERAP GOT DRUNK
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a
constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white
shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.
Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get
him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the
lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will
ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the
Republic?" Erap asked.
The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't
know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin." Sponsor

PARACHUTE
Nagka-engine trouble ang sinasakyang eroplano nina Erap at FVR kaya binigyan sila
ng tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.
Dahil sundalo at sanay si FVR sa ganito, pinauna niyang tumalon si Erap. Tumalon
si Erap at nagbukas agad ang kanyang parachute.
Sumunod si FVR, kaso, sira ang naibigay sa kanya at hindi iyon bumukas kaya bumulusok
siyang pababa.
Nakita ito ni Erap at sumigaw siya:
"Ah karera pala ang gusto mo, ha? Teka!" sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute
para maunahan si FVR.


ERAP'S NEW CAREER
ERAP, after his impeachment (because of his meddling into the SEC affairs) decided
to migrate to the USA. He comes to know that cattle farming is big business in US,
so he buys several cows, hoping to breed them for milk, cheese, beef, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the cows are getting pregnant and calls the v
et for help. The vet tells ERAP that he should try artificial insemination.
Knowing ERAP, (he has no idea what this AI means), not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how will he know when the cows are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when
they are pregnant.
After giving it some thought (for few hours or days), he comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the cows. So, he loads the cows into
his truck, drives them out into the woods and being the STUD he is, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, ERAP looks out at the cows and seeing that they are all still standing
around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the
truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex twice with each cow for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The following morning, ERAP cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the cows.
He asks LOI to look out and tell him if the cows are laying in the mud.
"No," LOI says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"

WRIST BAND
Why does Erap always where that wrist band of his?
So he can tell the diffrence between his right hand and left hand.
One day Erap was talking to a friend on his cellular about a up coming movie, when
all of a sudden he fell and broke his arm. He went to the hospital and the Dr. ask
how he broke his arm, Erap said he was talking to his frien on his cellular and
tripped on the phone cord.

when Erap attended the last G-7 meeting as a guest,they were discussing
the future of robotics,when ask if it could help the Philippines,
he answered it is a problem because they keep kidnapping people.

Note: Abu Sayaf's leader is Commander Robot.

AKALA MO
naka duty si erap bilang traffic officer sa isang crossing ng ortigas!
habang nagbabantay sya, may isang lalaki na biglang dumapa at lumangoy
patawid ng kalye kaya ng makita ni erap sinigawan nya ito " hoy! bawal
yan " biglang bunot ng batuta ni erap at umupo sabay sagwan ng batuta nya.
"kala mo makakatakas ka ha "

GLORIA JOKES
One more proof that Erap is no longer president is that his radio-TV show,
"Jeep ni Erap," is no more.
It will be replaced by a new show, "Stroller ni Gloria."
GMA is wear designer clothes by Osh Kosh, shoes by Barbie.
GMA should appoint Sen. Juan Flavier as vice president because he is the only
one she can see eye-to-eye with.
The reason GMA was late in moving to Malacañang yet is because her high chair is not ready.

FOOT
ERAP WAS SINGING AND DANCING WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER. HE GOES "PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN
PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT" SUDDENLY HIS WIFR CORRECT HIM AND SAID NO DARLING YOUR WRONG.
IT'S FEET NOT FOOT. ERAP: OK THANKS. SO HE SING IT AGAIN AND IT GOES "FOOT YOUR RIGHT
FEET IN FOOT YOU RIGHT FEET OUT????!!!!!

Scenario: Erap in a restaurant
Waitress: Sir, are you done?
Erap: No I'm not Dan, I'm Erap.
Waitress: No, I mean are you finish?
Erap: No, I'm a Filipino.
Waitress: (Naku) No sir, what I mean is are you through?
Erap: Ano ka ba! Syempre totoo ako. Hinde ako peke.


(_!_) Regular Ass
(__!__) Fat Ass
(!) Tight Ass
(_*_) Sore Ass
(_E=mc2_) Smart Ass
(_x_) Cute Ass
(_ERAP_) Dumb Ass

Kinds of Minds:
Aristotle: great mind
Einstien: genius mind
Newton: extraordinary mind
Marcos: brilliant mind
Erap: never mind

ERAP'S DIARY
Saturday, April 28, 2001
Dear Diary,
Looks like I will be having more time writing to you. It's been a terrible week, Diary.
Terrible. It's one indignayshun...indignituin....indig...they've insulted me.
Fingerprinte like a common criminal! They took my mugshot like I was an ordinary thief!
Well I'm not! I was....I am...I'm...basta President ako.
Good thing my loyal friends are putting up a fight for me. I can hear them chanting all
the way from the EDSA Shrine. "Sunduin si Erap" hehehe. It fattens my heart.
Nakakataba ng puso. It's been three days since they've put me in this cell.
May aircon nga wala naman mahjong table. Wala din TV. How do they expect me to live
this way? The humiliation! Oh the discomfort! Walang bacalau! Walang red wine!
Malakas humilik si Jinggoy di ako makatulog.
I miss Loi. I miss Laarni. et al. (Hoy hindi bagong tsiks yan si Et al ha...
it means "and all the others." Nalaman ko yan nung nabasa ko yung isinampang kaso
sa akin ng Ombudsman.)
Huhuhuhu...mga walang hiyang abogado yan. Kala ko pa naman magagaling. I thought
they were good. Pati bahay gustong ipa aresto. They want a house arrest. Ang
lalabo nila.
Anyway, I shall sleep and rest. Tomorrow is another day.
Ang pag asa ko na lang ay key FPJ para iligtas niya ako.

VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES
Manoling Morato: Kung nakinig lang kayo sa akin noong nakaraang election, di
sana tayo ganito ngayon. Mas pinili pa ninyo kasi ang BOBO kesa sa BAKLA.
Pinoy Additions to the Dictionary:
Imeldific - 3,000 pairs of shoes
Erapic - pinoy mafia
Miriamic - La Vida Loca-loca
Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank. Jinggoy's under
the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another one owned by Jude under the name
Josie Velarde.

VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES II
After witnessing Miriam go ballistic last Thursday, the nuns held an
emergency meeting the following day and voted 22-0 to revert back the
name of their school. Its back to MARYKNOLL!
Miriam Defensor Santiago in different languages:
Vietnamese: Pha Nget Shah
African: Gha Gha
Hindi: Bibi Lihin
Japanese: Poo Tah
Korean: Coo Rap
Erap: Aba, malaking bituin! Dito na yata ang lugar kung saan ipinanganak
si Kristo.
Man: Nagkakamali po kayo.
Erap: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?
Man: Eh, kasi CALTEX ho ito!!!

Newsflash: Ayaw na daw ng mga babae na magwitness sa
impeachment trial!
Kasi, ang tawag daw sa kanila ni Cong. Apostol ay "MADAM WETNESS"!!!

Newsflash: Maceda & Enrile are plotting a coup d'etat.
Enrile wants to
be president and Maceda First Lady. And John Osme?a wants to be
First Mistress.
.
VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES IV
Mga makabagong mura:
- Si Miriam ang ina mo!
- Anak ka ni Miriam!
- Mukhang Erap!
Si Delia Rajas, COOK. Si Atong Ang, CROOK. Si
Miriam,COOCOOROOCOOCOOK!
Dito sa impeachment trial si Erap maaaring tama. Si Chavit maaaring
tama.Si Ocampo maaaring tama. Si Dichavez maaring tama. Pero sigurado si
Miriam, malaki ang tama!
Now showing: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"
starring: Loren as the The Good, Nikki as The Bad, Miriam as The
Ugly, with special participation of John Osme?a as Pretty Woman.

VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES V
Si Gloria kasalubong si Erap lasing. . .
Erap: Pangit 3X
Gloria: Lasing 3X
Erap: Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo,
pangit ka pa rin.

The prosecution is now after a joint account of FPJ and Erap,
allegedly under the name FERNANDO JOSE.
Jinggoy: Mommy, tingnan mo si Chavit, ang bobo sa math. Paanong
naging governor 'yan?

Loi: Psst! Huwag kang maingay. . . yung Daddy mo nga naging
Presidente!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha,ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
This is Miriam as she wakes up in the morning.
Interviewer: Miriam, you deviated from the usual career path of
attacking Erap
to defending Erap, isn't that so?
Miriam: Not so. It's from a low paying job to a high paying one.
Q: Why was Apostol cited for contempt of court?
A: Because he kept saying, "Madame Wetness, pleys examine your
Exhibit KiKiKi
ober der . . ."


Chinese name equivalents:
Tessie A - Wan Mee Liun
John O - Ba Deeng Ba Lato
Enrile - Ma Go Lang
Maceda - Gus Tola Laque

Professional Fees:
Mendoza - USD50M
Daza - PHP100M
Narvasa - PHP150M
Flaminiano - PHP50 per objection, kaya panay
ang object.
Modern dictionary:
a. colloquy (kol'ao-kwee) - a formal kahnverseyshen.
b. loquy loquy (lo'kwee lo'kwee) a med kahw dizeez aka miramisis
topakesis

Defense Liars: Cronies:
Mendo SA Dante TAN
Narva SA Lucio TAN

All Equals... SATAN


Sherap Files:
Q: Why did Erap and the LAMP Party choose orange as their uniform?
A: They don't have to buy a new set of uniform when they go to jail.
Prosecutor: Ms. Rajas, totoo bang sweldo mo bilang Cook kina
Atong Ang ay P3,000 a month lang?
Rajas: P5,000 po... kaso iyong P3,000 napupunta po kay Erap.
Si Datu Puti, may suka. Si Rufina at Lorins may patis. Si Miriam
may..TOYO.
Legal terms:
Duces tecum - documentary evidence
Ad testificandum - witness is summoned
Factum probandum - proven fact
Imfacta Sanitarium - Miriam in court
Lucio Tan - 25% Filipino, 75% Chinese
Erap - 30% Filipinol 70% alcohol
Ernie Maceda & John Osme?a - 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Miriam D. Santiago - FLIP na!


ERAP AFTER EDSA
Mayroon pa ring ERAP jokes (no offense to erap-supporters...)
1. Erap sending text message to Laarni.
Laarni, mahal wag kang mag alala sa aking kalagayan. Nandito ako
sa
Veterans hospital, magaling mga veterinarians dito, alagang-alaga ako.
2. EDSA 1 : free the nation from a dictator.
EDSA 2 : free the nation from a thief.
EDSA 3 : free lunch, dinner, breakfast and snacks too.
3. PRO-ERAP leader to rallyists at Mendiola.
Leader : Kayo ba ay hinakot???
Masa : Hindi !!!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay pinuwersa???
Masa : Hindi !!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay binayaran ???
Masa : Hindi Pa !!!!

ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
4. Miriam Santiago has been arrested for enciting sedition and she
chose to
be confined at the Mental Hospital. Mas "feel at home" raw siya doon.
5. Erap's conjugal visit schedule.
Monday - Loi
Tuesday - Ghia
Wednesday - Laarni
Thursday - Joy
Friday - Weng
Saturday - John Osmena
Sunday - Ernie Maceda
6. May bagong wrist band si Erap - BAKAL. (Kasi nakakulong sya ngayon)


ERAP AFTER EDSA.....
7. Miriam : Palpak ang Edsa 3 natin!
Erap : Ha!? Bakit? Sabi mo mananalo tayo.
Miriam : I Lied! I lied! Ha - ha - ha!
8. Sumikip raw ang dibdib ni Ernie Maceda while under custody at
dinala siya sa St. Luke's Hospital. Binawalan siya ng doktor na... mag-bra
pansamantala.
9. JV to Erap.
JV : Dad, nasa "State of Rebellion" tayo ngayon!
Erap : Bakit nila pinalitan ang pangalan ng Pilipinas? Ginaya
pa nila sa "State of California".


10. The street where Miriam's house in UP Village has been renamed
after her. The street sign now reads: "Miriam Santiago St." (formerly
"Matino St." - he-he-he)
11. Nang bigyan si Erap ng prison uniform na may tatak na "P", napaiyak
si Erap sa tuwa. Nagpasalamat siya at ang sabi "salamat at 'PANGULO' pa
rin ako!"
12. Erap during his check-up at Veterans' Hospital.
Doc : Ikinalulungkot ko po pero you have BRAIN TU-MOR.
Erap : Pero doc, they say I have NO BRAIN, and now you say I
have TWO MORE? Ang gulo nyo!


Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may
bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit. "Lintek na ibon,
iniputan ako."
"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayona
ang nalipad nila."

BAKIT DAW
Q: Bakit daw ayaw pabuksan ng 11 senators ang envelope?
A: Kase sa loob, may picture nilang lahat nag-oorgy!
Q: Bakit ayaw daw pabuksan ni Erap ang envelope?
A: Kasi andon daw ang grades niya nung highschool.
Q: Bakit ayaw ni Miriam pabuksan ang envelope?
A: Andon daw kasi ang picture niya, naka-two-piece! (pwe!)
PAYO
Payo daw ni Bro. Mike kay Erap - "Magsisi ka."Ang ginawa ni Erap.
Sinisi niya si Ramos, sinisi niya si Almonte, sinisi niyasi Cory,
sinisi niya si GMA, etc.

Jinggoy--- Itay, dentistry na lang kaya ang kukunin kong Kurso...
Erap------ Anak, ang tagal naman ng Kurso na iyan, kailangan mo pang
kumuha ng Dentist one, Dentist two bago ka mag Dentist three...
Jinggoy---- Itay, 22 na lang pala ang alphabets ngayon?
Erap------- Bakit Anak, ano ang nangyari sa ibang letra?
Jinggoy---- Kasi narinig ko sa radio tatanggalin na ang ROTC


Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.
Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga.Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
Meaning of ERAP:
Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak
When Erap Got Drunk Print this page

AN OLD ERAP STORY
Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who
supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the
gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black
ties and the ladies in black gowns.
Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his
Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady
in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said.
"She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her
to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President
of the Republic?" Erap asked.
The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why.
Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate
reason," Erap remarked.
"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your
opinion," Erap said.
"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."

Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
Toes Go In First.
How can you tell that it is Erap who sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!
How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.

Victories of Loi
She's in the Senate- away from rumors
Erap is in prison - away from women
Jude out of the military - away from boys!
CAUSE
What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
He moved.
WHY DID ERAP?
How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"
Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
He thinks his picture is being taken.
Update Date September 24, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
WHAT LEADERS SAY ABOUT THE NY TRAGEDY
British Prime Minister Tony Blair:
"We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only
on America, but on the free and democratic world"
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat:
It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to
explain my feelings. God help them, God help them.

Iranian President Mohammad Khatami:
"My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation,
particularly those who have suffered from the attacks
and also the families of the victims"
Pope John Paul II:
"The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes
emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of
overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive
life of a people"
Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada:
"Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng eroplano"

ERAP'S PEN PAL LETTER
Dearest Pal.
Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in
good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got
suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive
a letter from me.
But before the world prolong into a line may I ask first
you a gretest apology if ever I disturb you rest and
relaxation expecially that when you are in concentration
of you studying. And at the same time Pal, I greet you
pleasant hello. I hope you can enjoing your life there.
Pal, maybe you ask to yourself there if were came I know
your name. By the pal, I found your name from column of
song hit. And then I decide to make this letter for the
reason that I want also a friend in other places so don't
think any malice here my lettter okey!.
But before I go to further may I introduce first my simple
personality to you. Well....... beginning for the love of
my parent they got a boy and have a name. My name is Joseph
Marcelo Ejercito. Joseph for short. I'm ...ty-four years old now.
My heaight is 5'8" tall and 140 lbs. My birthday is coming
every 19 of April 1937. Fair complexion under the zodiac
sign of Aries . I'm a pure Filipino with little Chinesse blood.
My mother is at home while my father is working as a golddigger..
He's digging golds at the mines. My hobbies is playing ball
games reading komiks books, participating in school activities.,
and of course acting. I also like to listen to folk songs of
Perry Como, Pat Boone, Everly Brothers and the Platters. I hate
listening to instrumental music because they are always defective.
I can't hear the voice of the songer.
As for my school, I think my school likes me a lot. They
don't want me to go after 8 years. They told me others could
get post graduate degrees after college , they said I can do
it here in high school. I only need two more years to complete
my Algebra. My families were so happy for me..my father almost
suffered a heart attack eveytime I showed him my report cards.
Doesn't you think I'm good too?.
My teacher also liked me . whenever she needed something done,
she will called me. Like cleaning the board, scrubbing the floor
and manning the garbage can. I'm also responsible in drawing
conclusion to our laboratory experiments. Last time during our
chemistrty class, when we are mixing different chemicals together
and she wanted me to taste the result. I concluded that the
solution is little bit deadly because I got hospitalized. They
agreed.
At the hospital, the lady doctor said that some of my brain
cells got burned. I totally disagree with him because I know
I didn't set my head on fire nor eat any lighted match. I only
drank an acid solution. She laughed at me and told me I was funny.
I think her name was Dr. Eloisa. She's cute.
I think I finish also introducing my self to you and may be time
is enough already for you to know who I am . Maybe this will be
enough for you to guess myself, from now on you can describe my
self in your imagination.
Anyway Pal, I 'd like you answer me. Maybe you can send also your
personal datas. Please I need you reply!!! I'm sorry for the
handwriting, I have speech impediment eh.
Regards to your family circle and especially to you. Take all
necessary precautions.
Your new friend,
Just call me Erap.

OLDIES BUT GOODIES
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!

KASO
Nag meeting si Erap at ang kanyang 13 abogado.
ERAP:(naghihinagpis): Jos ko po!.. bakit ako
pinaparusahan ng ganito? Natalsik na ako't lahat..ayaw
pa nila akong tigilan! What face will I front to my
families?
(TRANSLATION: Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa aking mga
pamilya? ) Pati pagkain ko ng isda..kinasuhan pa rin
nila! Mas gusto ko pa nga nang lechon kaysa isdang
dapa.. Pero..bakit pati pagkain ko ng isdang dapa, may
kaso?.. Bakit?? Sumagot kayo!!"
Nagpulong yung mga abogado nang 1 minute and then
lumapit yung lead lawyer kay Erap.
Attorney (pabulong): "Boss, yung kaso ho nyo e"
Plunder...hindi ho Flounder!!"
ERAP(patay mali): "Kasuhan na nila ako ng kasuhan!..
mag be-belo ako ng mag be-belo..Kahit na ilang belo
isusuot ko wag lang akong makulong!.. Kahit wala ako
sa simbahan mag be-belo pa rin ako!
..Matatalo ko pa si Cardinal Sin!..Tingnan natin kung
sino ang mas mautak (lumalabas na yung uhog sa galit
kaya sabay pahid..ginamit yung wristband)!!
Nagpulong uli yung mga abogado nang 1 minute...lapit
uli kay Erap yung lead lawyer.
Attorney (pabulong uli pero medyo asar na) : " Boss,
yung hinihingi ho natin ay B-a-i-l... hindi ho V-e-i-l!!"

ERAP TRANSLATES
LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS

Flash report:
Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo
ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang
inyong toothpick."
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap
noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip
ng maitatanong din. "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"

GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!

ERAP: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone.
DR: Is it choking?
ERAP: No, it's Max's
DR: I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "Are you choking?"
ERAP: No I'm serious!

Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It
will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni
Association.

Scene: nasusunog ang rest house sa Tanay ni Erap!
Guard: sir, dito po ang fire exit.
Erap: gago! diyan na nga dadaan ang apoy eh!!

Similarity of Marcos and Erap:Both have AIDS:
Marcos' AIDS: Acquired Income Deposited in Switzerland
Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.

Satan appeared to Erap.
Satan: I have a proposal. You will finish your term but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Wait, wait, what's the catch?

Erap was exiled to Burma and was making a long distance call. He made a long distance phone call...
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Erap: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Erap: Aybegurpardon. Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Erap: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.

SINO?
Jinggoy takes some law courses to get ready for the senate?
Professor: Jinggoy, who wrote the writ of habeas corpus?
Jinggoy: Aba, hindi ako sir!?
Professor: Let's go see your father.
At Erap's prison:
Professor: Sir, I am the law professor of your son.
I simply asked him who wrote the writ of habeas corpus,
and he answered that he did not write it.
Erap: Alam n'yo, Prof. Itong si Jinggoy, kung minsan palabiro lang.
Pero hindi siya sinungaling. Kaya hindi po siya ang nagsulat ng sinasabi mong writ.
As the professor angrily storms away, FPJ arrives to visit Erap.
Erap: O, pare. Alam mo bang pinagbintangan ng professor na iyan na si Jinggoy
ang nagsulat ng writ ni Mang Corpuz.
FPJ: Kayo naman, e. Para sa kapakanan at kapayapaan ng lahat, dapat
inamin na lang ninyo!

DEVIL'S CALL
During his visit to Malacañang Palace,
Bush was intrigued by a new telephone capable
of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly
with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents.
When he came back home, he found out that
this same service was now available in the US too.
He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000.
Bush was distressed.
How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents
in the Philippines
Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.

What's For Lunch
Erap, Pedro and Juan eat lunch together everyday. For almost 1 year they
have the same lunch daily. Pedro has adobo, Juan has pinakbet and Erap
tuna sandwich. Today, Juan says "pagod na akong puro pinakbet na lang
araw-araw ang lunch ko, tomorrow pag panakbet pa rin tatalon na lang
ako sa Pasig."
"Ako rin" says Pedro,"pag adobo parin ang ulam ko bukas, mabuting pang
tumalon na lang ako sa Pasig." Not to be outdone Erap said "Mi too, I'm
tired of tuna sandwich everyday if I have this again tomorrow tatalon din ako."
The next day, Pedro opened his lunch box and he found dinuguan and puto.
He was so happy of the change. Next, Juan opened his and found bistik.
"Ay salamat po" says Juan. Erap opened his and showed that he has tuna sandwich.
Looking dejected biglang tayo siya at tumalon sa ilog Pasig. Pedro looks at
Juan at medyo umiling and says "Hindi ko naman maintindihan si pareng Erap, eh
siya ang gumagawa ng lunch niya."

BILIN KI ERAP
Bilin ng mother ni Erap ng bumisita siya:
Anak, di mo na natapos ang pag-aaral mo,
pati pagka presidente mo.
Sana naman makapagtapos ka na ng jail term mo.
Promise, huh?

INFORMATION
Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).

SHAMPOO
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!

THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE
Fernando Poe walks into the Office and sees The President whooping
and hollering. "What's the matter, Erap?" Poe inquired.
"Nothing at all." I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time," the
ex-President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3
to 5 Years but I did it in a month!"

Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!

Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling.
Erap: Tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila?

Erap sa Sarap TV
Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie!
Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients?
Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs.
Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs.
Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to!

Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.

"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga. Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA
Erap's spiritual adviser is Mike Velarde of El Shaddai.
But he and his sons belong to different religions.
Jinggoy - El Lagay;
Jude - Dioskoday;
Erap - El Puday

Erap looked at the librarian and said:
This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters.
Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory.

Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.
Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?
Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!

Q: Ano ang isa pang Chinese name ni Sen. Miriam Santiago?
A: TY LE LENG.

Erap: Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento?
Cory: Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya.
Erap: An'tanga mo talaga.
Cory: Bakit?
Erap: Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik.

Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.

bingo
07.06.22, 02:56 PM
ang haba nun ah... hahaha

Bonnie
07.06.22, 03:31 PM
Tazmania, inubos mo na ata ang eraps joke, hehehehe.... tyaga mo...

tazmania
07.06.25, 01:09 PM
Tazmania, inubos mo na ata ang eraps joke, hehehehe.... tyaga mo...

fave ko talaga mga erap jokes.. kaya pinost ko na lahat ng collections ko..sarap tumawa:D

jose
07.06.25, 02:40 PM
hahaha...ilang taon mo inipon to taz? hahaha...

Alna_lou
07.06.26, 11:52 AM
how about gloria jokes????

jose
07.06.26, 12:43 PM
gloria jokes? shoot! :)

bingo
07.06.26, 04:04 PM
Asia's best
PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.

LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.

REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia"

Alna_lou
07.06.26, 04:07 PM
Kuya Taz, ganyan poh ba talaga kabobo si Erap? ??? hikhik... :)

Kuya G.
07.06.26, 07:09 PM
Hahaha Taz, Grabe lahat yata ng ERAP jokes eh inilagay mo na dito, hehehe kadami. Pero nice ha!

Alna_lou
07.06.27, 08:40 AM
I've just read the ff. trivia:

A starfish doesn't have a brain.
http://www.funshun.com/amazing-facts/

Question: Starfish ba si Erap?:) LOL LOL

tazmania
07.06.27, 09:12 AM
Hahaha Taz, Grabe lahat yata ng ERAP jokes eh inilagay mo na dito, hehehe kadami. Pero nice ha!

Kuya G, pag may update ako.. ippost ko ulit

Kuya Taz, ganyan poh ba talaga kabobo si Erap? ??? hikhik... :)

No comment Alna _lou.. baka may mga Erap supporters dito sa Forum. hahaha

jose
07.06.27, 02:56 PM
tawa lang ako ha, hahahaha...

funny yung mole of asia and starfish! wahahaha... LOL

reagan
07.06.27, 03:22 PM
gloria jokes? shoot! :)

Hehe... in fairness to Erap, heto:

Gloria: wala ng problema ang ating bansa, wala ng kapitalismo,wala ng imperyalismo ang natirang problema na lang ay Akonamismo.........

hahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Alna_lou
07.06.27, 05:46 PM
No comment Alna _lou.. baka may mga Erap supporters dito sa Forum. hahaha[/QUOTE]

Tama po kayo kuya, maybe we could just keep it as a RHETORICAL QUESTION!..hehehe LOL LOL

inday25er
07.06.27, 11:47 PM
Ahahaha! Natawa ako nung nabasa ko ito sa email kanina, pero siguradong mas nakakatawa ito kung pinoy yung bida. LOL

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night, I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish!"

"What fish?"

Alexander
07.06.28, 08:06 AM
Oo nga... no more evidence :D